139. CXXXIX.
A SLIGHT ALTERATION IN THE NAME AND
POLICY OF MR. NASBY'S “INSTITOOT.”
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 22, 1867.
Times changes, and men change jist ez fast ez times. I
shood like to see the times wich kin change faster than I kin;
but this last shift I hev bin forced to make, ruther took my
breth. It wuz sudden. The Connecticut eleckshun didn't do
us much good after all. We felt well over it for perhaps a day;
but ez we begun to git other indicashens from the North, we
didn't jist see how that little spirt wuz agoin to help us. Cincinnati
went Ablishin stronger than ever. Chicago ditto; and
most everywhere the Dimocratic rooster wuz flattened. The
cabinet, when they heerd uv Deekin Pogram's assault upon a
nigger, on the receet uv the intelligence uv the election news,
notified me officially that a repetishen uv sich loonacy wood be
equivalent to a reseet uv my resignation, even tho the post
offis shood be discontinyood. “The nigger vote must be capcherd.
It's essenshel. Wade Hampton sez so,” wrote Randall
to me, and I reprimanded the Deekin for his recklessniss, and
borrowed four dollars uv Bascom, who is the only man in
the vicinity who hez any ready money, to make it all rite
with him.
We held a meetin uv the Drecktors and Faculty uv the
Southern Military and Classicle Institoot last evening, to
decide wat course that instooshn wuz to take in the grate
work uv surroundin the Ethiopian. In sich a time ez this, ez
I menshened to Captain McPelter, it won't do for our institooshuns
uv learning to stand back. These great levers, the
molders uv public opinion, must be ez progressive ez the progressiveist,
and must change like other things to meet the
requirements uv the times. We hev commenst our march
into Africa, and thus far hev we gone into the bowels uv the
land without impediment, to speak uv — let us persevere. Let
us capcher the Ethiopian, stink and all.
The meetin wuz held in the back room uv Bascom's, owin to
the fact that it wuz rainin, and the roof uv the Post Offis leaks.
I hed an appropriashen some time since from the Department
for repairs; but bein in doubt whether it wuz intended for repairs
on the Post Offis or the Postmaster, I gave the prizner
the benefit uv the doubt, and got a new pair uv boots. I cood
better endoor the slite inconvenience uv occasional rain than
to go barefoot.
I made a statement uv the case, and sejested a radical change
in the Institoot. Captain McPelter agreed with me. He felt
that ther hedn't bin that complete, hearty recognition uv our
Afrikin brethren as there ought to be. He hed on several
occasions allowed his nateral vivacity to git the better of his
proodence, and hed waded into em alarmin. The old ijee of
Ham and Hagar and Onesimus hed bin so drilled into him in
his yooth, that he hed to wrestle with it to keep it in control,
and in spite uv himself it often got the better uv him. He
sejested that the name uv the Institoot be changed from “The
Southern Military and Classikle Institoot,” to “The Ham and
Japheth Free Academy for the Development uv the Intellek
uv all Races, irrespective uv Color.” That he thought would
anser the required end. The colored men who choose to avail
theirselves of the priviliges afforded by this institooshn, when
it is finished, kin find in this no cause uv complaint. They are
recognized. They are given the precedence. They stand first
in the matter and foremost. Wat more kin they ask?”
Bascom hed a series uv resolooshuns wich he desired to
present. He sed it mite be looked upon ez strange that he
shood favor the concentrashun uv free niggers at the Corners,
but he hed good and suffishent reasons. First, he hed faith
that constant contact with the Board wood bring em to the
pint uv patronizin his bar; but ef it didn't, he knowd perfectly
well that the Board and Fakulty wood manage to git all they
hed, for board and tooition, wich he wuz perfectly certin he'd
git in the end. Wat he wanted wuz people here; to yoose an
illustration borrered from his biznis, the offishels uv this Institoot
wuz the tunnel through wich the wealth uv all uv em
wood be conducted to his coffers. I fell onto his neck in
rapcher, and then vowed that I wuz willin to die for his
good — that I cared not how much uv other people's money
run through me to him ef 'twas thus dilooted. The resolooshens
presented read ez follows: —
“Resolved, That the name uv the Southern Military and
Classikle Institoot be changed to `The Ham and Japheth Free
Academy for the Development uv the Intelleck uv all Races,
irrespective uv Color.'
