61. LXI.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE NEAT PERSON.
Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews.
I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity.
But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav
seen them who did understand the bizzness so well
az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav
seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized
virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun,
enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy
who kum in kontackt with it.
When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail
heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the
ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz
bekum the tyrant of its viktim.
I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired
fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny
quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread
for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach
up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph
clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav
him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively
with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches
miself—espeshily in mi soup.
Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard
and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness;
but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for
they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before
the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew
scrubbling it awl over agin.
If you should shut one ov these people up in a
hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the
time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov
the hogshed in less than 3 months.
They will keep a whole house dirty the year
round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can
hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making
dip kandles.
They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing
early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will
begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat
folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft
water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell
what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They
are sum like a kitchin gardin—very regularly laid
out, but not planted yet.
If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I
would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the
different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would
keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not
stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she
would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United
States ov Amerika.
THE PHATT MAN.
Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks
that i ever envy, and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.
I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter
hiz own virtew, and improve hiz stock ov understanding;
but he kant kivver hiz long, lean boddy
ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that
is fun tew set down on.
I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed,
with hiz slik and shining face cut generously out ov
warm meat, and gashed with a pair of smaking lips,
az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a
sea shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy
eyes, that are forever slopping over with good natur,
but what I wanted to call him unkle, and kiss him
for mi ant.
And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,)
so outspoken, so full ov good things, iz equal to a
dinner, for a lean devil, like me, to look at even.
I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the
next one so like an empty stocking, or a manakin in
a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the phatt souls are
like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they
kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew
make others happy.
Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide?
i guess yu never did; they luv gravy tew well for
that.
Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than
enny picture he ever drew, and tho he filled him
up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale heroism, and
much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt,
and everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav
this good-natured hillock ov flesh graded down out
ov their memory.
When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out,
you remember, a lean apothekary, who kept a grocery
ov beggarly boxes.
Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I
guess not. They sumtimes destroy plum puddin, and
biled ox, but they never murder enny thing that
ain't good tew eat.
That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed,
upon hiz fust visit tew this kuntry, “By
gar! what a people! Ten tousand different religions,
and only one gravy!”
In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skoolmaster,
and he want good for enny thing, only tew
slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize me
that phat iz only another name for virtew.
