168. CLXVIII.
A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO RATIFY THE NOMINATIONS
AT THE CORNERS.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
July 31, 1868.
[1]
We hed last nite a ratification meeting at the Corners, wich
started out gloriously, but didn't end so happily ez it mite. I
hed gone to a good deal uv trouble about it, and hed made all
arrangement for a feast uv reason and flow uv sole, ekalled by
few ratifications and surpassed by none.
The blessed Deacon, McPelter, and Issaker Gavitt, who expect
respectively to hold the posishens uv Assessor, Collector,
and Whiskey Inspector for this district, come down handsomely
with the funds, enuff to enable me to dekorate the post offis
with flags and transparencies, and myself with a pare uv ready
made pants, wich I muddied considerable to make em look old,
so that they shood not suspect ther funds hed bin applied in
that way. Human nacher is a inscrutable mystery. They
wood objeck did they know I hed clothed myself with ther
money instead uv wastin it on taller candles and sich, wich
burn out and leave nothin behind.
I wuz economikle in my expenditoors, or rather little expense
was nessary. Desirin to wake the enthoosiasm uv the Democrisy,
I procoored a parsel uv Confedrit battle flags, wich the
returned heroes hed brot home with em, and hed the talismanic
words, “Seymour and Blare,” painted across em. The effeck
wuz gorgus! Ez nite approacht I hed the transparencies,
saved over from a celebrashen wich hed bin held after Chickamauga,
lighted up. The enthoosiasm, ez the populace saw
these, and listened to Captin McPelter, ez he red em to em,
wuz overpowerin. How they cheered ez the words flasht out
into the nite, “Southern Rites, Southern Men, and a Southern
Government!” “Death to Northern Hirelins!” “Down with
the gorilla Linkin!” “Jeff Davis and the Confedracy forever!”
“No quarter to Fedral invaders!” And when Boregard's
black flag, onto wich “Seymour and Blair” wuz painted
in red letters, wuz unfurled, ther arose sich cheers for the
nominees uv the Noo York Convenshun ez I hed never heerd
before, nor expect to again.
At this time, jist ez everythin wuz a gitin red hot, the trouble
commenced. Pennibacker, wich runs our biggest and best
distillery, jumped onto the platform, at my suggestion, and proposed
three cheers for Seymour and Greenbacks, and three
groans for the bloated bondholders. The crowd, with troo
Dimokratic docility, wuz agoin to cheer, when Bascom, who
hez some 5.20's, riz, and swore that he'd be d—d ef that shood
be. “Governor Seymour is in favor of payin the Nashnel
indebtedness, principal and interest, in gold. Reed his speech
at the Cooper Institoot.”
“Is he? Is he?” shoutid Pennibacker, springing onto the
platform, “Is he? Reed the platform wich he accepts!”
“Don't Belmont, and the eastern bankers, support him?”
yelled Bascom.
“Don't Vallandygum, Pendleton, and dirty shirt Dean support
him?” yelled Pennibacker.
“Yoor doctrin,” sed Bascom, excitedly, “is a d—d swindle
— a peace uv theevin, wich a Arab wood be ashamed uv, and
Seymour sed so.”
“Yoor proposishen is a outrage onto opprest people, a
grindin uv em into the earth under the heels uv bloated aristocrats
and pampered sons uv luxury, and the platform Seymour
stands onto says so,” shouted Pennibacker.
“Yoor a swindler!” excitedly yelled Bascom; whereupon
they clinched and rolled orf the platform titely huggin, and
making extraordinary physikle efforts at injoorin each other.
To direct the attenshun uv the populis from this untoward
circumstance, I rekested Issaker to sing out three cheers for
Blare!
“Three cheers for Blare!” sung out Issaker, “the Missouri
statesman, who will rid us uv Freedman's Burows and military
rool.”
“Three cheers for Blare!” yelled Punt, — “a Ablishnist
and Linkin hirelin, wich shot my unkle in Missoury, and burnt
my grandmother's house near Vixburg!”
“He ain't no Ablishnist!” exclaimed Issaker; “reed his
letters.”
“It's difficult to say wat he is to-day, but I'll swear to it he
wuz three years ago; but it makes no difference. I swore four
year ago to lick any man who hurrahed for any member uv the
Blare family.”
And this infooriated wretch pounced onto Issaker, and they
rolled off the stand to join Bascom and Pennibacker, who
hadn't settled their onpleasantnis yet.
Before it ended Deekin Pogram and Kernel McPelter got to
arguin ez to the propriety uv recognizin niggers in the ranks
uv the party, the Deekin takin one side and McPelter the other.
The passions uv these estimable gentlemen wuz rouzed somewat,
and before I cood interfere they hed each other by the
throte, and rolled orf onto the ground beneath the platform. I
sprang down to separate em, when McPelter turned upon me,
and wood hev sacrificed me on the spot, but the Corners rusht,
ez a man, to save me. Ez I owe the most uv em, I am entirely
safe here, and ez I shel be ontil I pay my debts, I shel never
die uv violence.
At this pint the fite became general. Some uv the people
sided with Bascom, some uv em with Pennibacker (akkordin
ez they bought whisky by the barl or by the drink), and the
balance uv em assisted Bigler and Issaker Gavitt, ez ther inclinashun
promptid em. In the melee the platform, flag, and
transparencies wuz tore down, nearly breakin my leg, for wich
I wuz insuffishently remuneratid by the handkerchers I borrered
from the prostrate combatants, under cover of assistin uv em
to rise.
After the scrimmage wuz over, Pollock and Bigler came,
with three niggers, into Bascom's, where we wuz repairin damages,
wich remarkt that they hed held a meetin, and hed passed
resolooshens thankin the Lord devoutedly for havin releeved
the Republikin party uv the Blare family, and sympathizin with
the Democrisy wich hed reseeved em; and also acknowledging
the obligashen the colored men uv the nashen were under to
the Democrisy for the handsome manner in wich they hed
treated Joe Williams, the Afrikin delegate to the Noo York
Convenshen, ez the selectin uv a nigger ez a delegate, and
assosiatin with him on terms uv ekality, wuz a step in the
direction uv yooniversal Brotherhood, wich wuz cheerin. This
insultin message, delivered to men wich wuz a patchin up ther
faces and washin orf the blood uv a politikle conflict, wuz the
reverse uv soothin.
The ratificashun wuzn't altogether a success, but we shel
try it agin after time hez softened the asperities engendered
by the recent conflict, and the candidates hev hed time to fit
theirselves and ther records to the platform. The Corners kin
be counted on.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
