18. XVIII.
JOSH IN SARATOGA.
Dear Weekly:—Don't think I am going to ruin,
don't think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen
to hear from me at this grate drinking place. I am
here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking
for mi Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old
yet, that I lost lately.
Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from white
swellings az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen
people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost evry
one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good
common sense, and had brought enuff along with
them to last while they staid.
Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish
Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt
familys.
Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now,
and the liberal way that they invest in the katharticks
ov the situation iz suggestive.
Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress
Spring. She waz a rosy and a roomy bride.
He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a light
draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff
glasses without flinching, and, i think, would have
held one more.
He looked a hundred pounds bigger.
I waz filled with horror at the sight, but soon had
aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody
present wash themsels internally with five or six
tumblers full ov this liquid salts and perilash.
Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the
old ground, and iz at least 15 rods front on Broadway,
with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and will cost 400
thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick
one thousand festive sons and daughters at onst.
Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding
house; aul the femail seminiaries, and akademys
of the arts and sciences, fill up their summer vakations
with spring-water pupils.
The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring;
this now flows over its conical summit, something
that it haz not done before for 300 years, and besides
being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the
greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of
Solomon, his 500 wives and 300 good-looking collaterals
inkluded.
Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare
wouldn't be ennything left ov deep interest, but a
pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got moral strength
enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight,
unless the hole waz well manured first.
But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs,
that will kure ennything, from a broken heart tew
the spring halt—water the most sparkling—water
that biles and bubbles, without money, and without
even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a
babe—I say, with such a legacy, Saratogy iz to-day
the surest place on the breast ov the earth to git
a good loose drink.
My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant
git no track ov mi Newfoundland pup, with one
white foot and a star in his forehead; and bizzness
before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall
leave here before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis,
in search ov the dogg.
The annual races passed oph with the usual
amount ov burglarys, and pocket-book thieveries,
but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first citizens,
that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the
races) lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would
pick it up for the fust two days.
I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for
fear thare might be just one slippery cuss left in the
place, and one man could raize up a rowl ov bills for
me, just as eazy az 40 could.
I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in
sich moral experiments.
The ground, whare the old United States Hotel
stood, remains kivered with the debris ov that
melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew ashes
and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable
dry goods emporium in the universe ov America.
I have it from Jenkins, (who is here now gitting
himself pliable,) that az soon az one or two objectionable
partners can be smoked out ov the ring, then
the balance ov them will build on the grounds a
hotel that will make—Rome howl.
The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions
now, and both ov them hav a full stummuk
ov clean looking, and very decent ackting passengers.
Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I
saw yesterday waz quite “uneak.” (I don't know
whether this word iz just the thing tew use in this
spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl
that I care for.)
The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black
bugger driving, clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras
buttons, and cockade on a plug hat with a velvet
belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves,
and a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under
the front axletree, and 3 hosses in injun file, two
blacks, and the one on the lead the color ov
cream.
Jenkins told me, that they were the only shoddy
team here, and belonged tew a young fellow from
Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov Conneckticut,
whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making
beeswax out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a
good deal ov injun meal.
But it won't do to believe awl that Jenkins sez; he
has lied so consekutive for the last 15 years, that
hiz front teeth hav awl decayed out.
One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a
drove ov tame injuns, with their squaws, and young
porpoises, who cum here each drinking season, from
the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets,
bags ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows.
Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but
each successive porpoise grows paler, and meaner,
and if it want for their nastyness, there aint 3 boarding-school
misses in the whole land, with poetry
enuff in their bild tew call them “the noble red
men ov the forest.”
The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry
in injuns, and the truth iz, that keyenne whiskey,
and other kinds ov civilization, has outflanked them.
It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand
whiskey and civilization.
A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without
doubt, but a tame injun, one with more milk than
molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near good for nothing,
az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland.
Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at
least 2 thousand miles from ennyboddy else, and
always stay at home, and never see a missionary.
P.S.—I hav just this minnit received a dispatch
that thare iz one more nufoundland pupp in Freehold,
New Jersey, this morning than thare waz
yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the
end ov his tail.
I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue
mi pup before he gits contaminated, I shall be az
proud az a rooster. In haste, good bye.
