8. VIII.
A Plan suggested for the Up-building of the Democracy.
— The Idea not New, but one which the
Leaders of the Fierce Democracy have acted
upon from the Beginning.
Confedrit × Roads }
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 27, 1866.
HALLELOOGY! halleloogy! halleloogy! I
see a lite! It beams onto me! It penetrates
me! It fills me! Goy to the world!
I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the
Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin
on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis
uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the
grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly
refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky,
wich is the article they yoose in this country to pizen
theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed
the utmost regard for my many virtues; but he diskivered
that the one he prized the most I hedn't so
many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker.
Therefore the account mite be considered closed.
Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total
depravity.
While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark
cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv
the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men
borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me.
Their operations showed me the way to success —
the shoor path to triumph.
“When,” said I to myself, “when men seek gain
they bore for it. They go down — never up. Even
so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, downward,
downward, through all the strata uv society.
We went through the groceries; the next stratum
was the most ignorant uv the furiners; then we
struck the poor whites uv the South; then, below
them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy; then
Southern Illinoy and Indiana; then Pike county,
Missouri; and so on. We never went upward for
converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man wanted
to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots
of converts.
There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft
uv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev
slid down; to wit: —
Quarter dollar smiles.
15 cent nips.
10 cent drinks.
5 cent sucks.
A flat flask conceeled.
A bottle openly.
Dimocrisy.
We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor
likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast; and
the tax on whiskey forced two thirds uv our people
to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on
their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, our
leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig
into, and give up in disgust.
But I hev deskivered that lower stratum — I hev
found it; and when the idea flashed over my Websterian
intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy! The nigger
is the lower stratum; and ef we bore down to
it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty
years' lease uv power.
We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev
the suffrage! It is a burnin shame, that, in this
Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence,
livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men
“free and ekal,” that a large body uv men shood be
denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the
poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he
not taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the Democrisy,
for many uv em own property? Is he
not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then
why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote?
Ah! why, indeed?
“But this is Ablishnism!” methinks I hear a obtoose
Dimocrisy observe in horrer. “And why give
them votes who will use em agin us?”
My gentle friend, will they use their ballot agin
us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read?
Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather degraded
and low than otherwise? Methinks. Aint
that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich
hez alluz set us up? Readin hez alluz bin agin us.
Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism;
every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Virginia,
when he thanked God there wuzn't a noosepaper
in his deestrick, hed reason to; for do yoo
spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept
sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after
year?
Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will
pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The
Democratic States will hev more members uv Congress
and more electoral votes than afore the war;
and them States we kin depend on.
But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them
niggers ain't needed in the South. We'll send em
North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ablishun
majority in Noo Gersey; fifty thousand will
bring Ohio back to the fold; the same number will
do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the country
is saved — we will be able to elect the President.
Thus the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into
hisself; the club he cut for us will break his own
head.
Honey hez kum out uv the carcass; good hez
perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter
to me now than Nite bloomin Serious; he is more
precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones.
He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift
me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin
brother, — for is he not a man and a brother? — not
only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the Democracy
must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis
to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin
each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv
mules, and a cook stove; and each female Afrikin
brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet.
I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not
more than two hours, so that it will stand some
chance uv passin. On second thought, I guess some
other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sennit
hez got into sich a habit uv votin down everything
he proposes, that they'd slather this without
considerin it, on jineral principles.
Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may
at it, it'll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists
kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their
tikkit; and even that time won't do it if we kin git
the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford
to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.
Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv
the new temple uv Dimocrisy. I slept that nite
atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and
enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev
met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat.
Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the conshence.
But what uv that? The Dimocrat who
hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought
not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly
when it promises sich glorious results.
“There's a lite about to gleem,
There's a fount about to streem,
Wait a little longer!”
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
