171. CLXXI.
MR. NASBY AND HIS FRIENDS CONSIDER THE
QUESTION OF BREAD AND BUTTER.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 13, 1869.
The question “Wat kin I do with myself?” is not solved.
My return from Noo York so ignomiously, on foot, wuz a serious
disappointment to my friends at the Corners. They felt
when I left em that they had me fixed for life, and their sorrer
at my ontimely return wuz genuine. Bascom, ez soon ez he
saw me enter his bar, weary and foot-sore, remarked, with a
profane ejaculashen, that I'd be his rooin yet.
I am a man uv ackshun. To-wunst I called a meetin uv my
friends to consider the situashen, and to arrange for another
vencher. I remarkt to em that I had not lost faith in Noo
York; that I wuz certin that that wuz my field. I proposed
that another outfit shood be furnished me, the same ez before,
and that I shood hev one more trial. But they unanimously
declined, feelin that I hedn't suffishent control uv my own
appetite for a grocery keeper, and that investments in that
direcshun wood be a waste uv capital which the Corners cood
not afford.
Various methods uv makin a livin were sejested, but none
met my approval. One wood sejest this thing in San Francisco;
another in Alaska; and each one wood swear that every
one wuz the very thing. Their readiness to agree, and the
numerousnis uv the miles the places wuz away, satisfied me that
distance was the main pint with em.
That misable wretch, Joe Bigler, happened in at a moment
when they wuz a discussin the feasibility uv a conductership
on a street railroad in Noo Orleans, — ez tho the directers uv
the companies hadn't all got dissipated nephews to fill sich
responsible places, — when he remarkt that the obtoosenis uv
humanity wuz one uv the wonders uv the nineteenth century.
“Make uv him,” sed Josef, “a Dimokratic organ grinder,
saw off his rite leg, dress him in bloo, git him an instrooment
wich will play `Dixie,' the `Bonnie Bloo Flag,' and sich toons,
and plant him on the side walks uv Louisville, Noo York, or
any other Dimekratic city, and his forchoon is made.”
“But why dress me in bloo? Why not in gray, ef I play
Confedrit toons?”
“Innocense! Didn't the Dimocrisy always wear bloo while
they wuz whistlin Confedrit toons? Even in the North they
don't object to a bloo coat, so that they know that there's a
Confedrit heart under it?”
“But,” replied I, “I wuzn't a soljer; wich is, only ez a
draftid man, and then only for a short time.”
“That don't matter,” remarkt Josef; “no more wuz the heft
uv Dimocrisy. The bulk uv em wich served, did so as draftid
men. But that circumstance is in yoor favor. The regler organ
grinders, them wich wuz volunteers, put onto a placard wich
hangs onto their instrooment words to this effect: —
“`Enlisted July 10, 1862 — shot thro the leg at Anteetam.'
“Yoo kin put onto yourn this proud inscripshen: —
“`Draftid September 6, 1863 — desertid September 30, 1863;
lost rite leg in an encounter with Provost Marshels, October
10, 1863.'
“Sich an inscripshen wood melt the heart uv every Dimokratic
passer-by, and they'd fill your cigar-box with coppers.
Wich uv em cood resist such an appeal? Think uv wat a
harvest yoo'd reap in Louisville when Breckinridge comes
home, and in Frankfort when he is inoggeratid Governor of
Kentucky! It's the dodge for yoo, Parson.”
I thot the matter over for a minnit, and it pleased me. The
life uv an organ grinder is by no means to be despised. It's a
dreamy, poetical, contemplative sort uv eggistence. Ez ther
ain't no manyool labor in it beyond the mere turnin uv a crank,
I am satisfied that it wood soot me. Then one sees so much
uv life. Constantly before yoo is a ever changin panorama; yoo
see humanity in all its phases; and when nite comes how
sweet the rest, how inspirin the likker, wich yoo hev honestly
earned by yoor manly exertions!
“Is it neccessary that I shel hev a leg ampitatid?” askt I.
“Certainly!” replied Josef.
“Then I decline!” sed I. “Aside from the pain, I hev
regard for them legs. They saved my life in all the skirmishes
I wuz in doorin my breef term uv servis ez a drafted man in
'63. I will not part with one uv em.”
“This is triflen with your friends, sir!” ejaculatid Bascom.
“Yoo hev the way opened for a honist livin, and yoo refoose to
walk ye into it. This cannot be permitted.”
“It cannot be permitted!” ekkoed McPelter, Pennibacker,
and the rest uv em.
“Joseph, hev yoo suffishent skill to ampetate a limb?” askt
Bascom.
“I hev,” replied Joseph, “ef yoo will furnish me a carvin
knife and handsaw. I've seen it done in Confedrit hospitals.
Troo, the victims didn't most alluz survive. Ef yoo do stand it,
Parson, think uv the glorious life organ-grindin is; ef yoo die
under it, console yourself by thinkin how much organ-grindin
yoo've escaped! Bring the knife and saw, and somebody twist
a handkercher about his leg.”
And forthwith they ceazed me, throwd me onto the bar, and
tied me there, and brot a dull knife and handsaw, and that
cuss wood hev hackt into my leg hed it not bin for Deekin
Pogram.
“Joseph Bigler!” sed this more than saint, “trooly tell us
the chances uv his survivin this operashen?”
“About one in a thousand, I shood say; and that's why I am
so anxious to commence!” promptly replied Joseph, sharpnin
the knife vishusly onto the sole uv his boot.
“Then let him up!” ejaculated the Deekin hastily; “let him
up. He owes me thirty-seven dollars, with interest, sence the
second day of his arrival in this place, wich he borrered. Ef
he dies its gone; ef he lives he may strike suthin that'll
enable him to pay it.”
“Slash away, Bigler!” remarkt Bascom, vishusly; “he owes
me seven hundred dollars for drinks sence he's bin here, and
ef he lives he'll double it in a year.”
There wuz an animatid discussion, ez to whether he shood
go on or stay his eager hand. Fortunately I owed every one
uv the bystanders, and wat wuz more fortunate, the most uv
em wuz better fixed than Bascom. The heft uv my indebted
ness to the others wuz for borrered money, clothin, and sich
things wich a man kin git along without. Bascom knows that
ez long ez I live I must hev his goods, money or no money;
and hence his desire to see me either git lucrative employment
or die.
But the majority wuz agin him; he yeelded, and I wuz
saved. Thank Heaven for debt. Hed I bin less hefty on the
borrer, I wood now be a cold corpse.
I must git out uv this ez soon ez possible.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).
