University of Virginia Library

27. XXVII.
A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention
being the Subject thereof.

MY dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin
the past five years, hevent bin overly pleasant;
indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv
hideous nitemares than anything else — Linkin,
Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin
extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision
wich more than repaid me for all I hev suffered
heretofore. I hed bin at the Corners assistin in
inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a
demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously
in Maine, among them Ablishunists, and
consekently hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown
Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv.
His entire capital with which he proposed to commence
biznis wuz one barrel uv new corn whiskey,

and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to
make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced
one free nite, and invited the entire community.
His invitashun wuz considered generous,
and we met it in the same noble sperit — in a
more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant
man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in
about 38 minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey
left, and while the new grocery keeper wuz a rollin
uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool. He
didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade
in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His
stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an
inaugerashen.

I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered
ez I wuz, slept

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv
August had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage,
ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv
the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey
Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. The
Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward
present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I
notist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings,
draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with
one hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him
out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like
a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv
him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned
bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail
wich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with
the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear,
whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President
Franklin Pierce, be chairman; upon
wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings,
and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful
look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal
laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the
chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from
each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My
buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read;
it wuz more like an old-fashioned Democratic Convenshun
than anything I hed heard for five long
years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and
Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge
and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven
and Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like
him uv old — “Mine eyes hev seen thy glory, now let
thy servant depart in peace.” Nothin but the certainty
that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the
Corners kept me from goin up. Singler 'tis wat
slender ties hold us to earth!

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees
— two on each from the South and one from
the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the
committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General,
bein the Northern representative. We
hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us,
so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for
two hours to decide what shood be the proper qualification
for a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez
delegates, —

From the North — all Dimocrats who had
bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns; all officers who
hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war,
and all Republikins who cood show a commishun
ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered
necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin
to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast
bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence
Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz
specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.

From the South — all who cood show a officer's
commission in the late Confedrit army; all who
had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all

who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich
inclooded all present.

This decided upon, the work wuz done. The
delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv
Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret
Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz
hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty
or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand
a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act
ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich
I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the
hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a
half.

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which
wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and
Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a
speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John
Morrissey were on the Committee on Resolutions,
and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint.
They resolved that, —

Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness
in our national history, wich, owin to circumstances
over wich nobody hed any control, extended
over several periods uv ninety days each; and

Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the
two sections viewin things each from its own stand-pint,
instead of viewin things from the other's stand-pint;
and

Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong,
partikelerly the North; and

Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown
in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz
ready to resoom her old position in the Government
— nay, more, to take more than her old share in the
trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

Resolved, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it
wuz.

Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional
Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez
to some extent disturbed our system uv Government,
in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrepresented,
is pizen.

Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest
determination uv Congress to centralize in theirselves
the law-makin power uv the Government,
and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief
Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to
check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they
may do.

Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness

may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we
demand uv Congress an appropriation for plowin
over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two
sections who wuz indoost by their respective Governments,
so-called, to carry muskets, cum together,
particklerly them on wich our Southern
brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood.

Resolved, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes,
change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg,
Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez
Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that
the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them
places may be remembered no more forever.

Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States
wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late
unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to
be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the
Northern citizens who suffered likewise; and that
the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things
ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid
the same ez the debt incurred by the North in upholdin
things ez viewed from its stand-pint.

Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv
harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were,
all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with
Lee and Jackson.

Resolved, That the safety uv the Government
demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleasantnis,
from the Southern States, be to-wunst admitted
to Congress, and to the other posishens wich
they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleasant
they wuz doorin the trouble the more they
ought to be admitted.

Resolved, That there shall be gushen confidences,
we freely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for
the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis,
believin that he viewed things from his
own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich
alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson,
supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and
Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan
in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich
a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the
air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced
up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait
uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate
tore from the wall and throwd before em. They
took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin
over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise,

[ILLUSTRATION]

NASBY'S DREAM OF THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION. Page 185.

[Description: 636EAF. Illustration page. Several men in dark suits with their hats in their hands; a winged George Washington figure floats above them.]

uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the
music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and the
other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton
floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated
the countenance uv President Johnson. In my
dreem I heerd him murmur, “There wuz me, and
Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and
then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon,
and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!” and I notist that
George spit ez tho' suthin in his mouth didn't taste
well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked
sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out
uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool
boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I
resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the
next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work,
and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin
their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four
hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed
forward, Randall hisself give me mine. “Take it,
my venerable friend,” sez he, with tears a gushin
down his cheeks; “take it. No more shall that
Demokrat in your township who takes a paper

reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin
radical.”

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that
dream wuz a reality! Will I only git that postoffis
in a dream.