148. CXLVIII.
AN AMNESTY PROCLAMATION.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 10, 1867.
[1]
I wuz brot to Washinton by a despatch. His Eggslency hed
at last determined to put his foot down — to assert his power,
and to take measures sich ez wood bring to the top, where
they properly belong, that large class uv the citizens uv the
Republic who wuz engaged in the little onpleasantnis, wich
the Ablishnists took advantage uv to deprive em uv their
rites, and to keep em from exercisin the inflooence in the
government they are, and alluz wuz, entitled to. In short,
ez Congress wuz adjourned, and coodent, by no means, be
got together till November, the President wuz convinced
that it wuz his dooty to improve his time, and be reelly
President.
The consultation over the Proclamation wuz long and painful.
Binckley, who is now runnin the government mostly, hed
written the whereases, wich is the most uv the document.
Seward hed taild onto em the Proclamation proper, wich wuz
so small ez to give it a tad-pole appearance, and it wuz to be
discussed. All uv em wuz in favor uv it but me. Ez anxious
ez I wuz for the liberashen uv our friends in the Southern
States; ez anxious ez I wuz to give that blessid saint, Deekin
Pogram, a chance to wallop a nigger agin afore he died, without
bein interfered with by a bloo-coated hirelin, I still hed a
dread. “Dare yoo,” sed I, “go further in this biznis? Isn't
impeachment at the end uv it, ef yoo stir up this matter?
And with Wade in the Presidenshel chair — my God! Pollock
wood hev MY post-offis! My liege, I hed a dream last nite.
Methawt —”
“Go on with the dream,” sed His Eggslency. “Go on, and
I will be yoor Joseph to interpret it.”
“Kin yoo assoom the caracter uv Joseph, and carry it out,”
sed Randall, “with Mrs. Cobb in Washinton?”
This interupshen preventid me from narratin my dreem, so I
resoomed at the pint at wich I wuz interruptid. “And my
opinion is the opinion uv all yoor appintees. The offis-holder
is naterally a Conservative. Agitashun, my liege, mite shake
us out uv our places. On yoo we hang, — yoo are our hope,
our anker, and our cheefest trust.”
And my remarks, wich I delivered with a tremblin voice, and
with teers rollin down my furrowed cheeks, — I felt the solemnity
uv the occasion, for wat cood I do ef turned out into the
cold world at my age? — wuz receeved with peals uv lafture.
“My deer sir!” sed A. J., “yoor innosence surprises me.
Impeach me! Never, so long ez filial and family love is a distinguishin
carakteristic uv the leedin minds uv America, —
never, so long ez a senator hez a nephew to provide for, or a
brother who wants a place. Ah! that love uv blood relashuns!
Wat a beautiful thing it is! And how strong is the
marriage relation wich prompts a man, when he hez promised
to love, cherish, and protect a wife, to go cherishin and protectin
all her brothers' and her sisters' children — the love goin
frekently, like leprosy, to the third generashun! Thank the
Lord for it! It's my only holt! Set yoor mind at eeze by
peroozin these,” and he tost me a bundle uv letters, neatly
done up, and labelled “Letters from Radicle Members uv the
House and Senit.”
A lite dawned onto me ez I opened the first one. It wuz
from a distinguished Senator, and read, ez near ez I kin
remember now, thus: —
“Senit Chamber, March 6, 1867.
“To the President: Notwithstandin the slite difference uv
opinion that may egzist between us on certin minor questions
uv public policy, and despite the unguarded expressions I may
hev indulged in in the heet uv debate, I kin trooly say that I
hev ever cherished the most endoorin faith in the rectitood uv
yoor intenshuns, the honesty uv yoor purpose, and the purity
uv yoor motives. I hev a nephew in my State who desires
the posishen uv Assessor uv Internal Revenoo. He is capable
and honest; and while he hez alluz voted the Republican
ticket, he hez dun it so mildly ez not to be objeckshenable to
those who differ with him. Indeed, last fall he wuz accoosed,
and perhaps justly, uv votin for a candidate for Congress who
wuz a supporter uv yoor policy, wich, tho I do not in all
respecks accept, hez, I must acknowledge, many pints in it to
recommend it to a discriminatin people. I shood esteem his
nominashen a persnal favor.
“With sentimence uv the most profound respect and esteem,
“I remain admirinly, yours,
“— —.”
