75. LXXV.
CUPID ON A RAID.
It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman-killer
the god Cupid iz for one ov hiz heft.
He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a
four-year old fat boy baby, with a pair of wings
about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz armed
with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer
tew kill bumbelbees at four paces.
This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz
wooden shuteing irons than aul the powder and shot
that ever haz been built can brag ov.
I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes
from under cover, at both long and short range, and
never iz seen himself.
He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few
ov them dipped in genuine love, and feathered with
good sense, but most ov them would seem too trifling
tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own eyes,
noticed him at work with them, both at male and female
game, both sitting and flieing, and seen the
many ded shots he haz made.
I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons
tew watch hiz manoovers, whare I have happened
tew be, and the following reckord iz a faithful history
of this little chap's bloody bizz:
☞ Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about
190 pounds, and a good eater, at work by the month
for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz death
wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker,
Brown's hired girl, as the said Tucker waz learning
tew jump the rope down in the garden.
☞ Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S.
Freelove, Esq., who could play big on the pianner,
and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot thru
and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that
Frank Fever sent her.
☞ John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spitcurl
that waz dangling on Angeline Brown's forehead.
☞ Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died
suddenly bi gitting in range ov one ov Roxy
Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the counter.
☞ Sally Munson disseased without a struggle.
Cause—Dick Fenton's No. 7 patent leather boots,
and Californy soltaire.
☞ Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed
this life at a district school-house while sharpening
little Libby Sherman's slate pensil.
☞ Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoopskirt,
got better, then was struck plumb dead by a
false calf, in the Bowery.
☞ Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years
a consistent bachelor, lived only an hour, in grate
agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at Widow
Stebbins's.
☞ Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's,
waz give up for ded, the arrow passing direktly thru
hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, but recovered
instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only
worth 75 thousand.
☞ Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black
balmoral with an orange stripe in it.
☞ Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot
at a hundred times, and always mist, waz finally
fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate act, reading
the 146th hymn, common meter.
☞ Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in
hand, by a pucker in the eye ov Hanner Hemstich's
cambric needle.
☞ Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death
by a squeeze from the hand of Fitzherbert Augustus
Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver. This
squeeze took place last Friday.
☞ Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger,
on the 15th ov last August, by four shots at once,
from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her cuzzin Tildy.
☞ Spencer Richards was wanton!y murdered
by a chance shot, in a crowd, from an opera glass.
