25. XXV.
ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE.
Monday.—Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and
sassagis are the 2 luxuries ov life; the other luxury
iz eazy boots. Answered several letters ov grate
moment.
Tuesday.—Awoke with a splendid headache,
cauzed by drinking tew much spring water the
evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock
precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige;
felt like a dogg. Sett down in my little chamber for
reflekshun, and reflekted as follers:
Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in
Saint Lewis, once say “that the steambote Perary
Flower drew less water than any bote an the Missouri.”
I asked him, “how little she could draw?”
After changing sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he
calmly said, “About 2 barrels.” I reflekted what a
phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.
Wednesday.—Rekolekted ov asking a man in
Minnysota, if beans waz a sure krop in hiz parts.
He sed “they waz az certain az a revolver.” Reflekted
upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.
Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire,
during a severe sno storm, and innocently enuff remarked,
“that i never see ennything like it,” and waz
told by one ov the bar-room boarders, “that it want
nothing, that he had seen it fall over a thousand
feet.” “What,” sed i, “a thousand feet on the level?”
“No,” said he, “but a thousand feet from on high.”
I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie,
and tell the truth at the same time.
Thursday.—Rekolekted once more ov being on
the Red River, in Arkansaw, and seeing a large
piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; enquired
ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind
mule by one ov hiz ears, “what the frame-work
mought be?” He sed, “it was a blind fiddle, and it
took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and
they had tew haw and gee tew change the tune.”
Reflekted on that passidge in the poeck, which sez
“man is fearfully and wonderfully made;” and
thought the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw,
without spileing the remark.
Friday.—Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her
up, for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov
mi drawers.
[ILLUSTRATION]
Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with is washerwoman for sewing tucks onto the
bottom of his drawers, is told that the clothes have only been mixed.—See page 98.
[Description: 675EAF. Illustration page. Image of a man holding a pair of knee-length underpants talking to an African-American woman in an apron and head-scarf.]
She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the
mystery by saying, “she had sent me a pair, by mistake,
that belonged to * * * *;” I blushed like a
biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful
about such things; i might hav bin ruined for
life.
Saturday.—Wrote this diaree for the week, from
memory, and am satisfied i hav got a good memory.
Reflekted upon the vanity ov human wishes, reflekted
how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum
mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the
futur, not tew wish for ennything until i had it 3
weeks, and see how i liked it.
Saturday Night, haf past 10.—Dispensed with
a new born critick who had tried hard tew be severe on
my Book ov Sayings, thusly:—Dear Sir, I have red
yure kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't
cum haf way up tew mi expectations. Yu seem
tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull
critick, that is a grate willingness tew damn, but yu
lack entirely another ingredient which is awl important:
yu don't know how tew bild a dam. Upon
the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a
poor damn critick. Yure Lover,
Josh Billings.
