48. XLVIII.
JOSH CORRESPONDS.
Percy.—Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day,
and have a mountaineer dive in from some cord
wood station, and, taking a seat next in front ov yu,
rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver out?
(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes,
or no.)
Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to
pitch the red-necked and tobacco-chawing curse out
ov the windo?
(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)
But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must
hav sum more north wind.
If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators
up in a 10-acre lot, and put the bars up tight,
he would rave around till he tore down a pannel ov
the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.
When a half civilized humin critter wants enny
thing, he wants it just az bad az a bear duz, and
generally takes it in the same way.
Bulwer.—Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph
iz verry kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew
yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite hour, or when
yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the
road, or the down hill ov life, or by the good old
Moses, that the nerves waz the telegraff wires ov the
humin boddy?
If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun
haz either bin tew mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin
kept in a back lot, ware thare want mutch going on.
I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time
from the 2 main offices, one ov which iz lokated in
the hed, and the other of which iz in the stummuk.
The stummuk inquires, “When dinner will be
reddy?” and iz told bi the branch offiss, at the noze,
“in 20 minnitts.”
The bigg toe learns from the operator at the
stummuk offiss that “mock turtles and terrapins iz
cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be expekted
in a fu daze.”
The head inquires ov the noze, “What yu blowing
about?”
Answer, “Wet feet.”
The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, “What
they shall do to stop running?”
Stummuk growls back, “Dam yure ize!”
Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an
arthquake; telegraffs awl over the boddy for an
explanation; gits the following dispatch, after a
while, from one of the lower offices: “Been down
hard on the ice.”
Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold
“that we are truly and wonderfully made.”
Lager.—Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov.
Lager Beer iz not intoxikating. A man bi the
name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a saloon,
told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells
in him at that time, and waz aktually suffering for a
drouth. I think he iz a man who kan be depended
upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he
sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul
kivvered with wrinkles. He sed it had a nu wrinkle
each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on what
prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he
couldn't tell me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones
bilt for menny years, on account of the grate demand
for hosses on the canal.
Augustus.—Art haz improved natur, but whether
sivilizashun haz improved moruls az mutch, I
woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry lucksuriant,
and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a
punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow
without punkins tew, but art kurbs the extravagunce,
and makes the vines “sum punkins.” Moruls
ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop,
if it wan't for sivilization; but like other things
that are forced, they are made tu yeald so mutch,
that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and
don't bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld
haz got enny sivilizashun tew spare, but i dew think
she haz got more than she kan manige well. I beleave
in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see
even bares and woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but
if sivilizashun only makes their hare softer, and only
makes them growl less lowder, but makes their teeth
sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the
heethen bare, for a steddy playmait, full az well az i
dew the Christian bare.
