University of Virginia Library

189. CLXXXIX.
A FEW LAST WORDS. — THE WRITER HEREOF BIDS
HIS READERS FAREWELL, AND HURLS A TRIFLE
OF EXHORTATION AFTER THEM.

Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate,
that “farewell” is the saddist word to pronounce wich
hez to be pronounst. It may be so among poets, wich are
spozed to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load uv
sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev never found it
so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it,
under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy,
I wuz inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in
Noo Jersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who
believed, on the unsupportid testimony uv three men, and the
mere accident uv the missin property bein found in my possession
(notwithstandin the fact that I solemnly asshoored em
that I didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must
hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv
bustin open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes of cheroot
cigars, I asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence, —
hevin bin fed on bread and water, — the sayin of farewell to
the inhuman jailer wuzn't at all onpleasant. Likewise, when,
in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane uv
1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent and gilelis
patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and
sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary,
after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the
whole question at issue between the parties, and ashoored
him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv votin grew
out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen of my beloved
country, — that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that
leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood
not be easy onless I did all in my power to avert the evil, —
when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with one soot of

close, and a tolable knowledge uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz
it a sad thing for me to say “Farewell” to the grim jailer,
whose key turned one way wuz liberty, and tother way wuz
captivity? Nary.

These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I
hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course uv my long and
checkered career (I do not here allood to the style uv clothin
in the Penitentiary), I am, when I think uv it, surprised at
the comparatively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I
hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the nite, —

hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis uv the
agony of landladies, when they diskivered that I cood not
pay. Knowin the softnis uv my heart, I hev alluz hed a great
regard for my feelins.

I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom rarely
ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy. Never in my
recollekshun wuz the party in sich a state uv abject cussitood.
The Northern States have slipt from our grasp one by
one, ontil none remains wich we kin fondly call ourn. The
Border States are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the
black banner uv Ablishinism; and the States which we kin
control hevent got strength enuff to do any more than to send
a few Senators and Representatives to Congress, wich don't do
us no good. They are very like the itch, — they irritate, but
don't kill.

The Fifteenth Amendment is now a law, and the nigger
votes. The Nigger Votes! Ther ain't no doubt about it.
The Dimocrat uv Kentucky, uv Ohio, uv Noo York, and Injeany
must, from this time hentzforth and forever, go to the poles
beside niggers, and must stand by calmly, and put his ballot
into the box beside theirn! Wat degredashen! Lovejoy wuz
killed in vain, and the mobbins uv Garrison, and Baily, and
the other apossels uv Ablishnism goes for naught. Methinks
I see the gosts uv Lovejoy, and Lundy, and John Brown, a
hoverin in the air, and clappin their sperit hands, and shoutin
in sperit voices, Halleloojy! Methinks I see over agin em the

gosts uv Wigfall, and Mason, and the other worthies, wringin
their sperit hands, and sheddin speritooal tears! Niggers at
the ballot-box — niggers on joories — niggers in offis — niggers
on railroads — niggers in churches — niggers everywhere!
Thank Heaven I am an old man, and can't live long,
anyhow. I hev fought a good fight — but, Heavens! how I
hev bin walloped.

Nevertheless, Dimocrisy will not die. It hez endoored sich
defeats afore, and hez survived. So it will this time. It is
passin through the valley and the shadder now, but it will
emerge yit in the sunlite uv victry. Suthin will come in
time, — what, I can't, with any degree uv certinty, now state;
but suthin will come. The Ablishnists cannot alluz rool. The
cuss uv the old Whig party wuz, that the respective individooal
members thereof cood read and write, and hed a knack
uv doin their own thinkin, and therefore it could not be brot
into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez a party.
That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ablishnists. They hung
together from 1856 to 1860 coz there wuz wat they called a
prinsipple at stake; and on that prinsipple they elected Linkin.
They wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the new goverment
it hed so long desired; and the overwhelmin pressur
uv the war smothered all miner ishoos and all individooal
feelin, and they hung together long enough to see that thro.

