University of Virginia Library

32. XXXII.
The End of the Presidential Tour. — From
Louisville to Washington.

I REJINED the Presidenshel party at Looisville,
and glad I am that I did it at that pint. His
Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left
Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for
two-thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis
wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz
trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out
uv the region uv aristocrats, and hed come down
to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed holes thro the
hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv
Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they
genrally either had no coats at all, or if any, they
were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen
who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt
to home. I wuz among Democracy. The cheerin

for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into them
regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em,
the younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while
the old veterans, them whose noses wuz blossomin
for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His
Serenity smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a
speech to em, and wavin his hat.

With these preliminary remarks I resoom my
diary: —

Louisville. — There wuz a magnificent demonstration
here. His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a
eggslent condition to make crowds large enough,
remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the
streets: “'Splen 'splay! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand
people — mor'n ten million people — mor'n ten
'unerd million people — mor'n ten 'unerd sousand
million people — and alluvum 'sporters my policy.
'Rah for me!”

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards
the last; but it is safe to put the throng down at a
good many. That estimate is entirely safe. There
wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev
seen since we startid. The red white and red wuz
displayed from almost half the houses, ladies waved
their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered.
A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin

maiden uv thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez
tho she was gettin so much per wave, and had rent
to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When
I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the
service uv the United States, and clothed in a bobtailed
blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into
my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my
brethren, our regiment passed thro Looisville and
stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one afternoon,
when I met this identical angel. She saw
my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with
sich energy that she threw out uv her mouth a full
sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped
my face with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher
shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz;
and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I
wept like a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped
the carriage, met the patriotic female, called her
attention to the incident, and handed her my handkercher
which hed, four years before, wiped her
spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms,
and from that time she waved two handkerchers,
and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident
to the President, and he wept.

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety
of banners. Among the most noticeable, wuz a

company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a
leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they
hed been mustered out, with this motto: “We are
willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson.” Another
company uv solgers, who hed each lost an
arm, carried this inscription: “What we didn't get
by bullets, we shel get by ballots.”

The President cut down his speech jest one half
here. In swingin around the cirkle he omitted to
menshen that he found traitors on the Southern side
uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands
cheerfully.

Cincinnati. — A very enthoosiastic recepshen —
continyood and loud cheers for Grant, wich the
President acknowledged. A unsophisticated Postmaster,
who jined us here, wanted to know why
the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President,
to which His Highness answered that they
wuz considrit — they knew his modesty, and wanted
to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz
also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef
he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches,
and that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give
a greater variety. His Eggslency asked him how
there cood be more variety. “At Cincinnati,” sed
he, “I observed the followin order: —

1. I swung around the cirkle.

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis
Iskariot?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the
flag with 36 stars onto it, in their hands.

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly:

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis.

3. Swingin around the cirkle.

At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows:

1. Joodis Iskariot.

2. Swingin around the cirkle.

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I
thot uv that when I writ that speech, and divided it
up into sections on purpose.”

Johnstown, Pa. — A bridge fell down, onto
wich wuz 400 voters, killin a dozen uv em. His
Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident,
at bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters
on the bridge. He considered it a speshl
Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark,
and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz
killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun
for the purpose.

Mifflin, Pa. — A enthoosiastic indivijjle who

wants the Post Office at this place very much, fell
on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him ez
the “Preserver uv the Union.” The President
thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left
in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the
appintment he desired.

Baltimore. — There wuz a spontaneous recepshun
here, wich wuz gratifying to us. The perceshun
wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive.
One division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel
who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts
men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President
Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered
from a Injeany regiment at the first Bull Run, at
wich the President wept. “Things is becomin
normal,” sed he, “when the people will stand that.
Wat love! — wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns,
wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin
in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME.”

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung
entirely round the cirkle, and found traitors North
and South. The demonstrashen to greet the President
on his arrival was immense. The clerks in
all the departments wuz out (at least them ez
wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz
all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and

altogether it wuz the most spontaneous exhibition
I ever witnest. The Mayor made a speech. The
President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz
the Saviour — told him he had swung around the
entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv
it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and
Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv
them in the North; but be this ez it may, he left
the Constooshn, and the 36 States, and the flag
with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin
Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman,
and United States Senator, and Vice-President, and
President, wich latter circumstance he considered
forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le.
He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do his dooty
agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided
friends South.

And so ended the Presidential excursion.