130. CXXX.
MR. NASBY DOES THE × ROADS A SERVICE.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
Janooary 20, 1867.
[1]
There is peace in the Corners! It reigns here, it does,
with a sweetnis onparalleled since the Nashun launched out
onto the sea uv trubles, which very near engulfed her. It
come about thro me. Biznis in the Post Orfis don't engross all
my time. It don't take me very long to distribbit the paper
which Deekin Pogram takes, nor the cirklers uv the gift enterprises
which come here; neither does it consoom much uv my
valyooble time directin the letters enclosin dollars back to em,
besides which a good many uv em are insufficiently sealed,
and the money drops out; and bein conscientious to a fault, ez
I can't get em back into the right letters, why uv course I
don't send sich at all. The only trouble I hev is in explainin
why letters containin such remittancis don't reach their destinashen,
but that has its rewards. I invariably tell em that
the managers uv the enterprises are ablishn Yankees, and, uv
course they'd be swindld, which alluz intensifies their rage.
Ez I wuz sayin, I hev plenty uv time, and I put it in mostly
studyin the caracteristiks uv human nacher, ez developed in
men and niggers. While contemplatin a parsel uv niggers
one day, I follored em, and overheard their conversashen. I
wuz astonished! They wuz notifyin one another uv a meetin
to be held that nite in Pennibacker's barn, to which all wuz
expected to be present. Here, thot I to myself, is Guy
Fawkes! Here is conspiracy! Meetin! Wat rite hev niggers
to meet? And I hastened to Deekin Pogram, and told
him wat I had heerd.
“Nasby,” sed he, wringin my hand, “ef I ever doubted the
eternal fitnis uv things — the complete and entire adaptability
uv one class to another — that doubt is removed. Here am I,
a nigger owner — here are yoo, a Northern Dimocrat — a
bloomin eggsotic, ez I may say, wich hez took root in Southrn
sile. I never wood hev overherd them niggers! — no Southner
wood hev thot uv sneakin after em — for all sich work the
Northern Dimocrat is precisely fitted. It's wat they've alluz
done for us!
And he wrung my hand agin, and thanked me. I wuz too
much overcome with emoshen at the compliment he paid me to
reply. But we arranged the programme. We went to the
barn, and overturned a wagon so ez we cood git under it and
heer all that wuz sed without bein seen, and jest at nitefall the
Deekin and me ensconsd ourselves in our hidin place.
The niggers gathered, praps thirty on em, and opened the
meetin with prayer, in which exercise they hed the profanity to
pray for the Government uv the Yoonited States and sich, and
then the biznis commenst. It appears that they'd sent a man
North to find a locashen for em, ez they hed made up their
minds to run away from the blessins uv slavery wich we are
preparin to re-open to em, and this nigger hed arrived, and
they wuz assembled to hear his report.
“Brother Lee,” sed the ringleader to the returned nigger,
wich I knowd — he wuz nearly white, and wuz raised in
Virginia, and hed bin four years in the army, on the Fedral
side uv course, — “are yoo ready to report? Hev yoo found
the Promised Land?”
Brother Lee replied, that ef he understood wat wuz the
Ethiopian idee uv the “Promised Land,” he cood safely and
certainly say that he hedn't. He landed first in Philadelphy,
and bein sumwat wearied by the long ride, he took a seat in a
street-car which wuz empty. The condukter ordered him out,
but sposin he wuz in a State where there wuz ekal rites he
insisted on stayin, when the condukter and the driver bundled
him out by force. His coat, he observed, showin wher the
bloo blouse hed bin onskilfully mendid, wuz sumwat fraktered
in the skuffle.
At this narrashen the niggers groaned, and it wuz all I cood
do to keep the Deekin from hollerin halleloogy!
In Noo York State he didn't fare so well. He diskivered that
a decent nigger there isn't quite ez good ez a very ordinary
white man. He happened ther on 'leckshin day, and narrated
that he saw white men carried up to the poles so eggstremely
drunk that them ez hed em in charge hed to put the ticket
atween their fingers and anser to their names, while a 'spectable
nigger hed to show that he wuz worth some property afore
he wuz allowed to vote, and then a number uv gentlemen with
red faces and clubs made it so onpleasant that but few
attempted it.
The Deekin punched me in the ribs vociferously.
