University of Virginia Library

PREFIS,
OR
INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER.

THERE is a vacancy in the mind uv the public
for jist sich a book ez this, else it had never bin
published. There is a vacancy in my pockit for the
money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never
slung together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich
I hev from time to time flung out thro the public
press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful public
and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy.

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for
amoozement. There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in
Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the standard-bearers,
the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the
leaders uv the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv
it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we
hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez

well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When
that gileless patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private
life, regretted by all who held office under him,
Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period uv
darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin
made for their rites, rendered the position uv us
Northern Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We
coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin
that peace must come, and that when it did come we
wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look to them for
support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep on
their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but
alars! there are laws agin treason, and two-thirds
uv the misguided people north hed got into a way
uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed
that crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped
the line that divides loyalty from treason by so much
ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer
the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but
wich, owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat 's more,
can't. Halleloogy!

But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service
I detested — twict I wuz torn from the buzzum
uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well enough,
even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally
git obstinit, and refooze to give me sich washin

money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin to
squander it upon bread and clothes for the children,
— twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict
I wuz forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south,
rather than fite agin em. When finally the thumb
uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, owin to
my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun,
wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle
thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty
and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only
steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis.
I coodent let Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins — the
ridin upon rails — the takin uv the oath — but why
shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it
all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled
to kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the
extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty forbids
me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a
Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv laffin soljers
compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv raw,
undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv
the camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the
brane and the water inflamashen uv the stumick,
and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former
self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw in a glass
the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage
a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc,
and I hev kept my oath.

I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively
than any man sence the time uv Paul. First I
established a church uv Democrats in a little oasis I
diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at
Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four groceries,
but nary church or skool-house within four miles,
and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic,
the grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all
the land around em — but alars! I wuz forced to
leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo
Gersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched,
to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is
in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There
I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but
Ablishnism pursood me thither, and in the fall uv
'65 that state got ornery and cussid, and went
Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz
forced to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky,
where, at Confedrit × Roads, I feel that I
am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us
here. The aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech,
but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that
they may not be led astray. They bleeve they 'r
rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their

minds, whenever they git into argument with anybody,
ef the individooal gits the better uv them, they
to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits
can't disturb us here; the populashen is
unanimously Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo
so.

Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a
eventful life. Here in the enjoyment uv that end uv
the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four
well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and
a distillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter
uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the
ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within site uv
my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a
Democratic nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off,
and say ha! ha! to, uv a half dozen niggers wich
wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I
want? I feel that I am more than repaid for all my
suffrins, and that I shel sale smoothly down the
stream uv time, unvexed and happy.

It is proper to state that the papers uv which this
volume is composed wuz written at various times
and under various circumstances. They reflect the
mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in
his history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy
from week to week. Consekently they shift from

grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alacrity,
the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto
the top wave uv success, and at other times bein
down in the trough uv despondency and despair.

I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record
uv a year uv hopes and fears, uv exaltation and
depression, it may possess interest or may not —
'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may
be its fate, one thing I am certin uv, to wit: I am a
reglerly commissioned P. M.; and while the approval
of the public mite lighten the toils uv offishl
life and sweeten the whisky wich the salary
purchases, the frowns uv the said public can't redoose
me to the walks uv private life. They can't
frown me out uv offis, nor frown P. M. General
Randall's name off my commishn.