University of Virginia Library

16. XVI.
A Dream. — The Corpse of Republicanism. —
Who the Mourners were, and how they felt. —
The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the
Scattering that followed.

I HEV bin to Washinton. That Ablishn Postmaster
at the Corners hed become to me a nitemare.
Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment
money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his
drinks reglerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat,
a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz
forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz
treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum in,
which gave me a chance to establish a credit for a
short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and
therefore I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convickshins,
holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich,

I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who
is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon
hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the
afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table,
eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

“Well,” sed he.

“Honerd and spected sir,” said I, “I am a applicant
for the post orfis at Confedrit × Roads, wich
is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not beleeve
in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly.
Spected and honered sir,” sed I, “ef I shood have
twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both
Policy.”

“Wich State are yoo from?” sed he, half asleep.

“From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,”
sed I.

“Well,” sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a
clerk, “Fill out a pardon, and give him a commission!”

“Honered and spected sir,” sed I, in a fit of loonacy
for wich I can't account, “I don't need a pardon.
I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit
servis.”

“What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin
a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter!” and I wuz
too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I

didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around
the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince
him I did ez much for the Confederasy ez my humble
abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin
ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead
broke, not heving the wherewith to prokoor more
sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun
steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room
in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv
the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in
size and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence,
and fair to look upon. Onto its head was a liberty
cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably
dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

“Wat is these?” sed I, pointin to the corpse,
askin a sort uv a attendant.

“Them,” replied he, “is the defunct carcass uv
Republikinism. He was a hefty yooth in his day,
but he died this mornin. Look! the mourners are
a comin to divide his clothes.”

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz
the second Jaxon, which the Ablishnists derisively
call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and clost
behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye,

and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed
a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes,
but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and
Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard,
and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and
Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv
others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

“He wuz a promisin yooth,” sed Seward, a puttin
his handkercher to his eyes, “but the atmosphere
uv the White House wuz too much for him. I
insist, however,” sed he, a pocketin the handkercher,
and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in
his hand, labelled “Presidency, 1868,” from which
hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, “that ez
'twas me that pizened him, this is mine.”

“Nary,” sed Johnson; “I did the biziness for
him, and it's mine.”

“Settle it ez yoo please,” sed Raymond, gently,
“but whoever gits it must remember that this Secretaryship
is mine.”

“And I,” sed Doolittle, “must hev, for my assistance,
this little affair marked `St. James,' for my
seat in the Senit is a goner.”

“For my part,” sed Jim Lane, “the western appointments
is mine. Its worth em all to wear this
collar.”

“My friends,” sed Stephens, “I find no amnesty
about the corpse. There must be one manufactured
and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the
funeral.”

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a
sardonic smile, knowin perfeckly well that whoever
took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd control it,
any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship,
and Boregard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to
Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted this,
and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hubbub
over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in,
and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new
deal, “for,” sed he, “ef't hadn't bin for me, where'd
yoo all hev bin? Talk uv the White House atmosphere
killin him! I'm sure the shadder uv the
buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed,” sed
he, a turnin to Seward, “but ef Linkin hed lived, ha,
ha!” sed he, in a tragedy voise. Then in trooped a
lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio,
and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems
Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and
Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to
make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their
fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first
time in his life, and desisted.

Finally Johnson swore “by the eternal” (he got
that noshun from the first A. J., wich he thinks he
resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the
original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the
Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched
at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to
see it out, for it made but little difference to them
wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to
ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv
the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv
north wind poured into the room through the aperture,
and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The
effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins,
his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to
the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive;
the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him,
shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like insex.
Noticin the trinket wich hed caused the skrimage in
Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and
twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through
the winder. “I ain't made up my mind who to
give this to, but yoo bet it ain't yoo,” sed he.

“Willyum,” sed he, turnin to Seward, “I'm surprised
at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor
honesty and yoor principle? Go, Willyum! Ez
for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked; yoo,

Thurlow, put Raymond in your vest pocket, and
quit the presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the
tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out
the balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends.
I've bin pizened, and smothered, and stunk nigh to
death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and
sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it.
Shut down them Southern windows, and open those
on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff
uv fresh air, for I —”

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in
the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and
shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn't
get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind
wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic,
or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen
loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook,
without any restraint. Is the giant Republican
actually dead, or is he in a trance? Will it arise,
and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves administrators
uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to
divide the assets, or will he stay ded? Wood, oh
wood, that I knowed!