125. CXXV.
MR. NASBY PROJECTS A COLLEGE.
Confedrit × Roads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), }
December 9, 1866.
[1]
Square Gavitt, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and myself
wuz in the Post Offis last nite, wich, next to Bascom's, hez got
to be the cheef resort uv the leading intellex uv the Corners,
a talkin over matters and things, when the Deekin happened
to menshun that next week his second son, Elijer, who hez
intelleck into him, was a goin to start for Michigan to enter a
college.
“Wat!” sed I, “do yoo perpose to send that noble yooth,
Elijer Pogram, to a Ablishn State, to enter a Ablishn college,
to suck his knollege from a Ablishn mother? Good Heavens!
Frailty, thy name is woman.”
[I hedn't any ijee that this last remark wuz appropos, but it
sounds well, and I hev notist that it don't make much difference
wat the cotashun is, so ez yoo end a remark with a cotashun.]
The Deekin remarked that it wuz painful; but the fact wuz,
Elijer must hev a ejucashen. He didn't bleeve in ejucashen,
generally speekin. The common people wuz better off without
it, ez ejucashen hed a tendency to unsettle their minds. He
hed seen the evil effex uv it in niggers and poor whites. So
soon ez a nigger masters the spellin book and gits into noosepapers,
he becomes dissatisfied with his condishn, and hankers
after a better cabin and more wages. He to-wunst begins to
insist onto ownin land hisself, and givin his children ejucashen,
and, ez a nigger, for our purposes, ain't worth a soo markee.
Jes so with the poor whites. He knowd one meloncolly instance.
A poor cuss up toards Garrittstown, named Ramsey,
learnt to read afore the war, and then commenst deterioratin.
For two years he refoozed to vote the Dimocratic ticket, then
he blossomed out into a Ablishnist, and tried to make the others
uv his class discontented by tellin uv em that Slavery wuz wat
kept them down, and finally, after pashense ceased to be a virchoo,
and we tarred and fethered him one nite for a incendiary,
he went to Injiany. That cuss cum back here, doorin the late
onpleasantniss, kernel of a regiment, wich he campt on my farm
and subsisted em off it. Sum ejucashen is, how ever, nessary.
I design Elijer for Congris, and he must hev it. He's a true
Pogram, and nothin will strike in wich kin hurt him.
“Why not,” sez I, “that the Southern yooth may be properly
trained, start a College uv our own? Why, Deekin, run risks
uv hevin the minds uv our young men tainted with heresy?”
The entire company wuz struck with the idea, and it wuz
earnestly canvassed, and finally decided upon; and I wuz
deppytized to start it, wich I immejitly did. The name by wich
the new college is to be known is “The Southern Classikle,
Theologikle, and Military Institoot uv Confedrit × Roads (wich
is in the Stait uv Kentucky).”
The college grounds is to comprise one hundred akers taken
from corners uv the farms uv Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers,
and Capt. McPelter, wich ground they sell the college, seein
it's for that purpose, for $300 per aker.
The faculty will be, ef we kin sekoor em, composed uv these
trooly great minds: —
Genril Forrest, late C. S. A., Professor uv Moral Philosophy.
Kernell Mosby, late C. S. A., Professor uv Rhetoric and
Belles Lettres.
Capt. McGee, late C. S. A., Professor uv Natural Sciences.
Genril Magruder, late C. S. A., Professor uv watever is understood
by them ez is posted in college matters ez Classics, wich
I shel look up ez soon ez I have time.
This is a killin two birds with one stun. We not only pervide
ejucashen, wich is safe for our young men, but we
pervide comfortable places for the heroes uv the late onpleasantniss.
In addition to these, Deekin Pogram, Square Gavitt, and myself,
each pledged ourselves to endow a Professorship in the
Theologikle Department, to be known by our names, and we to
hev the appintin uv the Professors.
The Pogram Chair uv Biblikle Theology will be offered to
Rev. Henry Clay Dean, uv Iowa, provided he will stipulate to
wash his feet wunst per quarter, and change his shirt at least
twice per annum.
The Gavitt Chair uv Biblikle Literatoor will be offered to
Rev. C. Chauncy Burr, uv Noo York.
The Nasby Chair uv Biblikle Politicks will be filled by Rev.
Petroleum Vesoovius Nasby, whose eminent fitness for the
place is undispooted.
In the Scientific and Classikle Departments the text-books
will be keerfully revised, and everything uv a Northern or
levelin tendency will be scroopulously expergated. In the
Theologikle Department speshl attenshun will be given to the
highly nessary work uv preparin the stoodents for comin out
strong on the holinis uv Slavery, and to this end the three
years' course will be devotid thus: —
1st year — To the cuss uv Noer.
2d year — To provin that the Afrikin nigger wuz reely the
descendants uv Ham.
3d year — Considerin the various texts wich go to show that
Afrikin slavery is not only permitted by the skripters, but
especially enjoined.
I shell myself lectur, from time to time, on Ham, Hager, and
Onesimus, that the bearins uv these individooals upon our system
may be fully understood, and also on sich subjects ez the
inflooense uv stimulatin flooids upon the human system, the
cat-o'-nine-tails ez a evangelizer, and sich other topics ez may
from time to time sejest themselves.
The young men confided to our care will receive not only a
solid collegiate educashun, ez it is understood at the North,
but careful attention will be paid to the accomplishments so
nessary to the troo Southern gentleman. They will be taught
draw poker, pitchin dollars (real Spanish dollars will be provided
for the purpose), spittin at a mark, revolver and bowie
knife practice, tournament ridin at rings (real injy rubber rings
will be provided — this'll be extra), and cat-o'-nine-tails. The
morals uv the stoodents will be scroopulously looked after. No
card-playin will be allowed afore servis on Sunday, and none
whatever with the servants. They will be taught to respeck
themselves.
Uv course, there will hev to be a large outlay uv money,
wich it stands to reason can't be outlayed till it's inlayed. We,
therefore, formed an Executive Committee, whose dooty it wuz
made to solissit funds for this purpose, and to inaugerate a
series uv Gift Enterprises, and sich, wich is ez follows: —
Deekin Pogram, President. Elder Slathers, Vice-President.
Capt. McPelter, Corresponding Secretary. Myself, Financial
Secretary and Treasurer.
The high standin uv the Board, particklerly the Treasurer,
wich hez the handlin uv the funds, is a suffishent guarantee that
all money subscribed will be faithfully applied. It wuz resolved,
in order that the Board may present that respectable appearance
wich their posishen demands, that the first funds reseeved
should be applied to the purchis uv each uv em a new soot uv
clothes, a step, I am confident, the friends uv southern educashen
will approve uv and heartily endorse.
I hev hopes in the course uv a week to report progress.
Every subscriber uv $2.50 and upwards, will hev a Honorary
Professorship named after him, or will be made a Honorary
Member uv the Board uv Directors, ez he chooses. We hev
high hopes uv a libral support from the Dimocrisy North.
They cannot but realize the dangers uv sendin their sons to
sich institooshens uv learnin North ez must turn em out Ablishnists,
or chill, at least, the ardor uv their Dimocrisy.
It is to be hoped that contributions for the buildin uv the
institooshen and its proper endowment will be commenst
immejitly, ez there is a morgage on Deekin Program's farm,
and I am in pressin need uv a substanshel soot uv winter
clothes.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
