136. CXXXVI.
MR. NASBY, IN IMITATION OF WADE HAMPTON,
TRIES TO CONCILIATE THE AFRICAN.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 28, 1867.
I hev made many sudden and rather 'strordinary changes
in politix — some so very sudden that the movement perdoost
conjestion uv the conshence. I rekollect wunst uv advokatin
free trade and high protective tariff, all within twelve hours
(I made a speech in a agricultooral deestrik uv Noo York in
the forenoon, at 10 A. M., and in a manufacturin town in Pennsylvany
in the evenin, our platform bein so construktid that
both sides cood find a endorsement in it), and hev performed
many other feats uv moral gymnastiks; but this last change I
hev bin called upon to make is probably the suddenest. Last
week Toosday, Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and I, wuz
engaged in riddin the Corners uv niggers. We hed endoord
em ez long ez we thot possible, and determined on standin it
no longer. Selectin three, wich we wuz satisfied hed too much
spellin-book into em to be enslaved agin, we wuz preparin
notises to be served onto em, orderin em to leave in twenty-four
hours, when I reseeved in the northern mail a letter
marked “Free — Alex. W. Randell, P. M. G.” I knowd it wuz
offishel to-wunst — that blessid signatoor is on my commisshun,
and I've contemplatid it too often to be mistaken in it. Its
contents wuz brief, and run thus: —
“To all Postmasters in the Southern States: The niggers
hev votes — consiliashen is our best holt. See to it.”
This breef, tho not hard to be understood order, wuz sealed
with the offishel seal uv the Post Offis Department, stampt into
putty instid uv wax, to wit: a loaf of bread, under a roll uv
butter, with ten hands a grabbin at it. I comprehended the
situation at site, and set about doin my dooty with Spartan
firmness. “Deekin,” sez I, tearin up the notises, “these niggers
we hev misunderstood. They are not a inferior race —
they are not descendants uv Ham and Hager — it wuzn't Paul's
idea in sendin back Onesimus to condemn him to servitood —
we hev misunderstood the situation, and must make amends.
The nigger is devoid uv smell, and is trooly a man and a
brother!”
“Wat?” said the Deekin, tippin back in amazement.
“Jest wat I say,” sez I. “Read that,” and I flung him the
letter.
The upshot uv the conference wich follered wuz the callin
uv a meetin the next nite, at wich all the Ethiopians uv the
Corners wuz invited and urged to be present.
The trouble wuz to git the niggers to attend the meetin.
The fust one I spoke to lafft in my face, and askt me how long
it wuz sence I hed helped hang a couple uv niggers, by way
uv finishin off a celebrashen. Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper,
got hold uv it, and told Joe Bigler, and Joe swore that ef the
niggers hedn't any more sense than we give em credit for, in
sposin we cood bamboozle em so cheep, he shood go back to
the old beleef, to wit: that they wuz only a sooperior race uv
monkeys, after all; and by nite every nigger in the visinity
wuz postid thoroughly, and out uv all uv em I cood only git
four who would promise to attend, and them the Deekin hed to
pay $2 apiece to. To give it eclaw I promised one uv em $5
(to be paid at the close uv the meetin) to sit on the stand with
me, wich, bein a very poor man, and hevin a sick wife in a
shanty near by, who wuz suffering for medicine (wich he
coodent git without money), he accepted.
At this pint an idee struck me. I remembered Philadelfy,
and determined to hev a scene rivalin the Couch and Orr biznis.
“Another thing, Cuff. Understand that it's a part uv the
bargain that when in my speech I turn to yoo and stomp, yoo
must rise and embrace me.”
“Wat?” sez he.
“Fall into my arms, lovin-like — yoo understand — jest as
tho we wuz long-lost brothers!”
“Scuse me!” sed he. “I'se a mity low nigger, and wants
to buy de old woman some quinine, and wood do most anything
foah dat; but, golly, dat's too much!”
“Not a cent,” sed I, sternly, assoomin my most piercinist
gaze; “onless this is included!”
“Well,” returned he, sulkily, “ef I must, I speck I must;
but, golly —”
The nite arrived, and the meetin-house wuz full. We thot
fust uv holding it in the chapel uv the College, but give up the
idea ez impracticable, ez, owin to the dillytorinis uv our Northern
friends in forwardin sich subscripshens ez they hev raised, we
hevent got no further with the bildin than layin the corner-stun.
