15. XV.
ASSISTS DRAFT RESISTERS.
In the Hands of Linkin Hirelings, }
Hoskinville,
March 26, 1863.
[1]
I am in durance vile. Wunst more the tree uv liberty is
uprooted in my person; wunst more hev the unrighteous tools
uv the monster Linkin seized my venerable form and incarceratid
it in a basteel. So many times hev I bin imprisoned
fer opinion's sake, that, ef I kin get a pardner with capital, I
shel go into the marterin biznis. But to my narrashen. When
the news reechd me uv the bold stand made by the heroes uv
Hoskinville in opposition to the draft, I determined to throw
myself “into the deadly and imminent breech.” I made my
way to Hoskinville, wuz reseeved with the wildest enthoosiasm
by the patriots ther assembled, and wuz to wunst placed in
command uv the forces. It wuz a proud day for Nasby!
Before me stood, leaned, and laid (akordin ez they hed emptied
their canteens, wich wuz all filled with new fitin whisky), two
hundred uv the brave sons uv Hoskinville, from the rich, hory-headed
farmer (uv whom I promptly borrerd 80 odd dollars)
to the gay and sportive yooth uv 16, all consoomd with onquenchable
arder. I drilled sech uv them ez were suffishently
sober to keep their feet, nigh onto two days, amoozin ourselves,
into the intervals with passin resolooshens denouncin Linkin,
and pledgin ourselves to resist even unto death.
At last our scouts brot us intelligence that two companies
uv bloo-coated hirelins wuz within 9 miles uv us, approachin at
the rate uv wun and a half miles per hour. “Ha!” shouted I,
“the foe! they comest! Now, men uv Hoskinville and visinnity,
show yourselves men!” Accordingly another meetin was
immejitly organized, chairman and sekretary appointid, and a
resolution passed, pledgin the meetin to resist, even unto death,
the proseedins to be published in all the Dimecratik papers.
We adjourned, and I wuz about drawin on em up in line uv
battle, and wuz instructin uv em to hold the muzzle uv the gun
from, instid uv toward, theirselves when they fired, and wuz
explainin to others the necessity uv puttin the powder down
the barrel before the ball, and makin sich other arrangements
ez a wise and prudent commander, determined to conker or
die, would, when suthin like a dozen uv em ejakilates:
“Gineral!”
Drawin myself up to my full hite, I anserd, “Wat!”
“Gineral,” sez one uv the oldest, “we are not advantajusly
postid. Wood it not be better on the hill?” sed he, pintin to
a high eminence jest east uv the town. I perseeved at a
glance the strategik importance uv the position, as the enemy
wuz approachin from the west, and I ordered the men to de
ploy by squadrons, in open right file platoons, and okepy the
summit. Never wuz a order obeyed with greater alacrity. I
hev a reputashen fer speed — I kin rival the courser and outstrip
the jentle gazelle — but they shot past me like an arrow.
Their enthoosiasm carried em to the top uv the hill, and how
much further I hev no menes uv knowin, ez when I reached
the top uv the hill not wun uv the resisters wuz in site.
I wuz arrested that nite. In vain I protested that I wuz a
Methodist preacher sellin fruit trees; my nose, wich blossoms
ez the lobster, and a copy of the Noo York Day-Book I hed in
my pocket, wuz aginst me, and I wuz to-wunst confined. My
feelins is hurt.
