71. LXXI.
“MAKES A DELEGASHUN UV HISSELF,” AND
VISITS THE PRESIDENT.
Saint's Rest (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Jersey), }
May the 21st, 1865.
[1]
All the Staits uv the North, and the heft uv em recently
subjoogatid, all the societies, associashuns, and churches that
ever I heerd uv, hev sent delegashuns for the purpese uv
volunteerin advice to Johnson, the new President. Feelin that
Noo Jersey shood not be behind in the advice biznis, I elected
myself a delegashun, borrered a clean shirt, and traveled to
Washinton. I wuz announct ez “a delegashun from Noo Jersey,”
and wuz to-wunst usherd into the presence.
“Wher is the delegashun?” ejakoolated the President:
“hurry em up, for I've thirteen more to reseeve this afternoon.”
“Androo Johnson,” sed I, impressively, “I represent Noo
Jersey, a Stait that hez just dun honor to the deceest President.”
“Troo,” returned he; “sich States honor patriots — after
they are dead.”
“I resent the insinooashun, with scorn. Ez proof that the
murder uv the President wrung the popular heart uv Noo Jersey,
let me say, sir, that the Camden and Amboy Directors, at
a meetin called for the purpose, absolootely votid to carry the
corpse uv the deceest President over the road for half-fare! a
honor never before accordid to any livin er dead individjooal.
But let that pass. Noo Jersey needs no speshl pleader. Ther
she stands. Look at her — ef yoo hev a microscope.
“I come, Androo, ez a original Dimekrat, who, whatever
other sins he may hev committed, never skratcht his tickit er
dilooted his whisky. In behalf uv that Dimokrasy I speak.
“Ez hez bin menshund to yoo wunst er twict, a immense
responsibility rests on yoor sholders. The Suthern States
struggled for their rites, but were squelcht. They fought like
heroes, but fell, becoz uv overpowerin numbers agin em.
They're down — yoor iron heel is onto their necks. What will
yoo do? Will yoo grind em, er will yoo be magnanimus?
“Wunst we wuz a happy nashen, and we kin be so agin —
it rests with yoo. Yoo must consiliate the Dimokrasy. Our
party North is magnanimus. We stand ready to forgive
yoo for hevin draftid us, for hevin taxt us to support a unconstooshnel
war, providin you'll stop now. Woo our Suthern
brethrin back with gentle words. They are a high-sperited
and sensitive race, that kin never be subjoogatid. Take em
agin to your buzzum, and don't hoomiliate em by degradin condishuns.
Give em a chanse to forgive us for whalin uv em.
Restore their niggers, pay ther war debt, invite Magoffin, and
Vance, and Brown, and the rest uv the guverment back to their
various capitols — give Lee, and Johnson, and Boregard ther
posishuns in the reglar army, and penshun the disabled Confedrit
heroes.
“Ther mustn't be no hangin. You've got that unfortnit
statesman, Davis — he fell into yoor hands becoz he wuz ignorant
uv the style uv yoor (late Linkin's) minions. He mite
hev knowd that the soljers never saw a woman takin to the
woods without chasin her. But he must not be hung. Dimockrasy
looks upon the matter thus: —
“Yoo can't hang a man for conspirin agin a guverment onless
he takes up arms.
“Ef a few take up arms it's only a riot, and no hangin matter,
'cept when Ablishnists, like John Brown, do it. In sich
cases hangin is alluz in order.
“Ef a number uv staits do it, it's a revolooshen, and them
ez yoo capcher must be treated ez bellyjiggerants and prisoners
uv war. To hang prisoners uv war, Androo, is murder.
“This would probably satisfy the South. At the North less
is required. The Dimokrasy is easily conciliated. Give our
leaders enuff uv the offisis to support em, with the privilege
uv managin things to soot us, and the trouble is ore. On them
terms we'll support yoor Administrashen, or any other man's,
cordially and heartily, and peace will agin wave her white
pinions over the land, and will continyoo to wave em ontil the
Suthern heart is agin fired.
“I hev dun — Noo Jersey hez spoke.”
I rather spect my words will bear froot. Look out for a
change uv policy.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