But now that question is settled. The nigger — cuss him —
is free, and hez the legitimit result of freedom, the ballot.
The iron bond wich held em together is gone, and they will
split, and our openin is made.

We hev a solid phalanx, wich they can't win over or detach
from us. We hev them old veterans who voted for Jaxon,
and who are still votin for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry
who still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be
put down, and can't be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment,
and who, bless their old souls! don't know no more what Bloo
Lite Fedralism wuz than an unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes.
We hev that solid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly,
and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children go barefoot
in winter, while their dads is a drinkin cheap whiskey, and

damin the Goverment for imposin a income tax. We hev the
patriotic citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and we
hev Ireland. There is ships a sailin the bloo sea forever, and
so long ez a Irishman kin git to the coast with money enuff to
pay a passage to Ameriky, so long we kin depend on reinforcements.
The Pope uv Rome is our friend, and so long ez ther
is a Pope and a distillery, so long will there be a Dimokratic
party in the Yoonited States.

These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin won't tetch.
They alluz hev ben ourn, and they alluz will. In this country
ther will alluz be two parties, and these elements will alluz act
with us, becoz they are naterally ourn. They belong to our
organizashen, and woodent be comfortable anywhere else.
They will be with us in obejence to that law in Nacher wich
puts evrything in its proper place. We hev the proper assosiashens
for these classes, and no others. Nacher never wastes
nothin — she gives us all we kin enjoy. The bird that soars
into the bloo empyrium wuz made to soar into the bloo empyrium,
and consekently wuz provided with holler bones and
wings. Sposn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into the
bloo empyrium (I like that word — its hefty), woodent it be
continyooally mizable becoz it coodent sore into the bloo empyrium?

Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man lean and thin.
Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher shood give a mean man the
entrales and stumick uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't
you see that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and the
desires appertainin, and the meanness that prevented his fillin
em, wood make him mizable? So, ez nacher didn't give him
the disposition to fill stumick and entrales, she didn't also give
him the stumick and entrales to fill. All uv wich goes to
show that he who is fitted to be a Dimekrat will be a Demokrat,
and that ez the Millenium is a long way off, there will
alluz be enuff so fitted to make a tollably strong party.

The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers, and
noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich, are underminin their
party. In time they will, but not yet. Uv wat danger is
preechers to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em with,
in gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers to em, when

they can't read? Besides, we are not at the end uv our resources
yet. When the wust comes to the wust, there is the
nigger left us. It isn't certin that we won't control him evenchooally.
They ain't educated ez yit, and Dimocrisy never
yet failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety. They
hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they hev Delaware
and Maryland; they hev Noo York city and Suthern Illinoy;
and ef we kin git at him afore he reaches the spellin-book, he's
ourn beyond peradvencher.

Then there's new territory to be acquired, wich is full uv
material for us. There is Mexico a ripenin for us. That country
wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added to the
ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich we cood hold for
years. Massachoosets cood do nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers
ain't adapted to Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired
teachers there with their spellin-books, they'd end their labors
by lettin a knife into their intestines for the clothes they wore,
wich wood put a check on the mishnary biznis. They are, it is
troo, several degrees lower in the skale uv humanity than the
niggers, but then they ain't niggers, and we cood marry em
without feelin that we'd degraded ourselves. Mexico affords
us room for hope; we never shel run out uv material for Dimocratic
votes until she is convertid, and but few mishnaries
wood hev the nerve to tackle her.

Therefore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer! Ther's
a brite day a dawnin. Ef we are laid out agin and agin, we
kin console ourselves with the reflection that we're yoost to it,
and we kin go on hopin for the good time that must come.

Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run, hopin eventooally
to be glorified. Let us still cherish the faith that evenchooally
the American people will not refooze the boon we
offer em, and persevere even unto the perfeck end. When
this good time is come, then will the anshent Dimocrisy, uv
wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and ornament for thirty years,
triumph, and layin off the armor of actooal warfare, I shel rest
in that haven uv worn-out patriots, — a perpetooal Post Offis.
May the day be hastened! Farewell!