31. XXXI.
HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT.
Church uv St. —, }
November the 1st, 1863.
I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. The miserable condishon
the Dimokrasy find themselves into, since the elecshen,
makes it necessary that suthin be did, and therefore I determined
to see wat cood be effectid by a persnel intervew
with the President.
Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly, thus:—
“Linkin,” sez I, “ez a Dimekrat, a free-born Dimekrat, who
is prepared to die with neetnis and dispatch, and on short notis,
for the inalienable rite uv free speech — knowin also that you
er a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I speek.”
“Speek on,” says he.
“I am a Ohio Dimekrat,” sez I, “who hez repoodiatid Vallandigum.”
“Before or since the elecshin did yoo repoodiate him?”
sez he.
“Since,” retortid I.
“I thot so,” sed he. “I would hev dun it, too, hed I bin
you,” continnered he, with a goriller-like grin.
“We air now in favor uv a viggerus prosecushen uv the war,
and we want you to so alter yoor policy that we kin act with
you corjelly,” sez I.
“Say on,” sez he.
“I will. We don't want yoo to change yoor policy materially.
We are modrit. Anxshus to support yoo, we ask yoo to
adopt the follerin trifling changis:—
“Restore to us our habis corpusses, as good ez new. Arrest
no more men, wimmin, and children for opinyun's saik. Repele
the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irritaits the Suthern
mind and fires the Suthern hart. Do away with drafts and
conskripshens. Revoke the Emansipashen Proclamashen, and
give bonds that you'll never ishoo another. Do away with
treasury noats and sich, and pay nuthin but gold. Protect
our dawters from nigger equality. Disarm yoor nigger soljers,
and send back the niggers to their owners, to conciliate them.
Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the South, and pledge
the guvernment to remoonerate our Suthern brethren for the
losses they hev sustaned in this onnatrel war. Call a convenshen
uv Suthern men and sech gileless Northern men ez F.
Peerce, J. Bookannun, Fernandywood, and myself, to agree
upon the terms uv reunion.”
“Is that all?” sez the goriller.
“No,” says I, promptly. “Ez a garantee uv good faith to
us, we shel insist that the best haff uv the orifises be given to
Dimekrats who repoodiate Vallandigum. Do this, Linkin, and
yoo throw lard ile on the troubled waters. Do this, and yoo
rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble Dimokrats who went
out uv offis with Bookannon, and hev bin gittin ther whisky on
tick ever sinse. We hev made sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid
Vallandigum, — we care not ef he rots in Canady; we are willin
to jine the war party, reservin to ourselvs the poor privilidge
uv dictatin how and on wat principles it shel be carried on.
Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun.”
The President replide that he would give the matter serious
considerashen. He wood menshen the idee uv resinin to
Seward, Chase, and Blair, and wood address a circular to the
postmasters, et settry, and see how menny uv um wood be
willin to resine to accommodait Dimekrats. He hed no dout
several wood do it to-wunst.
“Is ther any littel thing I kin do for you?”
“Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a small post-orifis, if
sitooatid within easy range uv a distilry. My politikle days is
well-nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in
the assendency; let these old eyes wunst more behold the
Constooshn ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the nigger ware
he ought to be, and I will rap the mantel uv privit life around
me, and go into delirum tremens happy. I hev no ambishen.
I am in the seer and yellow leef. These whitnin lox, them
sunken cheek, warn me that age and whisky hev done ther
perfeck work, and that I shel soon go hents. Linkin, scorn
not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.”
So sayin, I wavd my hand impressively, and walkd away.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
