University of Virginia Library

38. XXXVIII.
“Will you have Andrew Johnson President or
King?” — A Dream, in which Andrew Johnson
figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles.

DREAMS is only vouchsafed to persons uv a
imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom
I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual
about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but
that is offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't
counteracted, wood make me entirely too etherial
for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my
exuberant imaginashum, and enable me to come
down to the dry detail uv offish'l life — to fit me
for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster.
Whiskey lifts me above the posishun —
pork brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like
the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster — it
comes from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean

uv animals, like our commishuns — in short, I
recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat
pork. It's ther nateral diet.

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much,
and ez a consekence, didn't sleep well. While I
wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville conslation
the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question,
whether they wood hev Johnson President or
King, and while musin I fell in2 the arms uv Morfus.
My mind bust loose from the body and sored.
Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at
wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and enlarged,
the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered
in gorgus style, the taller dip become
multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers,
the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the
other Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended
the situation to wunst. Androo Johnson
had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword,
and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion.
He was King, and wuz reignin under the title
uv Androo the I., and I wuz (in my dreem uv
course) in his kingly halls.

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High
Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered
with red velvet, and studded with diamonds,

and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones —
onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped
into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance
uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from
a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the
throne, doin the offis uv a footstool, wuz Charles
Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the
complete triumph we hed won over our enemies;
while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz
Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who
hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom.
They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom,
knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly
imposin appearance.

Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive,
and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin
uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, announct
em. “Dook de Davis!” was ejackelatid, and
Jeffson entered. “Earl von Toombs,” “Sir Joseph
E. Johnston,” “Markis de Bouregard,” “Count de
Pollard,” and so forth.

Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly
tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Welles, who
wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that
Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said,
a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves to

the habits uv nobility. The South wuz shivelrus,
and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments
and sich — they hed got accustomed to cirkus
clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin
awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich
ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles
uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted
their capacity. He, for instance, hed charged uv the
royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he
filled to the entire satisfaction uv his beloved and
royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each
on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two
years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev
fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv
great responsibility, and one wich weighed upon
him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz
steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz
Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very
well indeed.

By this time the company assembled. His Highness
wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself.
Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a corner,
and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count
Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and
on bendid knee demanded a boon.

“What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?”
sed His Highness.

“We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv
state brot into the presence, that we may make
merry over 'em.”

“It shel be done,” sed His Majesty, and forthwith
Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the
King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them.
In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable
lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips wuz
chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson,
Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and
Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz
tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard,
inscribed, “The last uv the Tribunes;” at wich Raymond,
who left the Radikels and declared for the
empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor
of the Court Journal, laffed immodritly. Some
one exclaimed, “Bring in Thad Stevens!” at wich
His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote
together. “Don't, don't!” sez he; “he's strength
enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away!
keep him away!” and he showed ez much fear ez
men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.

Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things
wuz workin satisfactory. Gen. Grant wuz in exile,

and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin
to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country
hed bin divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and
sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted
authority. The principal men uv the North hed
been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin
menial positions in the palaces uv the nobility. No
Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well
served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen
in his house, while the higher grade uv
nobility wuzn't content with anythin less than Guvners.
The indebtednis uv the South to the North
hed bin adjustid. A decree hed bin ishood to the
effect that Northern merchants who shood press a
claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his
goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed
bin settled forever, for the Dimekratic ijee uv one
class to serve and one class to be served wuz fully
establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society,
the hereditary nobility, the untitled officials, and the
people; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs,
and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done by
foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to
make the native born people purely agricultural
peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it easy for
em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin
the balance for their own uses.

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to
ascertain whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I
am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin
me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar
for the amoozement of the company, addressed me
ez “Yoor Grace,” from wich I inferred that I wuz
one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this
pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The
gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed vanished,
the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz
gone, and I wuz in my offis, not “Yoor Grace,”
but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village!
Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman?
He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is
troo; but I hev wat soots me better — whiskey fresh
from the still. Yet my dreem may be realized, and
ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with
credit. Who knows?