70. LXX.
JOSH EPISTOLATES.
Neptune.—I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily
tew miself, but perhaps mi answers may suit
yu. I cant tell yu what wit and humor is.
It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently
unlike, and hav them prove tew be a cluss
match.
Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a
flint, but thare might be in striking fire with a piece
of injia rubber.
I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quantity
ov wit in yure telling sumboddy that yure gal
was as hansum as a rose, but thare might possibly
be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that
she was as frail, and as thorny, too.
Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what
the old fashioned folks in Connecticut used tew call
“heat lightning,” not the original artikle that gashes
the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's
hair get up on end and ake with astonishment.
Humor don't dazzle, don't knock a man down
with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing
tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing
the patient into fits.
Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit;
punning is called wit, but punning alwus looked to
me like trieing tew make words pass for ideas.
Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is
something like sticking a pin into a man, just for
fun, and then ask him tew join in the joke.
Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint
roomy enuff in the skull tew talk mutch about them.
Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare
is a peculiar kind ov bewitchment in awl three ov
them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better than
they can pictur out.
Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and
most folks think they am, but ginowine wit is like
piety; thare aint much ov it in the market, and those
who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew
hav the most.
Philo.—I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments
towards dancing. I like most awl kinds, from a
genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew the limber,
and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is
no other way tew git the booby out ov a boy, and
keep him from steping onto himself, than tew learn
him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is
useful for both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless
as gitting over a fence, and i think dancing-masters
should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny
more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over
a hundred pounds, who will give himself up tew this
profession, ov learning folks how tew dance, than I
hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The
best apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors,
is tew say, that they are martyrs tew the calling.
But while I am loud in mi sentiments for the
theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals
that don't fasten onto my bussum with mutch extatickness,
but rather with grate clammyness. I don't
kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging,
are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed
sum amung the top ov the ladder folks, (i
don't know the name ov the dances) that i think
ought tew be confined tew the married people, and
each man with his own wife, and not tew menny by-standers
at that.
The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss
communion style, a species ov affectionate rotaryousness,
interspersed with palpitating pauses, and
demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged
in with great risk by those whose minds and
hearts ain't thoroughly broke to go in aul harness.
I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi
younger dase, bissy about sumthing else, when i
ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents is, that i
cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness.
I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter
of boddy and limb educashun; but i hope the fastidious
and immoderately polite won't introduce into
the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent
amusement enny more questionable figgers and
forms, and will see the propriety ov banishing some
now already indulged in, which are more a credit
tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew
enny thing else.
Plutark.—“Bring up a child in the way he should
go, and when he gits old, he won't depart from it.”
This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do
it.
I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding
and the catechism, half and half; but they didn't
stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial eggs for badness;
this may be owing tew the fact, that religious
discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on
as good common sense is.
When I speak ov “religious discipline,” Plutark,
i don't mean piety, i only mean a certain kind or stifffaced
and buckram morality, made up out ov creed
and ironclad noshons.
As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag
ov, over and above their piety, as ennybody i kno ov.
As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie
than they are of human natur; their theorys are too
much like a tredmill, and there is nothing in the
world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring
them up by rule.
Children want studdying as much as the weather
dus during planting time, tew know when and what
tew plant.
One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes,
and the next one as difficult as wild oats.
I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair
average, and the only string I fiddled on was their
good sense, and the more sense a child has got the
less fiddling is necessary.
If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't
pay for raising ennyhow.
If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew
hav pride, and a child that has got sense and pride,
is just as easy tew raise as a hopvine; aul you want
to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them, and
then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how
the critters will climb.
