64. LXIV.
MORE CORRESPONDENCE.
Long Branch, August 24th.
Dear Weekly:—I seaze the opportunity—opportunitys
are like pullet's eggs, they are small, and
don't cum only one at a time—tew tell yu by letter
how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch.
I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see
the Atlantick Ocean, which iz now on exhibition and
doing a swelling bizziness tew full houses.
The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew go in,
and I waz astonished tew find the water so high seasoned.
I asked an intelligent natiff who stood on the
bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon pockets,
the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed
me “he didn't care.”
I think the cuss lied.
It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi
mellow nature with tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew
see the gross amount ov young femailes here on track
ov husbands and prospective fathers.
I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew
in their breaths as I passed by them with downcast
eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for them,
but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly
marrid, and intend to keep so.
Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov
wind az a bellows, and attrakt az mutch attention az
a pattent churn, warranted tew make good sweet butter
from skim milk in ten minits; but they say
“they shan't remain long, bekause it smells so much
like old brine.”
Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart
load ov them (several ov them with my hands).
Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a
country cousin.
Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more
meat in them than thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz
about az difficult to arrive at.
They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug,
in great profusion; they travel around loose, and
seem to know everyboddy.
The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the
bathers resemble mermaids—half men and half
wimmin—and when they emerge from the Atlantic
Ocean you kant tell which is who, unless you ask
them.
After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling,
for which I was advised (by the resident physician)
tew wet miself inside with sum whiskee.
I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and
immediately never felt so mutch like lifting things in
awl mi life.
I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their
light sandy land, and acktually tried tew do it, but
after the whiskee let go its grip ov me I felt as though
I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and hadn't
strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me.
If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will
be after I am ded and gone.
Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so
few that noboddy don't go, out ov politeness.
Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt
inside out, tew give the boarders az mutch salt wind
az possible.
The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop.
Each one haz a door to them, two cracked wash
bowls, and a wet towel.
Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with
soup, and shuts up with huckelberrys. Huckelberrys
are the ruling pashun in New jersey.
The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny
ov them hav resided so long amung the whites that
they begin tew adopt our color.
Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes
his appearance here, and at Nuport, and belongs tew
the landlords ov the different taverns) waz distinktly
visibel to the naked eye.
Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very
well drest man told me he hadn't enny doubt that
this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked Eve
out ov Paradise a fu years ago.
I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov
the idee, that I immediately offered him six dollars
for it, but he sed he waz engaged exclusively to write
one year for the Ledger, and couldn't spare it.
He also sed “he had made snakes a studdy for 14
years,” and gave us a long orashun about the different
kind ov snake, (including the copper snake,) and did
it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf
he waz one ov yure cussed brunette republikans.
Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked
with hiz mouth, sed “the entire snake waz an optik
allusion, cauzed by the oshun upon the
philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids.”
The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and
wore hiz hair a grate deal behind, and looked tew me
az tho he had been gittin himself in condition tew
travail in the Holy Land.
One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour
over 35 years) screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel
for a snake.
One pensive creeture murmured “How bewitching!”
and another sed “How egstatick!” but one
coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the thing
by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear,
“What a — l ov a snake!” but the snake took no
notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed himself out
ov sight.
Adew.
