51. LI.
MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER.
MILK.
I want tew say sumthing, (“in petto.”)
I want tew say sumthing, (“entre nous,”) in reference
to milk az a ferterlizer.
Milk is spontaneous, (“semper paratus,”) and haz
did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin
folks, (“en passant”) than enny other liquid.
Milk iz lakteal, (“bizarre;”) it iz also aquatick,
while under the patronage ov milk venders, (“errare
humanum est.”)
Milk iz also misterious, (“Le mot d'énigme,”) cokernut
milk haz never bin solved yet.
Milk iz also another name for humin kindness,
(“comme il faut.”)
Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.
So iz milk and rum (“Bonne bouche”) mellow tew
contend with in a hot day, (“multum in parvo,”) (“id
est,” “multum” rum, “in parvo” milk.)
Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long,
(“
statu quo,”) a skum arizes tew the surface, (“
passim,”)
which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys,
but it dus not foller, (“
non sequitur,”) that the milk
iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit
the kuntry, (“
magnus Apollo.”)
Cream iz the parent (“pater familias”) ov butter,
and butter iz 45 cents a pound, (“ora pro nobis.”)
The most common milk in use, without doubt,
(“sans doute”) iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi
skinning the milk, (“inter nos,”) this iz considered
sharp praktiss, (“coup de main.”)
Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks,
sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that
wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk,
(“lusus naturœ.”)
I forgot tew state in conclusion, (“ultima Thule,”)
that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents
per quart, (“Quod avertat Deus.”)
WHISKEE.
Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.
It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.
Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz
at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.
Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in
the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the
poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze
houses would aktually hav tew shut up.
They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a
gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted
with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee
will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't
know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family,
but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a
barrell ov whiskee than a cow—still i hain't never
figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.
A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the
western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are
raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say
nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He
sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better
judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that
you might easily phool them with poor water, but
you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made
whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't
even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it
in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he
made this last statement.)
In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only
tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the
neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the
devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months,
tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do,
would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov
the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.
But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't
think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox
kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in
the same way, and only in the same way, and that
iz by constant vaccination. * * * *
BEER.
I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager
beer iz not intoxikatin.
I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had
drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment,
and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the
morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen
glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german,
and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper
enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer
saloon, and could have no object in stating what
want strictly thus.
I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability.
I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life,
and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung
on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was
owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess
that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did
when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i
was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i
shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had
ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface,
and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph
mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum
thundering up too.
Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i
kan taste it now.
I never had so much experience, in so short a
time.
If enny man should tell me that lager beer was
not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he
should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that
my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask
him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man
felt and akted when he was well set up.
If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste
natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.
In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare
i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2
hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each
one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny
hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull,
and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the
room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me,
[ILLUSTRATION]
Josh Billings is satisfied that lager beer as a drink is not intoxicating; but having
indulged rather freely one day, he finds it difficult, when he sits down, "to cahtch the
chair as it comes round."—See page 169.
[Description: 675EAF. Illustration page. Image of a man who has fallen on the floir next to his chair. The man looks very surprized.
There are a number of ghostly chairs and cups floating around above his head.]
and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite
long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it
was going round, and i sett down a little too soon,
and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and
couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one
when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was
az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew
spit up things freely.
If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty
mean, that i kno.
Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for
i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man
living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want
plumb.
I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless
tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more
it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi
mouth pried open.
I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i
remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass
with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds
that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.
