University of Virginia Library

41. XLI.
A Few Last Words. — The Writer hereof bids
his Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of
Exhortation after them.

POETS hev remarked a great many times, too
tejus to enoomerate, that “farewell” is the
saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst.
It may be so among poets, wich are spozd
to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load
uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev
never found it so. The fact is, it depends very
much on how yoo say it, under wat circumstances,
and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz inkarseratid
in the common jail uv my native village, in
Noo Gersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve
men, who believed, on the unsupportid testimony
uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin
property bein found in my possession (notwithstandin

the fact that I solemnly asshoored em that I
didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must
hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin
guilty uv bustin open a grosery store, and takin
twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I asshoor yoo that,
at the end uv the sentence, — hevin bin fed on bread
and water, — the sayin of farewell to the inhuman
jailer wuzn't at all onpleasant. Likewise, when, in
the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane
uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent
and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz
hauled up therefor, and sentenced by a Ablishn
Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary, after
an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole
question at issue between the parties, and ashoored
him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv
votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen
uv my beloved country, — that, feelin that
rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that leveler Fremont
wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be
easy onless I did all in my power to avert the evil,
— when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with
one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge uv the
shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say
“Farewell” to the grim jailer, whose key turned
one way wuz liberty, and tother way captivity?
Nary.

These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in
wich I hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course
uv my long and checkered career (I do not here
allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I
am, when I think uv it, surprised at the comparatively
few times wich I ever left a place at wich I
hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the
nite, —

hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis
uv the agony uv landladies, when they diskivered
that I cood not pay. Knowin the softnis uv my
heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins.

Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence
sayin Farewell at this time. I wood like to continyoo
this work. Methinks I wood like to go on
pilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited
States wuz thoroughly indoctrinatid with my Dimocrisy.
But it is impossible.

I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom
rarely ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy.
Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in sich a
state uv abject cussitood. The Northern States hev

slipt from our grasp one by one, ontil none remains
wich we kin fondly call ourn. The Border States
are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the
black banner uv Ablishinism; and the ten States
which we kin control onfortinitly ain't got no voice
in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uv Maine,
and the level pararies uv Illinoy, the remnants uv
the Dimocrisy holler to us uv the South, “Be firm!
we'll stand by yoo!” and from the rich cotton fields
uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv the
North, “Keep up yoor sperits! we are troo to
yoo!” all uv wich is very cheerin, when them uv
the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to be
unable to elect a township constable, and them in
the South hain't got no vote at all!

I appeal, however, with the rest uv the leaders,
to the Dimocrisy to remain firm. Suthin will come
in time, — what, I can't, with any degree uv certinty,
now state; but suthin will come. The Ablishnists
cannot alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party
wuz, that the respective individooal members thereof
cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin
their own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot
into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez
a party. That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ablishnists.
They hung together from 1856 to 1860

coz there wuz wat they called a prinsipple at stake;
and on that prinsipple they elected Linkin. They
wood hev fallen to peeces then, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the
new goverment it hed so long desired; and the
overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner
ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung together
long enough to see that throo. Now, still
for the principle wich welded em doorin the war,
they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil
they think this question wich they are disposin of is
disposed of. Then they will split up, and our openin
is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich they can't
win over or detach from us. We hev them old veterans
who voted for Jaxon, and who are still votin
for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry who
still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put
down, and can't be tolerated in a Republikin Goverment,
and who, bless their old souls! don't know
no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an
unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that
solid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly,
and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose children
go barefoot in winter, while their dads is a
drinkin cheap whiskey, and damin the Goverment
for imposin a income tax. We hev the patriotic
citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and
who live in mortal fear uv nigger ekality; and we
hev John Morrissey's constitooents.

These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin
won't faze. They like to abooze the Goverment for
levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody into the
idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto
em; and they oppose nigger ekality becoz it soothes
em, like laudnum, to think that there is somebody
in the country lower down than themselves. The
Dimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will.

Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv
the pressure now bearin onto em, will grow fractious,
and split, and these classes will hev no trouble to git
into a majority, and then our time comes.

The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preechers,
and noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich,
are underminin their party. In time they will, but
not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the
nigger is not yet extinct. Uv wat danger is preechers
to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em
within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noosepapers
to em, when they can't read? Besides, we
are not at the end uv our resources yet. When the
wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us.
When he is no longer uv use to us ez he is now, —

when the prejoodis is so far removed ez to invest
him with the suffrage, — then WE'LL give him the
ballot, — WE'LL lead him up out uv Egypt, and we'll
make him vote with us. The Dimocrisy never yet
failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety.
They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners; they
hev Delaware and Maryland; they hev Noo York
city and Suthern Illinoy; and ef the nigger gets the
ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he's ourn beyond
peradvencher.

Again: Ef our politikel stumiks isn't yet toned
up to swallerin the nigger, we kin compermise on
the Mexican. That country Johnson hez his eagle
eye on now, and ef we demand it, he'll take it.
Wat a glorious prospeck opens to us! Mexico
wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added
to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich
we cood hold for years. Massachoosets cood do
nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers ain't adapted to
Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teachers
there with their spellin books, they'd end their
labors by lettin a knife into their intestines for the
clothes they wore, wich wood put a check on the
mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several degrees
lower in the skale uv humanity than the niggers,
but then they ain't niggers, and we cood marry

em without feelin that we'd degraded ourselves.
Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss
we hev Constooshnel objections to is the cuss uv
Ham, and that they ain't labrin under. Mexico
affords us room for hope; we never shel run out uv
material for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid,
and but few mishnaries wood hev the nerve to
tackle her.

Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good
cheer! Ther's a brite day a dawnin. We hev now
the Post Offisis, and nothin short uv an impeachment
kin take em from us for two years. We may
be beaten in 1868; it may be that our managin men
promised the nominashen to our present Head — A.
Johnson; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin,
we kin console ourselves with the reflection that
we're yoost to it, and we kin go on hopin for the
good time that must come.

Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run,
hopin eventooally to be glorified. Let us remember
that all the majorities agin us don't change the fact
that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back
to her mistress. Let us remember that Paul, or
some one uv them possels, remarked, “Servance,
obey yoor masters,” and that, under Ablishn rool,
we are exposed to the danger uv marryin niggers.

Let us still cherish the faith that evenchooally, when
reason returns, the Amerikin people will not throw
away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv
labor imposed by the Almity for disobedience in the
garden, ez the Dimocrisy served in the army, by
substitoot, and persevere even unto the perfeck end.
When this good time is come, then will the anshent
Dimocrisy, uv wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and
a ornament for thirty years, triumph, and the position
wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporary
to be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps,
and layin off the armor uv actooal warfare, I shel
rest in that haven uv worn-out patriots, — a perpetooal
Post Offis. May the day be hastened!
Farewell!