University of Virginia Library

37. XXXVII.
The October Elections. — Mr. Nasby's Opinion on
the Cause of the Defeat of the President.

I WUZ called in haste to Washington to be present
at a Cabinet meetin called to consider the
causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the Nashnel
Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various
States wich held elections on the 9th uv October
last. There wuz Seward, Wells, McCulloch, and
Randall present; but we missed Raymond and
Beecher, they hevin, I understand, played off onto
us.

The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated
the defeat. He spected that, hevin showd hisself
through all the Northern States, ther ought to hev
ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em
without trouble. The fault, he remarked, coodent
be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so grand, so

sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible
to him why the people hedn't at once adopted it.
“Why, look at it,” sed he. “I offer the people uv
the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin
nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble
which they found theirselves into, and rushin into
the arms uv their Southern brethren, and takin uv
em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood
they be so blind ez to refoose these olive branches?”

Randall replied that he coodent understand it;
but he hed summoned a Postmaster to attend, wich
he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorance that he
cood carry enough Republicans over to our new
party to defeat the Union member in that District,
wich he notist by the papers wuz elected by a larger
majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in
waitin.

“Bring in the wretch!” shouted the President;
and the guard brung him in. A mizable lookin
objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv
the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees,
and lifted up his hands implorinly, without sayin a
word.

“Speak!” sed the President. “Why the result
in yoor Deestrict?”

“My liege,” replied the wretched man, “I know

not. Faithfully I labored; but the people wood
come into the house holdin their noses, and set a
holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't
conducive to displays of oratory. The papers wood
publish my own utterances six months before, wich
confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would
read at me yoor speeches, wich I coodent akkount
for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a dozen votes;
but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under
me, and I hed hard work to git em from the Union
party, and they wuz sich ez did us more harm than
good. And besides —”

“Enuff!” sed Johnson. “Remove him.”

And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.

Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It
come uv takin Grant and Farrygut along on the excursion.
It distracted the attention uv the people.
Hed there bin nobody but the President and the
Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin nobody to
hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wich the President
kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people
more than they did.

Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev
bin all right cood it hev bin postponed ninety days;
while McCullock attribooted it to the limited knowledge
the masses hed uv Injeany bankin.

I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did.

“My lords,” sed I, “none uv you hev got the ijee.
We wuz beet because we left the landmarks — that's
wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat hed
we to go into this canvass with? Democrisy? Not
any; for that wuz squelched at Philadelphia. Wat
then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the abstract, is
good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I
coodent be indoost to part with on no account; but
yoo can't run a party on em, because there ain't
enough uv em.

“My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia
Convention I tarried a while in Berks county, which
is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished for the
unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My
liege, they learned down there mor'n six weeks ago
that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo coodent
stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to,
and that didn't move em; and so the speaker wuz
emptyin school-houses by talkin uv the results uv a
glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our
mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as
a Ablishnist, and hedn't heerd yet that he had jined
the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that we went
under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that
we strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the

Nigger not made the central figger this year, ez
before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its
refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks
county myself, following one of them new-fangled
Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin stuff
to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the
rostrum, I ejaculated, —

“`Men and Brethren, do yoo want to
marry a Nigger?'

“`No! no!' they answered, straightenin up to-wunst.

“`Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?'

“`No! no!'

“`Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin
niggers?'

“`Yes! yes!'

“`Do you want to be marched up to the polls by
those who tell you how to vote, beside a nigger?'

“`No! no!'

“`Then vote the Demekratic ticket.' And they
all replied, —

“`We will! we will!' and they did. You see,
your Exslency, the Demekratic mind isn't hefty
enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez to
constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals
in em, they suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv

him. But nigger they kin all understand. It's
soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally
told that there is somebody lower down in the skale.
They desire a inferior race, and therefore hev bin
pullin the nigger down toward em for years. Did
yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we
succeeded in awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when
we neglected him, or selected other issues, we failed
to get?

“It's based upon philosophical trooths. The
poorer and meaner a man is, the more anxious he is
to hev it understood that there's somebody still
poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis,
that them individooals who see a 5 cent peese so
seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the
flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,
— who, ef niggers wuz sellin at a cent a peese,
coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail uv one, —
is the most ardent friends of Slavery.

“That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz
not to blame for the result in his Deestrick. He
tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do? The
Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and
laffed at him. The Democrisy, sich ez voted, we'd
hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor do

nothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the
offises themselves, and wuz disgusted accordinly.

“My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin
with a new party; for yoo kin only git the Dimocrisy
to jine it, and they won't do it onless the offises
is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only
one issue, and that's the nigger; for it's all they kin
understand. So long ez the nigger exists, Dimocrisy
endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the
party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together;
one wuz created for tother, and tother for one.
When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens uv
Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because
Noah got intoxicated. His misfortune originated
with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern substitoot
therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy,
hez bin persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the
decline uv the Dimocrisy to the bleachin out uv the
Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen.
Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo
kin a full-blood; and it will be observed that the intensity
uv Demokricy has decreased precisely in
proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus
Demokrisy is committin suicide; it hez bin the
means uv its own destruction.

“I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin.

The Congressmen elected this fall continyoo in offis,
my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo do, to a
day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo
York may change in our favor, but I think not.
The break commenst in Maine, and it increased as
it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists
laughs in glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories.
We shel hold our places two years, and then farewell
to our greatness.

“I pity yoo, my lord; but I can't help yoo. Ez
for myself, I kin save enuff out uv my Post Offis to
start a small grocery at the expiration uv my term,
and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin
I'll flote down the stream uv Time, until Death
closes the polls, and ends the struggle. I hev sed.”

The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all
too much affected to say anything. Seward murmered
suthin about it would be all right in sixty
days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz
happy; but no one paid any attention to him. I
went home, leavin em all in tears.