61. LXI.
PROPOSES THE EMIGRATION OF THE DEMOCRACY.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
December the 8th, 1864.
[1]
I read in the Scripters (a book I alluz perooze whenever
I'm bad sick), suthin about ten tribes uv Israel that wuz lost.
A ijee struck me. I see a way by wich the present unholy,
devastatin war kin be stopped, and after givin the matter doo
considerashen, I'm convinst uv its feasibility. It is
EMIGRASHEN!
The Suthern branch uv the Dimekratik party ought to be
convinst, by this time, that they ain't a match for the Ablishnists
a fightin, jest ez the Northern wing hez diskivered that
it ain't no match for em a votin. The fact is, the entire plan
uv repairin the old temple uv Dimokrasy with secession mortar
hez very much the appearance uv a failure. My father (a Noo
Jersey Dimekrat) wunst spilled lamp-oil on a noo coat. He
askt a nabor, who wuz reckless, wat wood take it out, and he
told him sulphuric acid. The old man got some, and poured it
on. The next day he went over to his adviser in great wrath,
with the remnants uv the coat.
“John,” said the old gentleman, “didn't yoo tell me that
this yere acid wood eradicate grease from my coat?”
“Certinly; didn't it?”
“John, why didn't you likewise tell me that it would also
eradicate the coat?”
Alas! the remedy Dimokrasy swallered to cure the cramp
colic it got in 1860, is gnawin its bowels. It is curin its ills
ez striknin duz hydrophoby in a dorg.
To resoom. My ijee is Mexico. Let a peece be made, the
terms uv which are, that jest such uv the people uv the old
Yoonitid States ez hev made up their individjle minds that
they can't live under Ablishn tyranny, shel hev the privilege
uv leavin with all their goods and chattels. Then we'll go to
Mexico, upset that offshoot uv European monerky, Maxemilian,
and set up pure Dimokrasy, with ekal rites and slavery ez the
corner-stuns. Sum may object on the ground that Maxemilian
is by this time too hefty to be histid. Here is the forse we
kin kalkilait on:
| Northern Dimekrats in Canady in consekence uv drafts, |
200,000 |
Northern Dimekrats at home who spected orfis under
Micklellan, |
1,460,000 |
| Suthern army, say, |
200,000 |
| Grand total, |
1,860,000 |
Cood Maxemilian stand afore sich a array ez that? Not
any.
“But,” sez one, “uv wat yoose wood them peace Dimekrats
and draft skeedaddlers be to a military expedishen? — they
won't fite.” My gentle friend, Jeff'son D. knows his biznis.
Let him whisper into ther ears that each and every wun uv
em that survives shel hev a post-orfis, and they'd wade in blood
knee-deep. O, it would be a cheerin site to see them a chargin
up the steeps uv Chepultepec, with the inspirin cry, “Post-orfis!”
Evry wun uv em wood be a hero.
There we'd set up Dimokrasy agin. The country, uv course,
we'd divide, North and South, free and slave, for a Northern
Dimekrat wood feel oneasy in his mind ef he hadn't a South
to serve. We'd hold Nashnel Convenshuns in the halls uv the
Montezoomers, and, O, woodent it be soothin to agin heer
Toombs and Rhett, and them high-minded fellers, a bully-raggin
uv us! Methinks.
Ez evry wun uv us wood be offis-holders, wher wood we git
constitooence? Nacher hez pervided. The natives uv that
country wood serve admirably. But they coodent understand
yoor speekers. Troo, but them Mexicans wood soot us all the
better for not understandin English. Whenever a Dimekrat got
sense enuff into him to comprehend our talk, he alluz left the
party. Give me the voter who takes his faith on trust. It's
yoor inquirin minds that hez played the devil with us.
I shel immejitly perpose the matter to President Davis.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
