137. CXXXVII.
THE CONNECTICUT ELECTION.
Washington, April 7, 1867.
[1]
The news uv the election in Connecticut created the most
profound sensashen at the Corners. It cum to us onexpected,
like a clap uv thunder from a clear sky, like a gleam uv sunlite
thro a mass uv overpowrin black clouds, or like the first
streak uv sunlite in the mornin after a long nite uv cholera
morbus with no brandy in the house. The Corners hevn't
experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv joy sence the receet
uv the news uv the Fort Piller affair. It perdoost a very
singler effect on Deekin Pogram. When I told the news, he
wuz engaged a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly
belonged to him, that, after all, the Southerners themselves
wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood trust; and that when
the time cum for em to exercise the 'lective franchise, ef they
hed any regard for their own interests they wood turn their
backs on the Ablishnists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed
deceevers, and trust them only who knowd em.
“Samyooel,” sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit tone, with one
hand on the nigger's shoulder, “why shoodent we love yoo?
Yoo are bone uv our bone, and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv
one blood —” (this remark the Deekin got into a habit some
years ago uv gittin off when speekin uv the Dimocrisy North,
and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho in this instance,
ef I hed bin in his place, I shoodent hev slung it out, owin to
the pecooliar construckshen wich mite be put onto it) — “and
our interests is one, Samyooel.”
“Deekin,” sez I, interruptin him. “Deekin! Connecticut
hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez gone Dimocratic!” —
“Wat!” sez he, “Dimocratic?”
“Verily,” sez I. “A Governer, and three Congressmen out
of four.”
Ther wuz a sudden rupcher uv the friendly relashens existin
between the Deekin and Samyooel the dark complexioned. If
he wuz uv the Deekin's flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of
mortifyin it; for never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that
unfortunit chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He
pitched into him feroshus; and after pummelin the astonished
Afrikin, who didn't see why the result of a eleckshun shood
work sich a change, till he wuz out uv breath, he condenst wat
strength wuz remainin into one vigrous kick, exclaimin, —
“Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked sweet to yoo
under false pretenses. I've bin betrayed into wastin soft
sawder onto a nigger — into coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable
rite to command — into —”
“Wat does all dis mean?” sed the nigger, faintly.
“Mean!” sed I to him; “my frend, this is the reaction
we've heard so much about — it's arriv. It means that there
is a exceedinly good chance uv yoor bein redoost agin to yoor
normal speer; uv yoor comin down from the high hoss yoove
bin a ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren. It
means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor a good deal
more valyooable to us now than yoo wuz a hour ago. Go, my
friend, and buy salve for yoor brooses; for unless yoor heeled
yoor valyoo will be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to
sell for a low price — woodent yoo?”
I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin, and come on to Washinton.
The nite I arrived there wuz high carnival at the White
House. The President wuz in tall feather. There wuz
Connecticut visible all over him. He hed a wooden nutmeg
for a buzzum pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from his
watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they wuz drinkin
punches made of Noo England rum, with small slices uv
Wethersfield onyuns in em insted uv lemons. Randall sprung
toward me ez I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand,
the President by tother, and we then — not altogether onlike
the three graces — embraced. They hed the advantage uv
me, ez they hed one odor — the onion — wich I hedent, but I
stood it. Why not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of
those hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed they
bin eatin assafœtida.
At this juncter Sekretary Welles come in.
“Ha!” said he, “why this unwonted hilarity? why this joy
wher greef generally holds her courts?”
“The Connecticut elecshun,” said Seward.
“O, to be sure,” sed the venerable old man, vacantly; “I
remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some other man who wuz
elected over — over — wat wuz his name? — our candidate?”
“That wuz last yeer!” sed Seward, angrily.
“Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State vote agin?”
asked he, innocently, to wich no anser wuz given. But very
little attention is paid to Sekretary Welles by any one 'ceptin
Seward; and the fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep
him postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evidence
that he's breakin up. It's evident that he's passin into his
dotage.
There wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther, and Saulsbury,
and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and Seymour, and Brooks,
and congratulatory letters wuz read. John C. Breckinridge
hoped this auspicious event wuz the beginnin uv good feelin,
presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph uv
them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his friends. Mayor
Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped that, after this evidence uv
returnin reason, President Johnson wood not hesitate to remove
that second Butler, General Sheridan, who wuz ojus to
every friend the President had in the city uv wich he wuz
[ILLUSTRATION]
JOLIFICATIONS AT THE WHITE HOUSE. — The three Graces. Page 414.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. A group of many men in dark suits;
three of them in the center have their arms wrapped around each
other.]
lately Mayor. General Wise sent his congratulashens; but ez
they okkepied thirty-eight pages uv legal cap paper, closely
written, they wuzn't read. Mosby sent a allegoricle pipe
made uv a corn cob, onto wich wuz carved a symbolicle nigger,
with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his wool,
with his congratulations; and Fernando Wood, and Jesse
D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn, and Vallandigham
wanted to know now whether or not the President wuz a goin
to accept the situashen, and take the Dimocratic party to his
buzzum? Ef so, he hed a list uv apintments for Southern
Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the question arose
whether or not I hed not better move my Classicle and Military
Institoot to Connecticut? I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst
asked, ez pertinent to the question, whether or not ther wuz a
distillery in Connecticut; and sekond, whether or not ther
wuz a vacant post offis within four miles uv it.
Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold out indoosements
that he coodent fulfill. He wuz honest. Honesty wuz
his best holt — simple, childlike strate-forwardniss in his deelins
in politix wuz his cheef failin, and hed well nigh been his
rooin. The first query wuz easy to anser — the eleckshun
returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary intellek that
ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut or very handy to
the State; but ther wuz no Post Offisis to spare. To carry the
State every wun of em hed bin solemnly promised.
The President remarkt that he reely shoodent think that
triflin circumstance wood interfere with givin uv em to other
men.
At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that onless I cood
hev a better post offis than the wun I hed, I woodent go. I
cood go and cood move wat there is uv the College bildins.
It woodent cost much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I
spose a better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than the
cost uv transportin it, but wherever that Dimocratic College is
built that must be the corner stun uv it. That stun is hallowed.
Ther are tender assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the
corner-stun uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the
ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill.
But I won't go to Connecticut onless my subsistence is
asshoored. Ther is more money ther than in Kentucky; but I
doubt whether they wood support me ez well. I kin understand
why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Kentucky — he's interested
in niggers. I kin appreciate the Dimocrisy uv
Suthern Injeany, Illinois, and Ohio, coz they come from that
region, and the sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I
kin understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fernando
Wood's deestricks, but pardon me — I want to keep very clear
uv Connecticut Democrats. A people anywhere in Noo England
wich kin deliberitly ally theirselves to us is just the kind
uv people I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust
a Yankee who hez dickered away his interest in Bunker Hill.
I hev notist that a Noo Englander wich comes South and
married an old maid, or a widder with a plantation, wuz never
to be trustid; and it's my experience that a demoralized
Yankee — one who hez shed his early trainin, and took up
anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest specimen
uv a white man on the face uv the green earth. He hez the
acootnis wich is born uv a barren soil, without the Puritanism
to keep it within bounds; he possesses the ability to make a
livin on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a easier
subsistence in milder climes; and instid uv fishin for mackrel
he goes South and fishes for men. A Noo Englander, unrestrained
by grace, is pizen, and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv
em. I hev heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin
we may well be thankful for. I have always been thankful that
the Mayflower brot over religion ez well ez brains and will.
Among the Connecticut Democrisy I shood stand no show;
and, besides, I hev too much self-respeck to soshiate with em
on terms uv equality. Instid uv foragin on them, they'd
manage to live on me. I hev lambs to sheer in Kentucky, and
I don't care about changin em. I don't want to throw any cold
water onto this festive occasion, it bein a element we all
despise; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her continyooin
troo? Ef I understand it, we won by means uv patronage,
and runnin a War Democrat — a bein I, in common with all the
troo Democrisy, despise. We can't do it agin. The next
blast that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears a story
uv another kind. One swaller don't make a spring. I hev
knowd uv calves being born with two heads. This election, I
fear me, is one uv these monstrosities wich Nacher sometimes
perdooses to show what she is capable uv. It ain't normal. I
hev no objeckshun to yoor feelin good over it — it rejoict me,
coz it'll give our friends South courage, and may skeer the
Radicals into givin us better terms, but —
My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury, who hed bin
sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle, and the odor uv
the onions overcomin him he rolled under the table, and very
shortly thereafter the meetin broke up. I leave for home
to-morrer, or ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
