62. LXII.
JOSH TALKS.
“Paul.”—Yu ask me what i think ov the “Gift
Distributing bizziness,” and i don't hesitate tew say,
that it has awl the premonitory simptums ov a dead
beat.
I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew
giv me ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies; i may think
he means to do it, but he don't think so; but i may
possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once
and if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i
will the next time.
I never put enny money into these swindles, and
would as soon undertake tew raize a good sized
greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the hog
pen.
If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble,
or die, go 25 cents, odd or even, on the number
ov hairs in a kat's back, and count them; this will cool
yu oph.
“Peter.”—I kant simpathize with yu, for i never
was in love miself, and don't kno what iz best tew
grease it with.
Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't
help yu.
If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile,
and eat sum green persimmons; if that don't make
yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, and lift up
things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.
If yu find you don't git enny better, take another
dose ov sea-sickness.
If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got
the real old yeller love, and no mistake.
Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz
the ile ov wedlock; but this iz very powerful, and
wants tew be took with grate caution.
I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts
for life.
“Brahma Pootra.”—Speaking ov hens, leads me
tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are
a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff
in their yunger daze; but the hen ain't tew blame
for this.
Biled hen is universally respekted.
Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen—
exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so
mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with
him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes
which and tuther.
I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or
the egg; sumtimes i think the egg was—and sumtimes
i think the hen was—and sumtimes i think i
don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right,
for the life of me.
Laying eggs is the hen's best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs—is laid out.
One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen.
i hav heard ov their doing better, but i don't want a
hen ov mine tew do it—it is apt tew hurt their
constitution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer
worth.
The poet sez, beautifully:
“Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they'd let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she'd lay 3.”
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet
75 thousand dollars that it never took place.
This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November
next, at halff past twelve o'clock.
“Student.”—Rats originally cum from Norway,
and i wish they had originally staid thare.
They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the
small ov the back.
They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is,
as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese,
and knawing pie, is concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever i
saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap;
yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever
they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole
moral naturs.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and—who
don't.
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of
rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,)
and i don't serpose thare is a single necessary rat in
the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny
waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers,
faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair
ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew
start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without
enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,—tew
turn oph.
Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are
unspeakably cussid, and i would be willing tew
make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in
the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for in
stance either the life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson,
in one vollum calf bound, or a receipt tew
kure the blind staggers.
