University of Virginia Library

3. III.
A Remarkable Dream. — A Country settled
exclusively by Democrats.

LAST nite I was the victim uv another dream.
Ef I don't quit this explorin the realms of the
fucher in my sleep, I shall become a second Saint
John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will
be uv a remarkably startlin character.

Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power
we diskivered they possest, after the late elecshuns,
and had gone the whole figger. They had forced
the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers
to testify, and in the Northern states had given em
the elective franchise. Uv course the edecated and
refined democrasy wood never consent to be carried
up to the polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no
Democratic offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to
treatin a nigger afore a election, it bein a article uv
faith with us never to drink with a nigger, onless he
pays for it.

Therefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to
submit, the heft uv the Democrasy determined to
emigrate in a body to some land where the Anglo-Sackson
cood rool, — where there was no mixter of
the disgustin African. Mexico wuz the country
chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid
column, marched there. Our departure was a ovation.
The peeple on our route wuz all dressed in
white, ez a token uv joy, and from every house hung
banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez, —

“Now is our hen-roosts safe!”

“Canada on its way to Mexico!”

“Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate!”

Our march resembled very much that uv the childern
uv Isrel. Our noses wuz the pillers uv fire by
nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by day.

On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that
country, struck probably with awe at the majestic
and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily
gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and
hosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It
wuz a kompliment to us that them ez hadn't ennything
remained.

Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern
children uv Isrel, decided to remane, and, uv course,
the fust thing to do wuz to form a guvernment.

Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz
chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd
to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be
dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late
stait uv Noo Gersey, wich hez committed sooicide.
Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a bible
to be found in the whole encampment. The difficulty
wuz got over by a New York Alderman yellin
out, “Never mind the oath. What's the yoose uv
any oath he takes?” So he wuz declared President.

Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He
requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army
uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three paces.
Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum
stept forerd, and with em some 4,000, a part uv
whom hed held quartermasters' commissions, and
whose accounts,

didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and
others who hed bin dismist for bein in the rear,
when their sooperiors desired to see em in the front,
and who consekently considered it a d—d Ablishun
war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.

Then hevin ascertained the material for officerin
his army, he axed all them who hed bin in the

service as privates to step forerd. 20,000 obeyed,
and the President asked the fust one where he
enlisted, who ansered ez follows: —

“At Noo York, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000;
and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700;
and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800;
and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400;
and at —”

“Enough,” said Fernandy, and glancin down the
line, and seein all the faces were uv the same style
and expression, he asked no more uv em any questions.

Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a
church, he desired all who were ministers uv the
Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and desired to
explain. They cood not say that they were just
now in full connexion with any church. They hed
bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods and
conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in
hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and
suspended em, and silenced em and sich, becoz they
were Democrats, but —

The President shrugged his sholders, and asked
all who cood read to step out. About one-half
answered, and then he requestid sich uv this number
ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small

office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step out
agin, and to my unutterable horror and consternation,
every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so
many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them
ez coodent read swore vociferously that there wuz
nothin fair about that arrangement. They never
knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to
hold office in the Democratic party, and they'd never
stand that, and they all stepped out.

Finally it wuz decided that a election should be
held at some fucher time.

The next step wuz to divide em up into employments.
The President requested them ez preferred
to foller mekanikle employments to step out: Sum
thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin: About
fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small groceries:

There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters.
Ninety-eight per cent. uv all — ceptin the officers
and preachers — sprung to the front, but when they
saw ther strength, their faces turned white. “Good
Lord!” whispered they; “we can't make a livin
out uv the remainin two per cent. and the officers
and preachers!”

The mass then demanded a division uv the property,
that all mite start alike, but upon takin a inventory,

it wuz found not wuth while to bother
about a division.

Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun
to another, “Oh for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we
left!” “I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn nabers.”
“There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez
we hed the majority, they paid taxes, which we
spent!” “Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough
to hev enough uv em to tax!” and ez wun man,
they resolved to return, and the confusion that resulted
from the breakin up awoke me.

There is onquestionably a moral in the vision.
Ez often ez I hev syed for perpetual Democratic
majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz
successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, wondered
what we would do with the Treasury ef we
didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the
other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.

I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous
Dimocratic community.