19. XIX.
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she
makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean
price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting
sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the
rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a
baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers;
its flavor is like the nektar which an oldfashioned
goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov
her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable,
but not a mean one in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose,
without enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall grass,
when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy,
without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug
occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment.
Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like
sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches
are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers
into yure lips. Watermelons will suit ennyboddy
who iz satisfied with half-sweetened drink; but the
man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with
crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream
(at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz hand
on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys
and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for
the strawberrys, iz a man with a worn-out conscience
—a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the
ground, that don't care what goes down it.
Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate
way over the ocean, about 80 feet from the ground
—on the top ov a tree.
They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that
naborhood, who throw them at the natives, in exchange
for the stones that the natives heave at the
monkeys.
They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good
deal ov skull tew them.
A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an
old ten pin ball, only a little more round one way
than tuther.
On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast
asleep. The kokernut iz opened bi breaking the
skull and this brings them tew their milk.
The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained
yet, and the reazon iz, becauze noboddy has ever
asked me tew do it.
Whenever the philosophers “giv it up,” i shall
reply tew the konundrum.
Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a
level with the french raw turnip, and iz az hard tew
digest az one ov Secretary Seward's letters ov State.
Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a
grate deal better when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts
iz only good for children and young greyhounds
tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg
grater.
The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz
its skull; they kan be cut into 2, and made into
drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do look
kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov
a meadow spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself,
without thinking that if they hadn't been cut in
2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild a
young darkey to.
But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and
probably it couldn't be did enny how.
It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks
begun tew hanker after the Tomater. About that
time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov theze
vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff
in them.
Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they
begun tew be verry sweet on the tomater.
At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in
sly places, whare they want afraid, over behind
stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and old
injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them
grow in gardins enny more than they would a kanaday
thissell.
They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods
hogg wouldn't eat one ov the berrys that grew on
them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red
stocking yarn.
But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in
them, and they were putt tu nuss, in pots, and vases,
and lived on the phatt ov the land, in hott houses,
along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon.
It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance
and sea sickness, tew git the tomater to go
quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more
smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually
got to be more honorabel than a bukwheat
slapjack, or even a punkin pie.
This shows what love and affekshun will do.
I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane
would say profeshionally, that wasps nests waz good
to make a mustash grow black, half the men in the
kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest
bizzness.
I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny
more helthy than red clover will, but i am just like
evry body else, i wanted tew git sum better than i
waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got
learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt
and pepper, and soaked well in good sider vinegar.
I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in
the gardin, and eat them right down alive; i would
az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov putty.
But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary,
and i am the last man to injure their reputashun,
for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz just az
mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man.
There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that
nobody will undertake tew make kastor ile one ov
the luxurys until after i am dead, for kastor ile and
bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't
hav, if they git to be ever so fashinable.
