University of Virginia Library

24. XXIV.
Presides at a Church Trial.

THEY hed a ruction in the church at the Corners
yisterday, wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv
the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv the
temple we hev reared with so much care and hev
guarded with so much solissitood. When I say
“we,” I mean the members thereof, ez the church
wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit
soljers and sich Dimokrats ez remaned at
home nootrel; but inasmuch ez I am the only reglerly
ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I
ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insensibly
fell into a habit uv speekin uv the church ez
“my” church, and I feel all the solissitood for its
spiritooal and temporal welfare that I cood ef I
wuz reglerly ordained ez its paster, wich I expect to
be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners,

wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest
dye, wich President Johnson, with a stubbornness I
can't account for, persistently refooses to remove.

The case wuz suthin like this: —

Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather
with hevin, in broad daylite, with no attempt at
concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free nigger
at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charge
Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.

The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified
ez follows: —

“Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for
the drinks with Deekin Slather. Hed jist beet the
Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and
held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv
goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz
hevin a little discussion with him — the Deekin insistin
that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv
the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood
afford to play five games between drinks! The ijee
is preposterous and unheard of, and ther ain't no
precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the
dispoot in regler orthodox style — he hed his fingers
twisted in my neck handkercher, and I held a stick
uv stove wood suspended over his head. While in
this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein

Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger,
and, —

The Court. — Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother
Pennibacker?

Witness. — Certainly.

The Court. — The scribe will make a minnit uv
this. Go on.

Witness. — They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm,
walked up to the bar, and drank together.

By the Court. — Did they drink together?

Witness. — They ondeniably did.

By myself. — The Court desires to know what
partikeler flooid they absorbed.

Witness. — Cant's say — spose 'twas Bascom's new
whiskey — that's all he's got, ez the Court very well
knows.

By myself. — The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's
and procoor the identicle bottle from wich
this wretched man, who stands charged with thus
lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The
Court desires to know for herself whether it was
really whisky. The pint is an important one for
the Court to know.

A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be
better onderstood by the Court if it wuz a quart.
The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the Court,

wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and
trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my
parched throat, I wished that trials based upon that
bottle cood be perpetooal.

I considered the case proved, and asked Brother
Pogram what palliation he hed to offer. I set before
him the enormity uv the crime, and showed him
that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun
uv the Church and the Democratic party.
Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger
equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told
him that Ham wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned
to be a servant unto his brethren — that he
wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built
upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any
shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them
up to our standard or lowrin ourselves to theirn; in
either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother
Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin,
and humbly receeve sich punishment ez shood be
awarded him, and go and sin no more. “Speak
up, Brother Pogram,” sez I, paternally, and yet severely.

Brother Pogram, to my unspeekable relief, for he
is the wealthiest member of the congregashun, and
one we darsn't expel, replied, —

“That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat
wuz more, he wuz justified in doin it, for THE
NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!”

“But shoorly,” I remarked, “it wasn't nessary to
yoor purpose to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm,
— a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not
affeckshun.”

The Prisoner. — The nigger and I hed bin pitchin
coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis,
hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, fearin that
ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They
are slippery.

Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst
dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.

“My brethren,” sez I, “the action of Brother
Pogram is not only justifiable, but is commendable,
and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust by Noer,
and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The
nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are the
descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noer hed a clear
rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the
balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood
on the nigger, for it is clear that he wuz made to
labor for us and minister to our wants. So it wuz,
my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered

and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel
we do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by
financeerin. We can't any longer compel the nigger
to furnish us the means, and therefore in order to
fulfil the skripter, we are justified in accomplishing
by our sooperior skill wat we used to do with whips
and dorgs.

“The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin
into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a sublime spectacle,
and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv
the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an
encounter where skill wuz required, thus demonstratin
the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Saxon mind —
he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.

“Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play
with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to
be paid by the complainant!”

The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever.
This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abutment
— a tall and strong tower.