174. CLXXIV.
THE LAST CABINET MEETING. — THE END OF
THE JOHNSON REIGN.
Washington, D. C., March 5, 1869.
The agony is over! A. Johnson, spurned by an ungrateful
people, wich didn't deserve so sweet a boon, is wunst more a
privit citizen, and uv no more account than I am — not ez
much, for I am still a Postmaster.
Ez I wuz in at the birth uv the Johnson party, so it wuz my
painful dooty to be in at the death. I wuz present at the first
and the last uv its Cabinet meetins. The first wuz an eggsileratin
scene; the last the most mournful I ever witnist. At
the first we startid out with high hopes; fresh in our offisis,
with a Treasury to draw on wich seemed to us to hev no bottom,
and with sich men ez Raymond, Weed, et al., to give us
character, and the voices uv the thousands uv patriots, wich
wantid offis, biddin us God-speed; at the last there wuz left
only those who hed become so fixed that they couldn't get
away, and every one uv em conshus that the next day at 12 M.
they wuz forever lost. The harlot commencin her career with
youth, beauty, strength, and store clothes, is one thing; the
same bein holler-eyed, sunken-cheeked, dirty, and drabbled,
turned out to die on a dunghill, ain't so pleasant to look at.
The meetin wuz held in the same old room, in wich I hev
seen more weepin than ever fell to the lot uv one man. (The
administrashun uv A. Johnson will be known in histry ez the
moist Administration.) It wuz in this room that we decided
to veto the Freedman's Buro and Civil Rites Bill, and all the
other acts uv the 39th and 40th Congress; it wuz in this room
that we received the news uv the eleckshens uv 1866, '67, and
'68; it wuz in this room that the Philadelphia Convenshen wuz
determined upon, and the tetchin march uv Couch and Orr,
arm in arm, up the aisle wuz arranged, the President writin at
the same time his little speech, in wich he mentioned the fact
that ez he read the account thereof he couldn't restrain his
emoshun, but bustid into a flood uv teers; it wuz in this room
that the spontaneous triboots uv respeck toward His Eggslency
at various times and places wuz arranged, and the details
thereof fixed up; in short, it wuz in this room that all the acts
wich gild the memry uv the late administrashen wuz decided
upon and evenchually wept over.
Ez I entered it, for the last time probably, I bust into
teers on the threshold, and jined the other weepers who hed
bin distilin briny grief for some hours. Indeed, so long hed
they bin weepin that one friend uv the President, who hed a
Kentucky countenance, howled piteously for some liquid to
replace that wich he hed lost. A bottle wuz handed him, and
he wept no more. I tried it to strengthen me agin the waste
that I knowd must ensoo. Ingratitood is not my failure. Till
A. Johnson gits back to Tennessee my eyes shall not be dry.
The President wuz terribly calm and composed.
“Weep! my friends!” sed he, “weep. I can't blame you,
for you are about to be deprived of me! But in this tryin
hour I will be calm. I hev swung around the entire circle uv
offishel honor. I hev bin —”
At this pint his voice trembled and his eyes wuz suffoosed.
“But, no! I will be myself. Sekretary Seward, is there any
more acts uv an unconstitutional Congress to veto?”
“No — pockitin uv em ansers the purpose.”
“Is there anybody to pardon?”
“No one — but stay. Now that I think uv it, two counterfeiters,
one whisky speculator, a Confedrit officer or two, and
wat's left uv the assassination party, still linger in Basteels or
in exile.”
“I must finish my work. Hand me them blank pardons!”
He wrote with a firm hand, a fillin uv em out, wich only took
a second, ez he hez blanks printed for all the various offences
man kin be guilty uv.
“Now then my dooties is accomplished, and I cheerfly resine
the power wich I wood hev laid down long ago but for the sake
uv my bleedin country. I wood hev saved my native land —
Enough. Admit our friends.”
Mayor Munro, uv Noo Orleans, Mrs. Cobb, a score or more
uv Confedrit officers, and a flood uv unforchenet men who hed
bin accoosed uv tamperin with an unconstooshnel currency,
and a hundred, more or less, uv Federal offis-holders, filed in
and shook the President corjelly by the hand, dropin a silent,
elokent teer ez they passed. There wuz, in addishen to these,
several hundred poor wretches who hed bin layin about Washington
for months waitin for posishens, but who hedn't got em.
They hed no money to get home with, and they insisted that
the President must and shood furnish em means. One uv em
demanded uv Randall $500, but that great man finally got
rid uv him by loanin him a clean shirt and a box uv paper
collars.
The man wuz deprest, though still hopeful.
“This,” sed he, wavin the shirt in air, “this is all I hev
to start on agin; when I embarkt into Johnsonism my friends
fell off. In remorse I took to likker, and step by step went
down till I became the loathsome objick yoo behold. But I
shel now reform, and try to be somebody. Disguised in this
shirt I may inspire confidence and find a helpin hand. But
don't none uv yoo speek to me on the street.”
Ez I saw him the next evenin, in a state uv hilarity, hangin
to a lamp-post, repeatin porshens uv the late President's farewell
address to passers by without any clean shirt on, I judged
remorse hed ovoercome him again, and that the clean shirt hed
bin pawned, poor fellow!