“Resolved, That in makin this change, we, the Board uv
Directors, do so, assertin,
“1. That in this emergency we are justified in doubtin
whether Noer got tite at all, the statement in the Skripters to
that effect bein ondoubtedly an error uv the translators.
“2. That ef he did git tite, he didn't cuss Ham at all.
“3. That ef he did cuss Ham, the cuss wuzn't intended to
extend beyond Canaan at the furthest, and hence his descendants
go scot free.
“4. That ef the cuss wuz really and trooly intended to
attach to all uv Ham's descendants, irrespective uv color, to
the end uv time, it ain't uv no effeck in Kentucky, ez that
State hez allus run irrespective uv any code, 'ceptin sich ez
hez bin adopted by her Legislacher.
“5. That the theory that the nigger, irrespective uv color,
is a beast, is a deloosion, a snare, which we hev alluz practically
held, no matter what we may, for effect, hev sed, ez the number
uv mulattoes, to say nothin uv them still farther bleached
in Kentucky, abundantly proves.
“6. That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, is trooly a
man and a brother; and the female Ethiopian, also irrespective
uv color, trooly a woman and a sister.
“Resolved, That this Institoot, whose name is now so happily
changed, shel be conducted upon the principles uv strict ekality,
irrespective uv color.
“Resolved, That when we reflect that the bloated aristocracy
uv England interdoost, and the early settlers uv Massachoosets
sankshund, slavery on this continent, forcin it really onto us,
we bile with indignashun towards em, and kin hardly restrane
ourselves.
“Resolved, That at the tables, in the choice uv rooms, and in
all matters where there is a choice, the African man and
brother, irrespective uv color, shel hev the precedence.
“Resolved, That Oberlin College, by not givin the sons uv
Ham, irrespective uv color, the precedence, shows clearly that
it is actooated by narrer-minded prejudice, wich deserves the
reprobashen uv every lover uv his kind.
“Resolved, That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, kin
change his skin, and that his oder, ef he hez any, is rather
pleasant than otherwise.
“Resolved, That we look with loathing upon the States
North, wich, alluz professin friendship for the noble black man
uv the cotton fields, refoose to take him to their buzzums,
irrespective uv color.
“Resolved, That ef Massachoosits and Vermont, and Northern
Illinois, and the Western Reserve in Ohio, are honest in
their professions uv love for the negro, they will come down
with donashuns to assist in the completion uv the Academy.”
Deekin Pogram didn't know about all this. He hed bin
edikated in Ham and Hager, and wuz a bleever in Onesimus.
He doubted. Sposen after all this concesion the nigger shood
play off onto us? Sposen he shoodent vote with us after all,
but cling to his Northern friends? Or spose he shood vote
with us, and we shood, thro his vote, git control, wat then?
How cood we redoose em to ther normal condition agin after
all this palavrin?
Bascom replied that he wuz surprised at the Deekin's
obtoosnis. First, ef they did vote with the Ablishnists, we
wuz no worse off, ez that wuz wat they proposed to do any
how. Ef, on the other hand, they didn't, what then? The
trouble with em now is, they know too much. “Let em,” sed
Bascom, warmin up, “let em associate with us a year, let em
vote with us, et cettry, and in twelve months they're precisely
fitted agin to be servance unto their brethren. Look,” sed he,
“at the Northern Dimocrasy, and see to what we may hope to
bring these men in time.”
But little more bizness wuz transacted. Beverly Nash, of
South Caroliny, wuz unanimously called to a professorship; and
a young gentleman uv color, who, from his strong resemblance
to Elder Gavitt, ought to hev biznis capacity, wuz unanimously
elected a member of the Board. The yoonyun is perfect.
Ham and Japheth hev shaken hands, and are embracin each
other.
May prosperity attend the nupchels, and may the isshoo be
fortunate. I hev got over the disgust attendant upon the fust
chill, and am consekently feelin well.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the
Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the
Development uv the Intelleck uv all
Races, irrespective uv Color.
