56. LVI.
HAS A DREAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
October the 21st, 1864.
I am no bleever in gosts or dreams, or sich, nor never wuz.
Ef the tyrant Linkin (wich is a ape) shood draft me, and I
shood be dragged to the tented field, a unwillin martyr, I know
I shood much prefer meetin the gost uv a rebel soljer, wich is
a shadder, than to encounter wun in the flesh, with a muskit
and baynet, wich is no shadder. Dreams is likewise unsubstanshel,
and result, nine cases out uv ten, from aboose uv the
stumick. I dream but seldom, and wen I do, I alluz attribit it
to eatin a pound or two more sassage, or drinkin a quart or
two more whisky, than I really need, late at nite; and I never
bleeved they wuz prophetic, becoz I don't allow that the seat
uv prophecy is located in the stumick. These is my theory uv
gosts, dreams, and sich.
I hed a dream last nite, wich left a impreshn on my mind. I
hed bin preparin a sermon, provin that “Servants, obey yoor
masters,” justified the ketchin uv niggers with dorgs, wen I fell
asleep and dreamed. Methawt I wuz dead, and hed laid in
that stait 200 yeers, and hed awoke, and found myself agin on
earth. I saw nothin pekoolyer. There wuz more railroads,
and more school-houses, and into wun uv the latter I went.
The school-marm wuz eggsaminin a class uv youngsters in
history.
“Who wuz the greatest and goodest men the Yoonitid Staits
ever prodoost?”
“George Washington and Aberham Linkin.”
“What did they do?”
“Washington founded the government, and Linkin preserved
it.”
“Who wuz the wust men the country prodoost?”
A little girl anserd:
“Joodath Ithcariot, Benedict Arnold, Jeff Davith, and Vallandigum.”
“Yoo are wrong, my child,” retorted the school-marm.
“Judas lived in another country, and before the others. They
were so simler, however, that the error is excoosible. What
did Arnold, and Davis, and Vallandigum do?”
“Arnold betrayed his country, and took up arms agin it;
Davis rebelled agin his government, and Vallandigum helped
him all he cood without gettin hisself into danger.”
“What names were given them ez opposed the government
in '76 and '61?”
“Tories and Copperheads?”
“Which wuz the wust, the Tories or Copperheads?”
“That pint hez bin much discussed, but no concloosion hez
ever bin arriv at.”
“How many times wuz Linkin electid President?”
“Two.”
“Had he any opposition for the second term?”
“None to speak uv. The rebels and Copperheads run a disgraced
soljer, whose name sum historians giv ez Mickfadden,
uthers ez Micknellan, and uthers ez Micklellan; but ez he
receeved no votes in the electoral colledge, the eleckshun wuz
considered unanimus. The Copperhead candidate sunk into
obskoority after the war, and he wuz forgotten, wich wuz lucky
for his children.”
I notist about half the children hed on bloo ribbins; one
fourth wuz drest ordinary, and the balance hed a white rag
pinned to their backs. I asked the school-marm wat this
indicated. She askt me ef I wuz a furriner; to wich I anserd,
I wuz, a furrin prince in disguise, on a tour uv observashen.
She replied:
“Them ez hez bloo ribbins is the descendants uv the loyal
soljers uv the great rebellion; them with no decorations is
decendid from loyal men who wuz not soljers; and them poor
things who hev the white rag (she busted into tears and wept
perfoosely), are the unforchnit desendants uv — Copperheads!”
I visited a court-house. The case they wuz tryin wuz slander.
One man hed asserted that the great-great-grandfather
uv another, who wuz a opposin candidate for Justis uv the
Peace, hed bin a Copperhead. Plaintiff brot into court a old
paper printed in 1864, wich showd that said ancester wuz on a
Linkin centrel commity. Joory brot in a verdict uv $10,000
for plaintiff.
I awoke from this dream in a cold sweat. “Is it possible,”
thot I, “that posterity will so regard us?” and for a minnit I
wuz almost persuadid to be a Christian. But I thot uv the
post-offisis, and sed to myself, “What is posterity to a ded
man? Let me hev offis, and the means uv keepin my skin full
uv whisky, without work, and posterity may think wot it
pleases.” And I resoomed labor on my sermon.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