In the front wuz the four niggers, all in clean shirts,
and on the stand wuz the nigger I hed engaged. Over the
platform, wuz the follerin mottoes: —
“In Yoonion ther is strength — For President in 1868, Fernando
Wood. For Vice President, Frederick Duglis.”
“In the nigger, strength — In the Caucashen, beauty — In
the mulatter, who is trooly the noblest uv the human species —
both.”
In addishen to these, we dug up all the old mottoes wich
Jefferson writ, about yooniversal liberty and sich, wich hedn't
bin quoted in Kentucky for twenty years, and postid em up;
in brief, hed Wendell Phillips' blessed sperit bin a hoverin over
that meetin-house, it wood hev smiled approvinly.
I spoke to em elokently on the yooniversal brotherhood uv
mankind, holdin that whatever else cood be sed, Adam wuz the
father uv all mankind, and that the only difference between a
white man and a nigger wuz, the nigger wuz sun-burnt. The
nigger, I remarkt, wuz, ondoubtedly, origenally white; but
hevin bin, sence his arrival in this country, addicted to agricultooral
persoots, he hed become tanned to a degree wich, tho
it marred his physikle beauty, did not interfere with his sterlin
goodnis uv heart. Ther hed bin differences between the races
— at times ther hed bin onpleasantnises wich no one regretted
more than I. The whites uv the Corners hed not alluz bin ez
considrit ez I cood hev wished. They hed flogd sevral uv em,
and hung many more, and in times past hed held em in slavery
and sich; but that shood not be thot uv at this happy time.
It wuz constooshnel to do these things then, and Kentucky
wuz eminently a law-abidin State. “Here,” sez I, “on this
platform, with the flag uv our common country over me, I declare
eternal friendship to the colored man, and to seel the
declarashen I thus embrace —”
[ILLUSTRATION]
"I THUS EMBRACE." Page 410.
[Description: 635EAF. Illustration page. Illustration of two men; one of them
holds out his hands to the other, who is an African-American.]
The obstinit nigger didn't stir a step.
“Come up and fling yoor arms around me, you black cuss,”
sed I, in a stage whisper. “Come up!”
“No yoo don't, boss!” sed the nigger, in a loud voice, wich
wuz audible all over the church, and holdin out his hand. “I
can't trust yoo a bressid minit. Gib me de $5 fust. Yoo owe
dis chile foah dollars now fo' sawin wood fo' yoah post offis, and
ef we's a gwine to hab our rites de fus yoose I shel put mine
to will be the gittin dat money. Pay up fus, and de 'brace
afterward. I can't do sich a disagreeable ting widout de cash
in advance.”
This ruther destroyed the effect. The unities wuzn't preserved.
The niggers in front bust out in a torturing laff, and
Pollock and Bigler rolld in convulsions uv lafture, in wich half
uv our people joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood
of embracin, and that cussed nigger standin with his hand extended
for the money, with the Deekin and Bascom horror-struck
jist behind, formed a tabloo wich wuz more strikin than
pleasant.
The meetin wuz to-wunst adjourned, for it wuz evident to
the dullest comprehenshen that nothin more coodent be done
that nite. Es yoosual I failed for want uv capital. Hed I bin
possesst uv the paltry sum uv five dollars, how diffrent wood
hev bin the result! Perchance we may, thro that defishency,
lose Kentucky. It must never occur agin — my salary must
be raised. I can't make brix without straw.
Joe Bigler met me next mornin, and remarkt that he regrettid
the occurrence, ez he ardently desired to see the two races a
pullin together. “The fault, Perfessor,” sed he, “wuz in not
managin properly. The next time yoo want a 'spectable nigger
to sit on the platform with yoo and the Deekin, or kiss or
embrace yoo — git him drunk. He'll do it then, probably —
I know he will. Ef he's drunk enuff, he'll hurrah for Johnson,
and it's possible to git em down to the pint uv votin with yoo.
Lord! how whiskey drags a man down. See wat it's brot yoo
to!” and the insultin wretch rolled off, laffin boisterously.
“Git em drunk, Perfesser!” he yelled ez long ez he cood
see me.
We don't intend to give it up. Bigler's advice wuz given
in jest; but, nevertheless, I shel act upon it. Whiskey is wat
brings white men to us; and ef a white man kin be thus capchered,
why not a nigger? The Afrikin hezn't got ez far to
fall to git down to our level, and it'll take less to bring him.
Bascom ordered five barrels to-day, wich I spose the Administrashen
will pay for. We hev yet the Noo York Custom
House, and more uv the perkesits must be yoosed for politikle
purposes.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor.
