2. II.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral
history.
It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath
are built out ov it, the lizard and the elephant
are full ov it, it is the monkey's right bower, and the
kangaroo's best jump.
The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its
children; it is the language ov creeping things, the
majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov the talking brook,
and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail.
Natral history iz dogg cheap.
To open our eyes, and think while we are looking
iz aul the capital necessary for the naturalizing bizzness.
Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes
such cheap sacrifices upon aul her alters, and holds
the insense under our very nozes?
This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the
light-hearted grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger,
and the elastick flea.
The Bible sez, “The grasshopper is a burden,”
and i never knu the Bible tew say anything that
warnt so.
When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry
small, but in a little while thare gits tew be plenty
ov them.
They only liv one year at once, and then go back,
and begin agin.
Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on
their quarters they can make sum good time.
They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they
raize more than others. I hav seen sum fields so
full ov them that you couldn't stick another grasshopper
in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint.
When they git so very plenty, they are very apt
tew want tew start, and then they bekum a traveling
famine, and leave the road they take az barren az the
inside ov a country church during a week day.
Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necessary
for our happiness, but they may be; we
don't even know what we want most.
I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not
if they are a blessing, but i hav thought (to myself)
if they would let the grass and cornstalks be, and
pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would
bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage
the fight, and wouldn't care a cuss if they both got
finally licked.
But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the
grasshops.
I never see ennybody yet but what despised Bed
Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling,
creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in,
after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short
range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides
—the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at
you even in Broadway—but the bed-bugg iz a garroter,
who waits till you strip, and then picks out a
mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't
hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way;
one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2
weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a
whole year.
It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are
in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew
bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave
it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend
to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a
brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote
are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git
thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov
them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must betheir
stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must
hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew
stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they
must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be
enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long,
and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same
trade.
If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed
buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and
leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and
the most pesky, iz the Flea.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and
shine like a bran new shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring
further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite
on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs
in 2 minnits, and leave him az freckled az the
meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea
on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that;
the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and
hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he
ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the
fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon
as you hav found them.
I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average,
during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the
whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare
iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz
a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be
a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz,
and if you don't mash them up az fine az ground
pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller
kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea,
and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow;
they don't stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do
ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it
may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2
minnits.