“P. S. It is, I trust, onnecessary for me to state that I
regard all projecks of impeachment ez wild, visionary, onnecessary,
and dangerous; and no sich projeck kin ever reseeve my
support. I forgot to menshen that a brother uv mine, who hez
never taken a part in politics, and hez, therefore, his opinyuns
to organize, wood gladly accept any posishen under the Government,
and a brother-in-law woodent be averse to simlar
employment. It's a matter uv no consekence to yoo, uv coorse,
but I shel oppose the reassemblin uv Congress till the regler
time in December. I am inflexibly opposed to establishin
dangerous precedents. Shood yoo make the appintments I
desire, I kin git em confirmed by the Senit, ez well ez an
ekal number uv yoor own appintments. In matters uv this
kind ther must be compromises.”
In my surprise I uttered a prolonged whistle. “Them
appintments wuz made,” sed His Eggslency, with a sardonicle
smile. “Them appintments wuz made. Read another —
there's a varied and well-selected assortment uv em. The
Senit is my fish-pond. I drop my hook therein, baited with a
Assessorship, and bless me, how they bite at it! Go on.”
“Senit Chamber, March 7, 1867.
“To the President: I am, ez yoo are aware, known ez a
Radical; but between generous foes there kin be none of that
terrible spirit uv blind hate which characterizes some uv my
associates, who shel be here nameless. I will say, however,
that ef the Senators from Massachoosets, and some others I
cood menshun, wood resine or die, they wood confer a favor
upon the country. I oppose you becoz I differ with yoo, ez
does my State; but that opposishen hez never lessened my
high admirashen uv your patriotism, yoor even temper, or the
many good qualities uv your head and heart, wich shine out so
conspickuous. I hale you ez a worthy successor uv the first
A. J. I hed not intended to mix things persnel to myself in
this friendly triboot, but will do violence to my feelins by
observin that the posishun uv Collector at — is admirably
adapted to a cousin uv mine, whose talence ez a lawyer hez
never bin appreciated by those who know him best. He
agrees with me that impeachment is not to be thot uv, and
that sessions uv Congress, other than reglar ones, is uselis.
Shood yoo be pleased to make the appintment, I shel be proud
to return the favor in any way possible. Ef it woodent be
askin too much, a son uv mine wood be glad to serve his
country ez a Inspector uv Revenoo. Inheritin from me devoshun
to our common country, he burns to devote himself to
her service.
“With sentiments uv profound respect,
“I am, yours, as ever,
“— —.”
“Them appintments wuz made also,” sed the great man,
“and three or four more throwd in when he found how cheep
he cood get em. He visited me after I hed given him all he
asked for, and we hed a frendly interchange uv views. He
persisted in differin with me; but ez we partid, I askt him ef
ther wuzn't jist one more appintment he wanted? Jist one
more? Throwin himself on my neck, he exclaimed, `Not
one! Not one! My brothers, my brothers-in-law, my nephews,
and the doubtful members uv the Legislacher wich finally conclooded
to vote for me, are all provided for.' Bless the Lord
for the appintin power! The biznis uv tradin birth-rites for
messes uv pottage begun with Esaw; but, thank Heven, it
didn't end with him.”
It wuz unnecessary for me to read more. I hed seen enuff
to satisfy me that the integrity uv one third uv the Senit wuz
rather honey-combed, and, like a rusty muskit, not strong enuff
at the breech to bear a severe trial without danger uv bustin.
I saw precisely wat wuz the rock on wich we stood, and what
a citadel it wuz. Kin these men, with these letters in the
hands uv our respected cheef, and ther relatives all a drawin
rashens, turn and rend the hand wich feeds em? Cood I do
it? — and ain't they even ez I am?
So the proclamashen wuz ishood, and I went home a feelin
good. We shall yet wallop niggers in Kentucky; we shel yet
redoose em to ther normal speer; our afflicted brethren in
Tennessee will yet vote, and them not amnestied will be
speshly pardoned ez ther superior merits deserve, and withal
ther will be no impeachment. For wher the carkis is, ther
will be the buzzards also, and we hev the control uv the carkis.
Some uv the buzzards are so gorged with carkis that their eyes
is shut — enuff uv em to inshoor our posishen till the end uv
our term. It is well with us.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
