58. LVIII.
AMERIKANS.
Amerikans love caustick things; they would
prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew
drink either.
So with their relish of humor; they must hav it
on the half-shell with cayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in
mint sauce, and he iz willin tew wait till next day
before he tastes it.
If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got
tew do it quick.
An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew
make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and hawhaws
on a canter.
I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans
more humor.
We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our
humor and git the wit out ov it.
The English are better punsters, but i konsider
punning a sort ov literary prostitushun in which
futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the plezzure ov
the moment.
Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that
writes expeckts tew be wize or witty—so duz evrybody
expect tew be saved when they die; but
thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter
will be in the majority, just az the sheep are
here.
Don't forget one thing, yu hav got tew be wize
before yu kan be witty; and don't forget two things,
a single paragraff haz made sum men immortal,
while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew
others—but what would Amerikans dew if it want
for their sensashuns?
Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for
us az a people, and it don't make mutch matter what
it iz—a huge defalkashun—a red elephant—or Jersee
clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing
better offers.
Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and
sum ov them fret about it, and spred their feathers
in distress for us, az a fond and foolish old hen, who
haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will stand
on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in
agony to see her brood pitch in and take a sail.
She kant understand it, but the Ducks know awl
about it.
N. B.—Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know
all about it.
N. B.—Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes
no difference who hatches out an Amerikan, the fust
thing he will do, iz to pitch into sumthin.
N. B.—No more bets at present.
