6. VI.
JOSH BILLINGS:
HIZ SHADE TREE.
Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so
hansum az i am now, i waz a feller citizen in one ov
the sudden towns, which during the past 25 years,
hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in
the western country. At that time I waz verry ritch
and owned a house, and lot. At one corner, on mi
lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az awkward az a
shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and
its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a
nort-west storm. I had sum pride in them days, and
longed to put that shade tree out ov misery.
The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a
mingling ov the silver popular, which haz sich
uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I
would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp
enuff; but altho i havlived on the edge ov the wilderness
for more than half ov mi life, i never yet
saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder
crept out ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton
cruelty.
But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and
that waz, the tree had got tew be trimmed. I had
four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same
side ov the street that I did, and the other two
didn't.
They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny
soothsaying done, i went tu them.
I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz
always willing tew give advice.
Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity
offered, how the tree should be clipped.
The first one suggested to leave the lower branches
intact, and take oph the head ov the tree, and then
it would soon form a cone, compact and graceful,
like an umbreller on duty.
This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan.
The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively
must cum off.
The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz
right; and the fourth one never saw a tree ov that
kind trimmed but one way, which he suggested in
sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a
pashunt in the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew
take enny thing.
After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss
ov the kase, i went tew work like a humbel
christshun tew carry the whole ov them out.
I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the
Lord watch over mi poor shade tree!) was nothing
but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too crooked to
fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even
for a hitching post.
1st Moral—Advice iz good only az corroborating
testimony.
2nd Moral—If yu put yureself into the hands ov
yure frends, yu must expekt that the kindness ov
their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the willfullness
ov their judgments.
3rd Moral.—Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz
often advisabel tew receive them without taking them.
4th Moral—One man kan alwus milk a cow
better than 4 kan.
