8. VIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting.
He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't
expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he
iz mad bekauze he haz.
Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they
are about the only folks who ever see enny. A
jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he
iz mizerable.
Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea
sickness—dreadful sick, and kan't vomit.
The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and
pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He
hain't got any more karakter than the jack ov spades
haz, when it ain't trumps.
He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.
He rides on the box, once in a while, with the
driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz
stage fare.
He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the
desert ov Sarah.
He sprung from a respektable family; his great
grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has
not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.
He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a
bull's eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him
up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.
The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon
folks. He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte
in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.
He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a
barn-yard.
He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew
the muzzell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize
like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.
I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry
man.
This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter.
They seem tew know they ain't entitled tu a good
artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.
Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they
acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on
what they acktually feel.
Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so.
Thare ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this
country.
The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz
got sum Indian in him.
Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dreadful eazy,
and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks
ain't apt tew git a big skare at what they ain't afraid
ov.
Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew
Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the
whole family that hav been able tew git limber
sinse.
The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz
setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always
puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late
Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning
for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters
the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and
asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's tail,
is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon;
reads the Phunny Phellow, and laffs bekause
he kan't help it; hooks up hiz wife's dress,
and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles
with the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands
and cums back in seazon; attends every boddy's
phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes;
thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want
him to; follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own;
praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it;
leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a
while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making
enny further trubble.
The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz
virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the
world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.
He may be called a “clever feller,” and that iz
only a libel; but he will git hiz reward herafter—
when the birds get theirs.