Next he went to Ohio, sposin, uv course, that a State so
extremely opposed to bondage wood be the place he wuz in
search uv. Agin he wuz disappointed. It wuz worse than it
wuz in Noo York, for the Ablishnists wuz a goin on the principle,
he rather guessed, uv doin justis without runnin agin
anybody's prejudises; or rather, uv lettin justice do herself,
for they don't make any move towards helpin her. There the
nigger uv no grade, no matter how much taxes he pade, or
how long he served in the army, wuzn't allowed a vote. The
Ablishinists, ez he understood, carried the State on the nigger
question, but wuz now afrade to tetch it for fear they'd lose it
agin. They've hed it, he remarked, twelve years, but hedn't,
ez yit, got all the people edjicated up to the pint uv doin wat
all the people knowd wuz rite.
His experience in the West wuz very similar. The Ablishnists
wuz everywhere very strongly in the majority, and every
wun uv 'em he talked with wuz in favor of givin the nigger
his rites, but they wuz all afraid ef they took hold uv it, they'd
be laid out by the Democracy, which wuzn't in the majority at
all. In Washington, wher Congress hez give the niggers a vote,
he wuz well treated, and it wuz the only place. A gentleman
who wants to run for Mayor next spring giv him his dinner,
and quite a number of others who wanted small offises did likewise,
but he woodent advise emigrashen there, for it's possible
that before the next elecshun Congress may conclude that
suffrage in the Deestrick will run 'em into the ground in the
States (their constituents, which are all Ablishnists, not bein
edjucated up to the pint), and repeel it.
The Deekin nudged me agin.
“Wat shel we do?” then sed the niggers, all in korious.
“Do!” sed the nigger, wich his name it wuz Lee, “do! grin
and bear it wher yoo are. Ez fo' me, ef I hed my five yeahs
back agin I shood do different. Liberty is a gift hoss, wich, ef
dis niggah hed it to do ober agin, he wood look in de mouth,
shoah. I shood want to know whedder, I bein a beggar, ef I
mounted it I shoodent ride to de devil. When I turned agin
Massa, and went into de servis, I wuz promised ef I behabed
like a man I shood be counted a man. I behabed like a man,
but wat now? Dar's de cibbel rites bill, which reads good, but
wha's de sogers to put it froo? Dar's all sorts ob laws, but
wha's de yoose ob em so long ez noboddy pays any tenshun to
em? I go Norf, wha de Ablishnists heb eberyting dah own
way, and I find de niggah is ez bad off dah ez he is heah, coz
de Ablishnis, which is de champions uv ekal rites, ain't eddicated
up to de pint uv bustin unekal laws. We can't stay heah
and git our rites — we can't go dah, coz ebry wun ob em will
tell yoo his nabor ain't eddicated up to de pint ob doin anything
but holdin de offises, and passin resolooshens dat dey
bleeve in de principles ob de Declarashen ob Independence,
wich principles reed bery well, but wat good is dey to me ef
dey ain't acted up to? Fo' fo'pence I'd go hang myself.”
They had other talk, and finally broke up, endin with a
prayer, the burden uv which wuz that the Lord wood find
some way to eddicate their friends North up to the pint.
Ez soon ez they wuz gone, the Deekin and I crawled out
from under the wagon, and I must say the old gentleman surprised
me. Dashin his hat on the ground, he execooted one
uv the most frantic Highland flings my eyes ever witnist. It
astonished me to see how recklis the old man wuz with his
legs. Finally, out uv breath, he subsided with a prolonged
shreek uv exultant joy.
“Why so jubilant, my venerable friend?” sed I.
“Nasby,” sed he, “it's better than I hoped for. The Ablishnists
bar em out — they ain't eddikated up to the pint, and
they drive em away. They make distinkshuns, and when the
nigger's distinkted aginst in part, he's precisely the material
uv which to make a servant unto his brethren. Ef the nigger
can't git all his rites in the North, he'd better be without any
uv em in the South. Up ther he hez all the cussitood uv bein
a free man, without any uv the indoosements; down here, ef
he ain't got any uv the blessins uv freedom he ain't any uv the
responsibilities. The nigger, uv course, will stay — he'd be a
cussed fool ef he didn't. Bless the Lord for the Ablishnists
wat ain't eddikated up to the pint!”
And the blessed old lunatic execooted another Highland
fling onto his hat. Sharin his enthoosiasm, ez I alluz do everyboddy's
I meet, that I may share whatever else they hev, we
went to Bascom's, wher, before we separated, we wuz eddikated
up to a pint, and considerable more. Bascom carried the Deekin
home on a wheelbarrer, at a little past one.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
