82. LXXXII.
ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
September the 23d, 1865.
[1]
The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv delusions. A lie,
well started, vigerously stuck to, and energetically pushed,
ansers jest ez well ez the trooth, and will live a long time. I
hev lived in this world uv decepshun long enuff to diskiver
that there is a huge diffrence betwixt the real and the
ideal.
For instance. In my youth I wuz given to readin Cooper's
novels, until, becomin infatuated with his descriptions uv the
Injin stile uv livin, and the granjer uv the Injin charakter, I
determined to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined
myself a noble red man uv the forest, a chasin the wild deer
all the day thro the leafy wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in
a leafy bower, never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I'd
ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible consekences uv
a purely animal diet upon my uneducatid bowils.
Filled with these ijees, I made my way to the nearest reservation,
and the first noble red man uv the forest I saw, wuz
asleep under a tree, with a bottle beside him. I awakened
him, and addressed him in the language uv the novels, wich I
sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus: —
“Why slumbereth the chief uv the Pocasokes? and why are
not his feet upon the war-path? The skelp uv his father
hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh, and his death is unavenged!
Awake!”
The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow, took a long
pull at his bottle, ejackulatin, —
“Ugh! go away. White man dam fool — gimme dime —
buy Injin more rum!” and sank back into his inebriated
slumber.
Hevin seen the ginuine Injin ez he exists out uv the novels,
I did not jine that tribe.
I used to bleeve in Southern chiverly. Likewise did I
bleeve in Robinson Crusoe, the malstrom, and Jackson's cottonbales;
but, ez I afterwards diskivered, there wuz no reality in
these, so I wuz prepared to bleeve the chivelry uv the South
wuz a good part bottled moonshine.
Wunst, to me, the Southerner wuz a compound uv George
IV., Chevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and Longfellow, possessin
the deportment uv the fust, the high-grade chivelry and manly
physikle perfecshun uv the second, the learnin uv the third,
and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed he wood
introdoose his knife into the bowels uv his enemy with the
fearlessness and dexterity uv Bayard, apologize with the calm
grace uv George, and write his obitchuary like Longfellow, in
the style uv Hiawatha.
I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his common beverage
the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed from the most costly
goblets; that money with him wuz a matter uv no account;
that his time wuz divided between his country, his books, and
manly out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz a cross
between Achilles and Wellington, I givin him the credit uv
hevin the dash uv the one, the steadiness uv tother, and
the heroism uv both. Sich wuz my ijee uv the Southern
gentleman.
Wood, O wood that this pleasin delusion hed never bin
dissipated! It's the nacher uv the Northern Dimekrat to
look up to sumbody, and I didn't like the ijee uv hevin my idol
dismountid. I wuz down South doorin the war, hevin served
sevral months in the Louisiana Pelicans, a Confedrit regiment,
made up uv the fust families uv that State. I found that I hed
bin labrin under a delusion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a
while, where yoo are supposed to find the highest type uv
Southern chivelry. On a average the Virginian is as mizable
a cuss ez ther is on earth. His manshun is a shamblin cabin;
his rosy wine is a style uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly
mean that it wood be rejected with inexpressible scorn by the
most reckless and abandoned squaw; his costly goblet is a stun
jug with a cob stopper, and his highest ijee uv amoosement is
quarter races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed, peaknosed,
he approaches the appearance uv the Northerner about
ez closely ez a ring-tailed baboon resembles Powers' Greek
Slave.
In war he haint no better than in peace. He fites well enuff
when put to it, but he haint no endurence. Ef he don't win
from the start, his game is up. and the less he intends to do,
the more he blows afore he commences. His endless blowin
about his fitin capacity and resources, afore the war, wuz wat
roped us Northern Dimekrats into it, and indoost us to stake
our politikle fucher on their success. Alass! we wuz fooled
in em, and we go down with em.
I never want to hear a word agin about Southern chivelry.
We hev got to git em back agin, for alone we kin do nothin,
and I spose when we hev em back, we'll hev to knuckle to em
jist ez we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft uv the
party; but we'll do it this time for policy, while before we did
it from sheer belief in their sooperiority over us. I'd be well
satisfied ef we cood git along, ez a party, without em.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
