42. XLII.
ORDAINS A MISSIONARY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
March the 17th, 1864.
Last Sunday we hed an improvin season. Robert Tooms
Punt, who hez bin a studyin for the ministry with me for the
past four weeks, wuz licenst and ordained. He is a youth uv
much promise. He votid twict for Bookannon, and only 18
yeres old, swarin his votes in with a coolnis and ease that
eggscitid the admirashen uv the patriarks at the biznis. I kin
safely say that he hez whaled more Ablishnists, bustid more
Methodist Brethrin, and other hetrodox Churches, than any
Dimekrat uv his age in the Stait. He hez a brilliant future.
After the usual questions wuz put to him, and satisfactorily
anserred, the congregashen wuz dismist, and, in the presence
uv the elders and deacons alone, I delivered the follerin
charge.
Brother: Hevin bin reglerly ordained, it only remains for
me to give yoo a word uv council. Yoo are a goin into the
apossel biznis at a rather unfavorable time. Man, wich is born
uv woman, hez trouble for his inheritance. I've hed so much
uv it that, ef I hed it to do over agin, I woodent be born
at all.
The politikle heavins is orecast with portenshus clouds.
The litenin uv wrath is leapin frum wun to another, whilst the
thunder, wich wuz wunst at a distance, now roars angrily in
our ears. The ole ship Dimokrasy is tossin madly onto the
wild waves, with nary a sale set, her seams open, the water
(a furrin element to her insides) a rushin in. The stiddiest
part uv her crew hev seezed the boats and abandoned her, and
the rest uv em are a fitin for the helm.
In the mean time the old ship is dashin past the haven uv
Success, and is headin strate for the rocks uv Destrucshen.
To yoo is intrusted a part uv the work uv savin her. Let me
entreat yoo —
1. Avoid the soljers. With them yoo hev nothin in common.
They will despitefully use yoo. Wunst a party uv em made
me drink a pint uv water and take the oath uv allegianse,
wich outrages wuz follered by conjestion uv the bowils and
inflamashen uv the brain.
2. Alluz preech agin the nigger. It's soothin to a ginooine,
constooshnel, suthern-rites Dimekrat to be constantly told that
ther is a race uv men meaner than he is. Besides, it's safe —
the nigger hez no vote. Ef he hed, we might vary.
3. Alluz hev a marter. The stait-rites Dimokrasy alluz
sympathize with a man that's in basteels for sympathisin with
the South, for nun uv em know how soon their turn may
come.
4. Preech agin amalgamashen at leest four Sundays per
month. A man uv straw that yoo set up yerself is the easiest
knockt down, pertikelerly if yoo set him up with a view uv
knockin uv him down.
5. Alluz diloot yoor whisky for new converts. It takes much
to convert a Ablishnist, and ef yoo use the pure artikle, it
wood kill a ordnary constooshn afore he'd hev time to vote,
wich wood be aggervatin.
6. Sarch the skripters faithfully for sich passages ez “Cussid
be Kanan,” “Servance, obey yoor masters,” and sich.
7. Learn to read, or at least git the shape uv the letters so
fixt in yoor mind that when yoo quote from a book or noosepaper,
you will hold it rite side up. Eddicashen hez bin a
grate help to me.
8. Learn to spell and pronounce Missenegenegenashun. It's
a good word.
The great leadin ijees uv our sect, wich it is yoor dooty to
inculcate, is these: The nigger's a ape, Linkin a goriller, Jeff
Davis a chrischen gentleman, the rebellion a struggle for rites,
the soljer a bluddy tool, Benbutler a beast, et settry. Yoo are
never to bleeve in Fedral victorys, but must alluz credit
Confedrit successes. I woodent advise yoo to let yoor faith in
the Confedrisy go so fur as to take their skrip on yer salary,
neither wood I burn greenbax. I hev dun. Go, my brother.
Let yer polar star be Dimokrasy, yer rallyin cry, “The
Yoonyun ez it wuz — the Constooshn ez it is,” wich is latitoodinus;
fite the good fite, and the day will cum wen yoo kin lay
orf yer armor, and with “P. M.” after yoor name, enjoy the
repose that alluz follows well-directid and viggerus effort.
Brother Punt startid to-day for Suthern Illinoy, wher he hez
a congregashen.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
