University of Virginia Library

26. XXVI.
Preaches — The “Prodigal Son” — An Interruption.

I PREACHED last Sabbath, or rather, tried to,
from the parable of the Prodigal Son. We hed
a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the
work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich
reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends
made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso,
and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadelphia,
all, all hev conspired to comfort the souls uv the
Dimocrisy, and encourage em to renewed effort. It
is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northern
men were sent whirlin out of this section. They
dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their
goods as a prey for the righteous. Six niggers hev
bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly there
is everything to encourage us.

The house wuz full. The weather wuz hot, and

the pleasant incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco,
and snuff wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The sun
shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently
slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz
tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks
apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine
cut tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when
in the pulpit I kin distinguish the pecooliar aroma
uv his breath from those around him.

“My brethren,” sed I, “sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles
in yoor houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the
parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A man,
wunst upon a time, hed sons, ez many men hev
since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one. He left
his home and went into far countries, makin the old
man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived
high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather,
did, when they went to Noo Orlenas, in the days
when yoo hed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell
to supply em with money. He played draw poker
and faro; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded at big
hotels; and he follered after strange women, wich 'll
bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil
hez yet invented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv
course, his pile give out, and he got down, my
friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags and

wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv
swine. What did he do? He ariz and went to his
father, and the old man saw him afar off, and went
out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give
him a order for a soot of clothes and a pair uv
boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a
feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he
hed saved for another occasion.

“My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin
applicable to every occasion, and this parable fits
the present time like a ready-made coat. The South
is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's
house on a expedition wich heznt proved altogether
a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and a
little more. We run through with our means, and
hev cum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hunger.
We are, and hev bin some time, a chawin
husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery
and State Rights, and they've cleaned us out. Our
pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant
half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows.
Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the
grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted,
becoz we are not. We hev got to the husk stage
uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the armies,
wich past through these countries, hed left us any.

We hev kum back. In rags and dirt we hev wended
our way to Washington, and ask to be taken back.
Now, why don't our father, the Government, fulfil
the Skripter? Why don't it see us afar off, and run
out to meet us? Why don't it put onto us a purple
robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and the
shoes for our feet? and where's the fatted calf he
ought to kill? My brethren, them Ablishnists is
worse than infiddles — while they preach the gospel
they won't practise it. For my part, I —”

At this point a sargent, belongin to that infernal
Burow, who wuz in the awdience, with enough uv
soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed he
hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired
to say a word in explanation uv that parable, ez applicable
to the present time; and, sez he, “ef I am
interrupted, remember I b'long to the church military,
wich is, just now, the church triumphant.”
And cockin his musket he proceeded, very much
uninterrupted.

“The prodigal son,” sez he, “wuz received by
the old man with considerable doins, but, my worthy
friends, he went out decently. He didn't, ez soon ez
he withdrawed from the house, turn around and make
war onto the old gentleman — he didn't burn his house
and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences, and

knock down the balance uv the children. Not any.
He went away peaceably, a misguided good-for-nothin,
but yet a peaceable good-for-nothin. Secondly,
he come back uv his own akkord. The old
man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at
a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and
bring him back, but when he hed run through his
pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got
hungry, he came back like a whipped dog.

“My friends, let me draw a small parallel between
these cases.

“The Prodigal Son went out, — so did the South,
— thus farly the cases is alike.

“The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confederacy
took everything it cood lay its hands on.

“The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend.
The Confederacy spent not only all it stole, but all
it cood borrer, when it knowd its promises to pay
wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed
onto.

“The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez penitent
ez the consciousness that he hed made a fool
uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz
whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths that it
wuz right all the time.

“The Prodigal didn't demand veal pot-pies, and

purple robes, and sich, but begged to be a servant
unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed.
The South comes back demandin office, uv wich
the fatted calf, and rings, and purple robes is typical,
and considerably more share in the government than
it had before it kicked over the traces, and went out
like the lost tribes uv Israel.

“Spozn the Bible prodigal hed stopped his parient,
and remarked to him thus: `I am willin to come
back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my debts — yoo
must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the
other boys — yoo must treat me in all respecks just
ez ef I hadn't gone out, and — this is essential —
yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined
me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell
in while I wuz away, and make them head men on
the place; and above all, I hev with me the two
harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and
they must hev eleven of the best rooms in the house,
and must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid
displeasin the others, I'll dress em in different
clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go
out agin.'

“Probably the old gentleman wood hev become
indignant, and would hev remarked to him to go,
and never let him see his audacious face agin, or

rather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scattered
the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout
into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to
kill that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put
on yoo robes and shoes. But, alas! the calf suffered
from want uv attention so long doorin the
late misunderstandins that he's too poor — the robes
wuz all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we
sent out to fetch you in — the shoes they wore out,
and the rings — Jeff'son Davis wears the only style
we hev. When you come back in good shape,
yool find us ready to meet you; but till then, chaw
husks!”

Lookin around, this armed tyrant remarked that
there would be no more preaching that day, and
sadly the congregation dispersed.

I'm heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow
stares me in the face, and counteracts my best endeavors.
It's curious, though, what different sermons
kin be preached from the same text, and it's
also curious how quiet our folks listen to a ablishnist
who hez muskets to back him.