105. CV.
THE RECONSTRUCTED CONGRATULATE THE COUNTRY
UPON THE MEMPHIS OUTBREAK.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
May 12, 1866.
[1]
The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv
Kentucky with undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian
wuz taught that to him, at least, the spelling book is a sealed
volume, and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it
filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher.
We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the brave acts
uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed
them on the subjick uv the nigger, — his wants, needs, and
capacities, — a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I
understand. Probably no man in the United States hez given
the nigger more study, or devoted more time to a pashent
investigashen uv this species uv the brute creashen, than the
undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and standin,
sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness, — in every shape,
in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin
for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz
before my mind's eye in that shape, I alluz turned shudderin
away.
I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's
easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to bleeve, and
wich their interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked
men, who wuz somewhat wedded to sin, generally lean toward
Universalism; men heavily developed in the back uv the neck
are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv free love; and
them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on the seventh
day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the
Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a
firm beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start
enuff to own a nigger.
I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison
uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that
the nigger wuz a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently,
we hed a perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and
use him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this hed uv my
discourse, I glode easily into a history uv the flood; explained
how Noah got tite and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity
to serve his brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an
indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.
I warmed upon this elokently. “Behold, my brethren, the
beginnin uv Dimocrasy,” I sed. “Fust, the wine (which wuz
the antetype of our whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or
whisky) wuz necessary to the foundation uv the party, and it
wuz forthcomin. But the thing wuz not complete. It did its
work on Noah, but yet there wuz a achin void. There wuz no
Nigger in the world, and without nigger there cood be no
Dimocrasy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet,
and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave.
Whisky wuz the instrument to bring him down; and it fetched
him. Ham looked upon his father, and wuz cust; and the void
wuz filled. There wuz Nigger and whisky, and upon them
the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and deep.
Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence
uv his father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I
may be allowed to use the expression), bowin his back to the
burdens Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity, that
Democracy, then in the womb uv the future, kicked lively, and
clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to enslave, and whisky
to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz
whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany
horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amusements,
and a nigger cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the
means. Observe the fitness uv things. Bless the Lord, my
brethren, for whisky and the nigger; for, without em, there
could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker mite hev
owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig ticket
to-day.”
At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin
quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question.
Thinkin what a splendid opportunity there wood be uv
demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin
race, I answered, “Yes,” gladly.
“Well, Mas'r,” sed the old imbecile, “is I a beast?”
“My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it.”
“Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?”
“Indubitably,” replied I.
“And my children — is they little beasts and beastesses?”
“Onquestionably.”
“Den a yaller feller ain't but half a beast, is he?”
“My friend,” sed I, “that question is —”
“Hold on,” sed he; “wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a
heap uv yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev
bin white men; and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want
to know whedder dar ain't no law in Kentucky agin —”
“Put him out!” “Kill the black wretch!” shouted a
majority uv them who hed bin the heaviest slave owners under
the good old patriarkle system, and they went for the old reprobate.
At this pint, a officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau, who
we hadn't observed, riz, and bustin with laughter, remarked
that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be heerd.
We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally
hev a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin
our wrath, permitted ourselves to be further insulted by
the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and
perceeded.
“My white friends,” sed he, “dar pears to be an objection to
my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't
press de matter. But I ask yoo, did Noah hev three sons?”
“He did,” sed I.
“Berry good. Wuz they all brudders?”
“Uv course.”
“Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder
two?”
“C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y.”
“Well, den, it seems to me — not fully understandin the
skripters — dat if we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is
beasts and beastesses also, and dat, after all, we is brudders.”
And the disgustin old wretch threw his arms around my neck,
and kissed me, callin me his “long lost brudder.”
The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and
so did a dozen or two soldiers in the crowd likewise; and the
awjence slunk out without adjournin the meetin, one uv em
remarkin, audibly, that he had noticed one thing, that Dimocrisy
wuz extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend
itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd done with
argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em,
and make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent
do with white men.
I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked
the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system,
hed the best end uv the bargain.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
