46. XLVI.
THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 21st, 1864.
[1]
Joy to the world — Vallandigum is come! The grate exile,
in defiance uv the edix uv a usurpin despot, hez returnd to
his native soil! Glory! My buzm swells with emoshun, and I
leap for joy. Welkum, Vallandigum!
Overjoyd ez I am, my sensashens are not all pleasurable.
The return uv the distingisht champion uv Suthrin rites is
sumwat embarrassin. The trooth is, Vallandigum wuz not jest
the man we wanted for a leeder. He hez tongue, without
discreshun, wich qualitis hez ruind many buddin geniuses.
Such men kin alluz succeed in kickin up a dust, but, forchunately,
they alluz git smothered in it. Vallandigum's weeknis
is — Vallandigum. Shet him up in a sekloodid spot, wher he
hed noboddy to blather to about hisself, and he'd expire in
disgust in a week. To resoom.
His return is unfortunit, becoz —
What will we do with him? Under his leadership, we wuz
bein redoost to a very small pint, so small indeed that we wuz
jest ready to bury. At this crisis, Linkin he ups and arrests
him. Wat a turn that wuz for us! It wuz a double-actin leever
that lifted us two ways, to-wit: we got shet uv Vallandigum,
who wuz a unmixt noosance here. It convertid a
noosance into a marter, wich wuz wat we wantid, and give us
ground to go on.
Vallandigum ort to hev bin more grateful than to hev bustid
this arrangement by comin back. Hed he stayd, a poor exile
on a furrin shore, a strainin uv his eyes to git even a faint
glimpse uv his native land, until the campane wuz two thirds
over, and then committed sooiside jest afore eleckshun, in a fit
uv temprary insanity brot on by greef, and sorrer, and wo, and
sich, it wood hev bin hunky. His funeral wood hev bin profitable
to us, for he is like the gentle hog, a heavy expense to his
owner wile livin, and uv no earthly profit to him till he dies.
Agin. Ther's no call for takin up colleckshuns any more for
his benefit, and — away goes the cheef inkum, not only uv
myself, but uv half the Dimokratik politishns uv the Stait. I
shel hev to deny myself uv all luxoories frum this time out.
Wat kin we do with him? He heznt the knack uv sayin
two things at wun say, and nuthin else will do us. Wen the
party wuz a settin its face mildly aginst slavery, to fool the
Free-silers, he wuz for eradikatin the evil. Now, wen we air
pintin mildly Southward, he's declarin for em openly, in his
usual loonatik stile.
To conklood. I love Vallandigum; but ef Linkin wood
arrest him and immure him in the darkest dunjun in Fort Warin,
or hang him, or marter him in any manner, he wood trooly confer
a favor on the undersined, and the entire Dimekratik party.
Then wood we carry his deceest karkis thro the North, with
suthin to show on our chargis uv tyranny. But with Vallandigum
at liberty and in good health, the fust, last, and only victim
uv unconstooshnel usurpashen is gone, and with it our capital.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
