46. XLVI.
SUM ADVISE.
Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and
altho it may seem dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless
yu will be liable tew make sum mistakes
while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.
Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till
yu git tew trotting stiddy.
Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung
gentlemen who show sum sighns ov speed, and also
that i reazon right from the shoulder.
1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure
equals; smile when they exhort, and laff when they
intreat, for no yung man kan hope for suckcess in
ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt
at home.
2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at
once and begin agin; for it iz better tew die than
tew suffer disgrace.
3. Cultivate impudense—impudense iz a good
substitute for bravery—only be a littel kerful tew
pick yure customers when yu tri it on.
4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze
animals will let yu into the konfidense ov men who
will watch over yure morals and nuss yure genius.
5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set
ov cowardly croakers, who, like a third-rate dorg,
hav larnt what little they kno about virtew bi simply
being overmatched in a fair fight.
6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu
an eazy flow ov ambiguous language while in the
sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew awake confusion,
which yu kan kall sumthing else.
7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for
ducats—marrying for blud or for luv iz too sloppy
for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low pashun, and iz
designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back
streets; not for a brown stun front.
8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke
freely, and don't ever mistake rain water for milk
punch, unless yu want a soft thing.
9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch
flatts with; say that virtew iz only the galvanized
impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz but an egg
that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum,
and sware that Backus and Venus are the only two
gods fit tew be worshiped.
Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add
tew them what the ardor of yure genius may inspire,
and if the hoss jockeys and pimps generally don't say
you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the devil
don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov
chivalry are positively over, and pudding and milk
haz got more glory into it than a brandy smash, a
rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.
Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let
theze cheerful remarks settle down into you when
yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy nite.
Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew
jump 65 feet at one jump, and land among the Berhoys
at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and see
if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.
But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then
put on aul the steam yu kan carry, and either bust
or git thare az soon az possibel.
P. S.—When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov
it, just drop me a line, and i will see what kan be did
for yu. But don't forgit one thing—that the road
back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill
besides.
