59. LIX.
JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE
OF CORRESPONDENTS.
Iowa.—Don't press the matter tew mutch. The
only way to heal a gal ov the “wonts,” is tew git
her wonted, and then stampede things briskly.
Sharpley.—The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots
is small feet.
Wisconsin.—Yu ask me “how fur the Hudson
River runs up?” i hasten tew state that the Hudson
River don't run up at all.
Jerry.—Yu are sound on this espeshall goose,
when yu say “that yu have diskovered poker tew
be an unsertin game;” but, Jerry, let me tell yu
how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus
beat 4 aces and a king; it will dew it in any
kind ov a game.
Albany.—i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance
rate is; perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell
yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his polisy having
about run out.
Ezra.—Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold
a bull bi the tail; and yet Ezra, mi dear unknown
frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a holt
on evrything.
Mike.—It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be
good, should be very long or very loud. i hav
used one like this fur the last 4 years, and it suits
me: “O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next,
and mi pocket-book last.”
Mason.—“Man wants but little here belo” may
hav bin true when it wos fust ritten, but ever since
the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws on.
Byron.—I read yure poem carefully. it won't
anser. it is tew mutch longer than it is wide.
Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very apt
tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy,
sumtime during their lives, has the poetry ailment,
jist as they hav the teeth cut, but one teeth cutting
satisfies evryboddy but the phools.
Dunkirk.—Yu tell me “that yu hav konkluded
tew lead an arkadian life;” the arkadians are a
clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived with
them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the
habit ov dipping their bread into the pork grease,
tew save butter, and then i quit the arkadians.
Abigall.—Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the
present stile is about the size ov a kold bukwheat
kake; feathers are not so much worn this spring,
on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters
in the kuntry.
Lizzy.—The gentleman yu inquire about is a
bachelor in full communion bi profession; his habits
fur honesta is good; he pays cash for his whiskey
and billyards.
Farmer.—i kant tell yu how much oats it is
best tew plant on an aker, but i think, at a ruff
guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate plenty.
i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if
mi memory serves me right, (and i never caught
her in a lie,) rye must be a good krop tew raise, for
old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a gallond.
Pelham.—No notice will be took, (from this date
hereafterwards) ov letters that hain't got a postage-stamp
onto them.
Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript,
and don't write mutch onto that.
Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it
yureself, after it gits dry.
We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew
one dollar for contribushuns, ackording tew heft.
Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the
next ensuing year.
Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.
The highest market price paid for awful railrode
smashes, and elopements with another man's wife.
No swareing aloud in our paper.
Yure article on “frogs” is received.
It made me laff like lightning.