Then come the most saddest scene uv all. The President
hed to bid adoo to his Cabinet.
“My tried and trustid friends,” he commenced, when Randall
broke in with the onfeelin remark, that he'd better say “trustid
friends” without the “tried.”
“My liege, `your tried friends' wuz in the gang uv counterfeiters
which jist left the presence. They wuz not only tried,
but convicted.”
Sekretary Seward wuz vizably effected. That afternoon he
had heerd uv an Island for sale, the principal volcano on wich
hed mostly stopped gushin, and he wept to think he hedn't
time to complete negociashens for it. It wuz offered for
$20,000,000, and he considered the price a mere bagatelle.
Sekretary Welles wuz the only cheerful one in the party.
He hed no idea that he wuz to stop bein Sekretary uv the
Navy; he expectid to go along ez tho nothin hed happened.
Seward and Randall hed bin tryin for an hour to make him
comprehend the sitooashen — that ther wuz to be a change —
but to no purpose. He coodent get it thro him. I undertook
to impress it onto his intelleck, but my efforts wuz futile.
Huggin to his buzzum a model uv a Erie canal boat wich he
had determined to re-model into a revenoo cutter, he kept on
sayin, “Why — why shood I go out? I wuz under Linkin
and then Johnson. There ain't no more difference between
Linkin and Johnson than there is between Johnson and Grant
— is there? I agreed with Linkin and with Johnson, and I
shel agree with Grant, doubtless. Why shood I differ with
Grant?”
Randall smiled a sardonicle smile at the aged infant, and
remarkin that he (Randall) hed hed a good time uv it anyhow,
the recolleckshen whereof the d—d Abolishnists coodent rob
him uv, shook hands with A. J., addin that he didn't bear him
any ill will.
“I'm a rooined man,” continyood Randall, “but I'm ez much
to blame ez yoo are. I shel go into histry coupled with yoo.
My bloomin boys, when they arrive at man's estate, will apply to
the Legislachers uv their respective States to hev their names
changed to suthin else. I'm young, and can't die in a few yeers,
ez Welles kin, and must therefore drag out a longer eggsistance,
but I don't blame yoo. I went into it, takin the chances, and I
stand the hazzard uv the die. I shel serve the ambishus youth
uv this country ez an Awful Eggsample.”
But little remained to be done. Randall and Johnson arranged
to hev Welles absent from Washington for the week
followin the inaugurashen, knowin that otherwise he'd hev to
be carried out uv the Department by force. They appintid a
committee uv Connecticut men to keep him busy till after his
successor wuz installed, and shakin hands all around, each
sheddin a manly tear, the last Cabinet meeting uv A. Johnson's
administration passed into histry.
Uv the inauguration uv Grant the next day, I hev not the
heart to write. Suffice it to say that niggers participatid in it.
Niggers wuz on the sidewalks, not ez in the olden time, humble
and meek, but in chairs, waitin to see the procession pass,
amoosin theirselves the while readin noospapers.
Deekin Pogram, who wuz with me, called my attenshen to
this, askin ef it wuz possible for a Kentuckian whose eyes
beheld sich a site to hev any further faith in republikin instooshens?
The old saint shuddered visibly ez a nigger in a
dress coat, plug hat, and shiny boots passed us, nearly knockin
us into the gutter in their haste, his wife onto his arm, dressed
in the heighth uv fashion, with a panyer. He smiled feebly
and in a bewildered way, but sed nothin. The site uv a nigger
regiment marchin in the perceshun finished the Deekin. He
grew so faint that I hed to take him to his lodgins. He left
the same evenin for the Corners.
The members uv the late Administrashen hev not decided
wat to do. Browning will probably go into a claim agency in
Noo York. Randall remarkt that ef Sammy Cox and Jack
Rogers cood succeed in Noo York, he thot he cood. Mrs. Cobb
will go to Noo York, and probably the pardon brokers, lobbyists,
and sich, will do likewise. A dozen or two Faro banks
packed up to-nite, and others will speedily follow em. In consekence
uv this breakin up in the Administrashen and its
supporters, the poleece force uv Washington hez bin already
lessened.
I shel accompany the late President to Tennessee, and take
my leave uv him then. He will want some faithful friends to
console him on that dreary passage, and who so fit for the offis
ez the undersined? I shel see him entombed in Greenville,
and then sadly turn my steps to Kentucky and await the ishoo
uv evence. I shel uv course be turned out uv offis, and wat
will follow I know not. A. J. may conclood to stump Tennessee
for the governorship, ez Brownlow hez the paralysis; if so, I
shel go to his rescue. I can't now go to Noo York, for that
city will be overrun. With Browning, Randall, and the thousands
who go out uv offis with them, in that city, wat chance
wood there be for me?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster.)
P. S. — The press, wich is now subsidized, is animadvertin
upon ex-President Johnson for not appearin at the inaugurashen.
His Eggslency preferred to avoid the display. “Let
Grant start fair,” he nobly said; “I will not mortify him by
giving the throng wich hez flocked here to pay triboots uv
respeck for me an opportoonity to hurrah for me ez the percession
passes. I hev swung around the entire circle uv offishel
honor, and kin afford to be magnanimous. Let him hev the
entire credit uv wat enthoosiasm is manifested.” Cood anything
be more noble? P. V. N.
