16. XVI.
JOSH BILLINGS “RIZES.”
Gentlemen and Mister Chairman:—
I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in
mi life, tew address an impromptew assemblage.
What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter it; i kant
sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny
more than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton.
We have met here just fur fun; and i beleaf that aul
things, including truth, hav a fun redikilous side tew
them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with consumate
skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction,
virtue should resort tew the same means. I beleaf
in sugar-coated pills, and i beleaf that virtue and
wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good
natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed
into it with a wormwood mallet and chisel.
We hav met tew celebrate the birth-day ov a Sunday
newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing nicely.
Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers;
they seem tew think that the Sabbath waz
made only fur the acts ov sectarian worship, but i be
[ILLUSTRATION]
Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about “virtew and wisdom,” before
a literary association of the citizens of a neighboring town.—See page 60.
[Description: 675EAF. Illustration page. Image of a man stainding at a makeshift podium construced of a plank of wood set across two upright planks.]
leaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, but
only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,—I should
az soon think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,—when
a people devote aul their time tew religion,
superstition and bigotry are sure tew prevale.
Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff;
birds and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would
like tew. Mules smile with their heels.
Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few,
and the man who kan invent a generous and healthy
sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens with, iz a
Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid
dinner, but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.
“Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh
rest,”—thare iz no laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper
does aul its work on Saturday.
I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals;
and a birth, even if it aint ennything more
than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus another
suckcess.
Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it
ought alwus tew be cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that
when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the first ones that will
rise, will ware a smile on their faces.
Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun
ov the thing waz, he went oph and hung hisself.
He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that
wont laff iz tew be feared.
I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i
will bet 10 dollars that i won't never run the risk ov
doing it agin. Adew.
