University of Virginia Library

34. XXXIV.
Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland
Convention. — That Beautiful City visited for
that Purpose.

I WUZ sent for to come to Washington, from my
comfortable quarters at the Post Offis, to attend
the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv the
United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States,
and who hev sworn allejinse to a flag with 36 stars
onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and life-long
friend and co-laborer, Rev. Henry Ward Beecher,
wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshun,
but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a Cabinet
meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the
necessity uv hevin a chaplin at every little convenshun
uv our party, and so stated; but Seward remarked,
with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a
party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed

prayin for, ours wuz that party. “And, Parson,”
sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, “ef yoo hev
any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fervency,
offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is
any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased
opinion that there never wuz in the history uv the
world, nor never will be agin, sich a magnificent
chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself particularly
on Custer; tho', after all,” continyood he, in a
musin, abstracted sort uv a way, wich he's fallen
into lately, “the fellow is sich a triflin bein, that he
reely kin hardly be held 'sponsible for what he's
doin; and the balance uv em, good Hevens! they'r
mostly druv to it by hunger.” And the Secretary
maundered on suthin about “sixty days” and
“ninety days,” paying no more attention to the
rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.

So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money
from the secret service fund for expenses, I departed
for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip thro' an Ablishn
country, I arrived there. My thots were
gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently gone
through this same country ez chaplin to the Presidential
tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar
onpleasant remembrances. Here wuz where the
cheers for Grant were vociferous, with nary a snort

for His Eggslency; there wuz where the peasantry
laft in his face when he went thro' with the regler
ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag
with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor; there
wuz — but why recount my sufferins? Why harrow
up the public bosom, or lasserate the public mind?
Suffice to say, I endoored it; suffice to say that I
hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleveland,
the seen uv the most awful insult the Eggsecutive
ever receeved.

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz
on hand, held a informal meetin to arrange matters
so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd
finally got together. Genral Wool wuz ez gay and
frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last ginerashn.
There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his
hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez
though he hed cheated hisself into the beleef that
he reely amounted to suthin; and there wuz seventy-eight
other men, who hed distinguished theirselves
in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts,
ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Administrashn
wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were,
in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for
wear, tho' why that shood hev bin the case I coodent
see (they hevin bin, to an alarmin extent, quartermasters

and commissaries, and in the recrootin service),
til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses,
and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland
wuz blest with a faro bank! Then I knowd all
about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which
for a time amoozed me. Them ez wuz present
wuz divided into 2 classes — those ez hed bin recently
appinted to posishens, and them ez expected
to be shortly. I notist on the countenances uv the
first class a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in factories
Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid off
for a hard week's work; and on the other class the
most wolfish, hungry, fierce expression I hev ever
witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the latter set
uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv
sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble President,
and damned the Ablishunists with more emphasis
and fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quartermaster
two years, and hed bin allowed to resign
“jest after the battle, mother,” wich, hevin his papers
all destroyed, made settlin with the government
a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called
upon to check him. “Gently, my frend,” sed I,
“gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my

commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on
yoo; but yoo won't git yoor Assessorship a minit
sooner for it.”

“It ain't a Assessorship I want,” sez he. “I hev
devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds
uv my beloved country —”

“Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin
them sed wounds?” murmured I.

“An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native village,
— which I hev bin solissited so strongly to take
that I hev finally yielded, — I do it only that I may
devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great
cause uv restorin the 36 States to their normal posishens
under the flag with 36 stars onto it, in spite
uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat is
the Saviour, and — and where is —”

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into
the middle uv a quotashen from the speech uv our
noble and patriotic President, and knowin his intellek
wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz
originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and
shet off the flood uv his elokence.

“Be quiet, yoo idiot!” remarked I, soothingly,
to him. “Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the
fust time in the history uv this or any other Republic,

there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo; but all
this blather won't fetch it a minit sooner.”

“Good Lord!” tho't I, ez I turned away, “wat a
President A. J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle!
Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cussedness
turns my stummick!”

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz
compozed; whereupon Kernel K—, who is now
Collector uv Revenue in Illinoy, asked ef there wuz
ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin
the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, perhaps,
thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin
taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months
in doorance vile in three diffrent prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatidly,
ef he wuz shoor — quite shoor, after sufferin all
that, that he supported the policy of the President?
Are you quite shoor — quite shoor?

“I am,” returned the phenomenon. “I stand by
Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want
no office!!”

“Hev yoo got wun?” shouted they all in korus.

“Nary!” sed he. “With me it is a matter uv
principle!”

“Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?” asked I,
lookin at him with wonder.

“Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas,
and finally at Johnson's Island!”

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that,
while they hed a very helthy opinion uv him, they
guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or
consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they
loved him ruther better than a brother; yet, as the
call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a delightful
oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all the
same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz
from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more
arriv; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz decided
to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin
brought on from Boston to accommodate the expected
crowd, and quite an animated discussion
arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz
to ockepy. This settled, the biznis wuz begun.
Genral Wool wuz made temporary Chairman, to
wich honor he responded in a elokent extemporaneous
speech, which he read from manuscript.
General Ewing made another extemporaneous address,
which he read from manuscript, and we
adjourned for dinner.

The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately
in one uv the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairman

asked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen
every man uv em pulled from his right side coat
pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed dotted
down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present
extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel
over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one
shood be selected to prepare a address; whereupon
every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv manuscript
from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted
down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed
to present, et settry. This occasioned another
shindy; wen the Chairman remarked “Resolushens,”
wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv
manuscript from his right breast coat pocket, and
sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin
to the expedition West, when the pressure becum
unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv the
President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's
peece after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there
bein no consciences about the White House, no
one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em
that I hed no influence with His Majesty. Two
thirds uv em pulled applicashens for places they
wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid
on my takin em, and seein that they was appinted.

[ILLUSTRATION]

THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION. Page 244.

[Description: 636EAF. Illustration page. Several men in uniform hold rolled manuscripts up in the air; a man, also in uniform, sits at a table with his right hand inserted into his jacket.]

I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they
laft me to skorn. “You are jist the style uv man,”
said they, “who hez inflooence with His Eggslency,
and yoo must do it.” Hemmed in, there wuz but
one way uv escape, and that way I took. Seezin a
carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate
(I took it to give myself the look of a traveler),
I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied
that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample,
the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.