42. XLII.
BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS.
“Mary Ann.”—Your letter wuz duly received.
I hasten teu reply. Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze,
but not fatal. They fust appear on the back
ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and
gro az big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe.
They are kep in a pudding bag, and fatted on black
hoss hair. It is not considered enny misfortune teu
have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu
hav escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract
it now; for thare will be a new one ov some
kind around in a fu days, that yu may like better.
In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for
the Lord only knows what will come next.
“Harrold.”—It will be impossible for me to give
you a never-failing recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes
ov the opposite sex.—Grate perseverance iz
necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly
opposed to the married state. They are like
their mothers in this respeck. I would advise yu
tew read the “Pilgrim's Progress.” It will sustane yu
under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i
would advise yu tew be very polite tew the young
ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more powerful; it is
an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the
mother kind ov back to the days when she had to
suffer in the same cruel way. After fighting the
good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver that yure
sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you
will ov course secure an invitashun to the affair
as pall bearer. This will pay you fur the menny
trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit yu
fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in
getting the objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov
course be the only happy man in the world; this iz
the way it alwus effeckts folks.
“Unkle David.” —Got yure letter thru the intercession
ov the post office. Glad tew hear from you.
Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got the biles:
tell her to poultice them well—and trust in the Lord.
Sorry tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in
bizziness; tell him tew play smart—and trust in
the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn
a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again—
and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle
Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars a bushel; tell
him tew hang onto it next time—and trust in the
Lord.
“Petroleum.” —I hav looked into the ile boring
with grate anxiety, and have satisfied miself that it
is a good bore. If you git enny thing in this world
worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy.
Az a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the
bigger the hole, unless you bore into a mill pond.
Menny people are satisfied in doing a gimblet bizziness,
and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a
smart and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside
in a woodchuck's hole. Animals are more sensible
than humans; they don't bild a house they kant fill
I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think
about iles giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst
and keep at it, and if you don't strike grease, you
will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu hav
made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno
how much ile men are a gitting, az i am tew kno
that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has alwus
bin, don't bore for enny ile—“stock.”
