University of Virginia Library

29. XXIX.
The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadelphia.
— A Description of that Memorable Occasion
by One who had been Provided for.

PEACE is into me. I hev spent many happy
periods in the course uv a eventful life; but I
never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now.
The first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it
wuz hevenly; for, independent uv the other blisses
incident to the married state, I beleeved that she
wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her
father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be
hern, and the prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable,
well-built woman, with a farm big enough to support
me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself;
and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely
ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more
deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be

with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted.
Sweet ez wuz this week, it wuz misery condensed
when compared to the season I hev jest passed
through.

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elected
nor nothin, and hedn't any credentials; but the
door uv the wigwam I passed, nevertheless. The
door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped
me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster,
wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat on,
with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz
wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates
fought shy uv me; but the Northern ones, bless their
souls! the minit they saw the star on the collar uv
my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They addressed
me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed “this
wuz trooly an unmeritid honor,” and paid for my
drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and
twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled
it; but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no
financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no
amoozment.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist
gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall,
who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood
see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and

filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein
the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped
into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there
wuz the most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle,
who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and
nodded his head, when Randall announced that the
delegates from South Karliny, and the delegates
from Massachoosits, wood enter arm
in arm! With a slow and measured step they cum
in; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst
— and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle pulled
out his white hankercher, and applied it to his
eyes; and every delegate simultaneously pulled out
a white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life;
not that there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in
the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from
South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of hisself,
ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary,
but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined
to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and
Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd
uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr's condecension
in walkin at all with sich a umble individjooal.
But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant.
I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see,

ez them two men — one sneekin, and tother ashamed
uv hisself — walked up that aisle? Wat did I see?
I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun.
I saw the reunion uv the two wings. In
fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited.
The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky,
the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west,
the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and
claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach;
South Caroliny, the tail feathers; and Noo Jersey,
the balance of the bird, — I saw these parts, for five
years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in
one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin,
“Take em both together; they go in lots.” I saw
the old Union — the bold, shivelrous Southner a
guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and
assoomin to hisself the places uv honor, and the
Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog,
at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap
up; the Southerner ashamed uv his associations,
but forced to yoose em; the Northerner uncomfortable
in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest.
I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four
States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule
em; and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept,
but it wuz in dead earnest.

“Wat are you blubberin for?” asked a enthusiastic
delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his
eyes with a handkercher.

“I'm a Postmaster,” sez I, “and must do my
dooty in this crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls
for?” retorted I. “Are you a Postmaster?”

“No,” sez he; “but I hope to be;” and he
swabbed away with renood vigger.

“Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?”
sez I.

“They've all got Post Offisis in em,” sez he; and
he worked away faster than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered
from the hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me,
and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot
to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the
Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my
heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I
slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat
that hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there
wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representatives
uv the first families uv the South, and in Philadelphia,
at a Convention, with all the leadin
Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and
Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call,
with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here

is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President into
our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin
the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the
Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody
cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side
the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on
in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up
agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff,
and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty
Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site
uv the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed
to ketch me; and they bore me out uv the wigwam.
Sed one, “Wat a techin scene! overpowered by his
feelins.” “Yes,” sed another: “he deserves a
apintment.”

I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd
it wan't no yoose; and besides, after all the teers
that had been shed, — the members wringin their
handkerchers onto the floor, — it wuz sloppy under
foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em.
I knowd it would be all right; it couldn't be otherwise.
There wuz bonds wich held the members
together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble.
Johnson, hevin a ambition to head a party, must
hev a party to head. The Northern delegashun —
wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists —

couldn't do nothin without the Democracy North;
and both on em combined couldn't do nothin without
the Democracy South, The President cood
depend on the Democracy North, coz he holds the
offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the
President, coz he must hev their votes. The President
cood depend on the Democracy South, coz
they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen
Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em
out, and preventin em from wollopin their niggers;
the Democracy South cood depend on the President,
coz he must hev their Representatives in their
seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris, — all cood
depend on all, each cood depend on the other, coz
each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little
private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the
others to turn the grind-stone.

The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so
well pleased. “What in thunder,” sed one uv em,
“did they mean by pilin on the agony over the
the Yanks we killed? by pledgin us to give up the
ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the
Nashnel Yankee debt?”

“'Sh!” sed I; “easy over the rough places.
My friend, they didn't mean it; or, ef they did, we
didn't. Is a oath so hard to break? Wood it

trouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all
the times he swore to support the Constitution, to
sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to
break it any more than it did in '61? Nay, verily.
Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz
kicked out; but a thousand mules, and all uv em
old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our
service. Doolittle talked Northern talk, coz it's a
habit he got into doorin the war; but he'll git over
it. Raymond will be on our side this year, certain,
for last year he was agin us; and by the time he
is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a
pint that he won't be worth hevin; and the Democrisy
uv the North wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuzzent,
the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw
em like lode stun.

“My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who
wuz sense killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a artist
in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the bottom
uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth.
The dinner horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity
characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket,
and told em to hist away; and they histed. But ez
they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin
earth onto him. `Shtop!' sed he; but they didn't.
`Shtop!' sed he, `or, be gorra! I'll cut the rope.'

My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Seward,
and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell
into in 1860. Their little talk about debts, and
slavery, and sich, is the earth they're droppin onto
us for fun; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope?
Nary! Let em hist; and when we're safe out, and
on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and
chuck em into the hole.”

All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for
they carried home with em their commishuns; I,
feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor; for ef, with
the show we've got, we can't reëlect Johnson, the
glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.